Charles stirred softly, gradually waking up. He was back in his comfortable double bed.
“Ungh. I had the worst dream,” he said, to no one in particular.
“Well, you’re safe now,” came a gentle voice. “Here at Supercool Justice headquarters.” Charles’ eyes shot open. “Here” was nowhere he’d ever been before. And, standing over top of him was a lecherously grinning young man, the top of whose head was on fire. On the second half of the bed he was in, Charles could see Joe beginning to sit up.
“Where are we?” Joe asked.
“A better question might be who are you, you sexy little things?” asked the man with fire shooting from his forehead.
Remembering his “Back to the Future” moments, Charles answered quickly. “I’m Charles. Charles Hanes,” he said. “And this is my friend, Joe Boxer.”
“What’s going on?” Joe said, still not really conscious.
“That’s certainly what we’d like to know,” said a female voice as another person entered the room.
“Rina!” cried Charles. “Boy, am I glad to see you!” Charles turned to see his comrade, who was wearing a navy blue costume with a floor-length cape.
“Why, yes,” said Rina, sounding terribly puzzled. “That is my name. I’m sorry, do I know you?”
Joe tapped Charles on the shoulder. “Alternate dimension,” he said.
“Great,” said Charles. “Why don’t we start from the beginning. Where are we? How did we get here? And why aren’t we wearing any pants?”
“You’re in the apartment/headquarters of Supercool Justice, the world’s hippest fighting team. You popped in out of nowhere. And the, uh, pants thing was Ronnie’s idea.” The head-on-fire guy, apparently named Ronnie, wiggled his fingers in greeting. He giggled as he brought Joe back his jeans and Charles back his tights.
“That looks like a costume,” Rina said as Charles dressed.
“In my world, or at least the one that’s closer than where we are now,” Charles answered, “We’re superheroes.”
“Nuh-uh,” said Joe. “I’m not really a hero while we’re there, and since Dr. Doom took my CESU, I’m not anything at all.”
“Well,” said Charles. “I’M a superhero. I draw my powers from the Negative Zone, which is why I’m called Mr. Negativity.”
“Negative Zone?” asked Rina. “Oh, you must mean the Negative Fifth Dimension, home of Mister: Impossible and the Dirty Blastard.”
Charles and Joe exchanged glances. “Negative Zone, Impossible Man, Blastarr, Mr. Myz Msix Sm MSYS Consonant, the Fifth Dimension, and Plague,” Joe rattled off. “Holy Jesus Fucking Christ on a Pogo Stick from Hell, we’re in a brand-new Amalgam world.”
“And Young Justice Plus the Supercools equals Supercool Justice,” said Charles.
“I guess so,” said Joe.
“Would you like to meet the team?” asked Rina.
Joe and Charles introduced themselves to the five members of Supercool Justice, then stood back as the show began.
“I suppose I should go first,” said Rina. “Since I’m the leader. My name, as you apparently know, is Rina Tockman. My father was William Tockman, the Clock King. He fought Green Peacemaker and ArrowHead as a not-so-successful villain. He was only in the crime game to pay for my mother’s sister to have an operation. He was caught, and went to prison, and my aunt died. As soon as he was in jail, my mother found out that she was pregnant. I never met my dad until he was released, when I was nine years old. That same day, my mom- well, she died. Dad was never the same after that. When my mutant power to jump through time surfaced, I knew I was destined to become TimeClock, punching out evil everywhere.” Joe and Charles tried not to giggle.
“Oooh, me next, sweetie,” said Ronnie. He had changed into a lavender shirt (buttoned and tied off at the navel), white leather pants and matching boots. His head was still on fire. “I used to be plain ol’ Ronnie Raymond,” the young man said. “President of every Gay club I could find, but definitely not super. Then, I was locked in a nuclear reactor with one of my professors, this real bitch on wheels named Emma Frost. Rawr. Well, to make a long story short…”
“Too late,” said Charles and Joe. They couldn’t help themselves.
“…I was telepathically bonded to Ms. Frost. Now, we use our nuclear-based telepathic powers to fight nasty people as… the Flaming Queen!” That time, Joe and Charles did giggle.
“Hey, I guess that makes me next,” said the young Asian punk girl in the corner. “Ain’t too much to say about me, y’know? Real name’s Cherry Lee- how’s that for a kicker? Did a little running around, did a little bit of everything. Then found out I’ve got these way-funky powers. Now I blow stuff up all the time, call myself ‘Cherries Jubilee.’”
“It must’ve been the explosion in Dr. Doom’s lab,” Joe said softly to Charles. “Our two brains and every pun therein, plus Access’ Amalgam powers must’ve totally rewritten the Marvel Universe.”
“And the DC Universe, apparently,” added Charles.
“That redhead guy in the corner, pouting?” Cherries Jubilee didn’t seem to be finished. “That’s Guile Greaser. He’s all pissed off ‘cause he used to date Rina and now he doesn’t. Plus, he used to have these major funky powers, calling himself Captain Cosmic Lantern Warrior. He was real strong and all, but he kept losing the powers. Looks like they’re gone for good, this time. Oh, and the space-case on the couch is called High Wire. No one even knows what his real name used to be. He could make this, like, string stuff, I guess, that would totally trap all sorts of bad guys. But then he did so many drugs that they, like, permeated his system. So now all this weird wire stuff he makes just sends people on these loopy trips.”
“Guile Greaser?” asked Charles. “Guy Gardner and Kyle? Is that right?”
“Looks like it,” Joe said. “And the names fit.”
“Why isn’t Kyle here with us? I thought our not-belonging is what saved us from being Amalgamed.”
“That would’ve been my guess, too,” Joe said. “Maybe it’s just proximity. I’m pretty sure the guy to my right wasn’t Kyle. Of course, I don’t know who he might’ve been.”
“One way or another, though, Access should’ve made it, right?” asked Charles.
“Right,” said Joe. “Finding him is the key to this whole affair.”
“If you need help tracking down a friend of yours…” Rina began to offer.
“…too late, Superfools! You will all die here, at the hands of the Anticool Revenge Squad!” The booming voice was accompanied by a loud screech as the roof of Supercool Justice’s headquarters was ripped completely off.
“Who are these dweebs?” asked Cherries Jubilee. “I’ve never even seen, like, half of them before.”
“Surely you haven’t forgotten us so quickly,” said one of the villains. He looked to Joe like Howard the Duck wearing a silver tuxedo and rollerskates. At his side was a filthy bum on red skis. In each hand, the bum held a bottle of whiskey, and a red helmet was pressed lopsided onto his head.
“Oh no!” cried Guile. “It’s Quacksilver and the Scarlet Mitch!”
“And don’t forget their father,” sneered an older man in a yellow costume, running to join the two villains. As he stopped moving, Charles could see he was wearing a Vegas dealer’s visor, and had a roulette wheel on his chest. “My super-speed and my luck-altering dice will finish you surely,” said the Whizzer of Odds.
“You probably don’t remember me,” said the heavyset black man with the badly scarred face. “I was just another faceless mutant villain, until some bigot splashed acid all over me. Now I really am faceless- at least half of me is. I’m full of anger and bitterness, and my mutant emotion powers will make you feel them, too, or my name isn’t Double Negative.”
“Yeah, verily,” chimed in the young boy with the enormous head. “My god-like invulnerability and psionic powers aren’t actually powers- every member of my Aspokaliptian race has them. That’s why I call myself ‘No-Brainer.’”
“I was just a homeless white-supremacist runaway,” said the giant man whose flesh was nearly falling off. “Until I was kidnapped by a mysterious scientist and injected with his strength-draining formula. Now, I can drain away anyone’s energy, with only a few cosmetic damages to myself. That’s why I call myself Hyde-N-Go Zeke!”
“Hey, I actually recognize one of these guys,” said Joe. “That white suit of armor with the blue helmet and gloves belongs to an old Iron Man villain. But who’s the chick inside?”
“I can answer that,” said Rina. “The sinister geneticist, Gargan Zola, had a crush on Super-Spider’s lover/co-worker, Gwen Lane. As an act of what he called ‘love,’ Gargan cloned that girl. But it didn’t quite work as he had planned. The clone snapped, believing itself to be the real Gwen, and we once had to stop her from killing that beautiful young reporter. Apparently, she’s gotten her hands on some new technology, and come back for revenge.”
The girl in the armor’s face contorted into a mask of sheer rage. “I am NOT a CLONE!” shouted the Lane-y Mauler.
“Enough talk,” said No-Brainer. “Anticool Revenge Squad- Kill them!”
No-Brainer punctuated his battle cry with a high-intensity psionic blast. Fortunately, the Flaming Queen was able to protect his teammates with an equally powerful psionic shield. The two mentalists stared at one another, neither gaining ground on the other as the battle raged around them.
Quacksilver and the Scarlet Mitch launched themselves towards Charles at high speed as Timeclock zipped back and forth opposite the Whizzer of Odds. Before either speedster could land a blow, the Whizzer tossed his bad-luck dice. Rina slipped on a loose rug, and smashed her head against the Supercool’s coffee table, knocking her out. At the same time, though, Quacksilver and the Scarlet Mitch ran into bad luck of their own. The power negated by his own natural luck, Charles was able to slip like wet soap between the bizarre siblings, and Quack Fu met Hot Whiskey Bottle Death in an ugly, ugly way. Propelled through the air, Charles jumped not at the Whizzer, but as his dice, slamming his hands over them and drawing them into the Negative Zone.
Hyde-N-Go Zeke grabbed Guile by the shoulders. “I’ve always wanted a taste of your cosmic powers,” cackled the villain. Then, his face oozed in horror. “What happened?” cried the villain.
“You just made yourself as strong as I am,” said Guile, punching the weakling villain in the nose, literally splattering his face everywhere. “Gross,” said Guile as the villain fell to the ground.
The Laney Mauler’s cyber-enhanced fist knocked the Flaming Queen to the ground just as Joe knocked No-Brainer silly. The Mauler turned to face Joe, but was blindsided by pyrotechnic “bombs” from Cherries Jubilee. Her face-shield broke open, blinding the clone with glass. The Mauler turned and blindly fired on Cherries Jubilee, knocking her out as Double Negative stared at Joe. The villain tossed his coin into the air.
“Huh. No scratches,” he said as he checked the results of his coin toss. “Guess this is your lucky day. You’re a great guy,” said the villain. “And an excellent hero. You’ve got great friends, and a great haircut.”
“Yeah,” said Joe, beaming. “My haircut is great, isn’t it?” Bursting with self-confidence, Joe jumped onto the blinded Mauler, and punched the woman repeatedly in the face. “Take that, you stupid clone,” said Joe.
“I’m not a clone,” she protested as she lapsed into a coma. Guile smashed a nearby lamp over Double Negative’s head as the Whizzer of Odds ran back towards Charles. Still on a lucky streak, Charles was able to duck under the Whizzer’s blow, and trip the villain, sending him crashing into High Wire. The near brain-dead hero reacted solely out of self-defense, spinning a tight web around the Whizzer, sending him deep into the world of his own subconscious.
“Oooh, there’s no place like home,” said the Whizzer, drooling.
“Well, I guess that wraps that up,” Joe said to Charles and Guile.
“Not quite,” said Guile. “We still have no idea who formed the Anticool Revenge Squad and sent them after us!”
“IS THAT ALL YOU WANT TO KNOW?” boomed a powerful voice. From the shadows stepped a tall, slender man, dressed in an impeccable business suit. On his wrists were two large, metal bracers. Behind him, an albino woman and a purple-clad, four-armed warrior with two swords and a large metal staff waited anxiously for their chance to strike.
“Herman?!?” cried Kyle. “You organized the Anticool Revenge Squad?”
“I am no longer Herman Hodge,” spat the slender man. “I’m not your sniveling little lap dog any more! With these new Aspokaliptian gauntlets, I will make you pay. I… Shocka Khan!”
“Oh Jesus,” said Joe.
“But first, I will toy with you,” the villain somberly intoned. “White Whine! Use your magical siren call to bind their minds.” Obediently, the pale woman opened her mouth. A high-pitched squeal floated from her throat, and Guile, Charles, Joe, and High Wire suddenly stiffened (their posture, mostly).
“You find my Lorelei’s charms irresistible, don’t you, fools?” taunted Shocka Khan. White Whine stroked each of her victims lovingly under the chin.
“Not especially,” Joe shrugged as the woman stood in front of him. While everyone was still dazed, Joe grabbed the woman by her hair, and smashed her face into his knee.
“I thought that ring only protected you from psionic attacks,” Charles queried, shaking the cobwebs from his brain.
“Who said anything about the ring?” Joe asked coyly.
“ With pleasure,” chirped the android assassin. He leapt at Charles as Shocka Khan blasted away at Joe and Guile. Charles was able to catch the killer’s staff with both hands, but had to let go to slither away from the two flashing swords. Joe began to run to where Charles was twisting and turning away from his would-be killer. Shocka Khan followed suit, firing vibro-sonic-blasts at Joe. Charles grabbed Slaughterhouse-Five by two of its four wrists, planted his foot on its stomach and rolled to the floor, tossing it into the path of Shocka Khan’s on-coming beam of destruction. The robot exploded, scattering body parts across Supercool Justice’s underground apartment headquarters. One of the four flying arms clipped Charles in the side of the head, knocking him to the ground, while the force of the explosion alone put Joe on his back. Shocka Khan powered up his gauntlets for a full-force blast against the two helpless friends.
“NO!” shouted Guile. He raised his hands, and two twin beams of cosmic energy, one yellow and one green, came bursting out. Both beams struck Shocka Khan in the chest, launching the villain through the rear wall, plus several feet of the bedrock surrounding it. The villain’s eyes flickered for just a moment, then closed forever.
It didn’t take long for Supercool Justice to round up every member of the Anticool Revenge Squad and bind each one from his or her powers. As the young heroes were repairing the damage done to their home, a muffled shout came from one of the nearby closets. The Flaming Queen giggled aloud for the almost-thousand jokes he came up with off the top of his head. Timeclock opened the closet door, and out fell Access, still bound in the metal straps from Dr. Doom’s machine. Cherries Jubilee used her mutant “bombs” to blast Access free, and a few minutes later, Access set to work unraveling the entire dimension.
“Do you think we should’ve said goodbye?” asked Charles.
“Nah,” said Joe. “Those puns were too stupid to be remembered.”