"How can you possibly justify this? Tell me, Terrans- was the life of your friend truly worth such a terrible price? The Cosmos itself trembles with the horrors you have unleashed. The Shi'ar Emperium is prepared to exact its fiercest judgment." In an upraised, gauntleted fist, Empress Lilandra held a copy of the straight-to-video release Earth film "Ha-Ha-Holocaust," described by the box to be "a triumph of the human spirit," "a brilliant film," and "the funniest look at the senseless slaughter of 30 million Jews I've ever seen!" As the young men came to realize where they were, Lilandra spoke again.
"You, Kyle Reeser, committed the first offense. You allowed the Phoenix entity to take shape in your mind, and then in your body. The resurfacing of the Phoenix-Force on Earth is due entirely to your unreasoned actions."
"You, Joe Faust, committed the second and no lesser offense. You persuaded the Phoenix to abandon the form of your friend to assume this.... grotesque shape. This creature, this Pauly Shore, it is a mockery of humanity. Only the Phoenix force could become something so ghastly."
"You, Charles Hopkins, are, alas, not at fault. Nonetheless, the Council of Worlds based here in the Shi'ar Throneworld has agreed that you are to be punished as well for your failure to prevent this atrocity. Already, our agents are in place to destroy the new "Pauly Phoenix," but you three must meet with retribution."
"Let me get this straight," Joe said, lighting a cigarette. "You mean to tell me that you, Lilandra of the Shi'ar, are acting on behalf of all of the nearby (relatively speaking) sentient races to punish us for creating Pauly Shore?"
"Yes," Lilandra intoned. "That is about the size of it. And extinguish that cigarette; this is a smoke-free Throneworld. Have you Terrans any words to say in your defense?"
"What about 'Arin'nn Haelar!'?" Joe asked. "Can I say 'Arin'nn Haelar?'"
"Son of a bitch!" Lilandra stomped her foot on the floor of the Shi'ar Throneworld Courtroom and squawked in her native bird-tongue. "Why does everyone always think to do that? Fine, fine, fine arin'nn haelar whatever. But we're not waiting around. It's go time. Young men, you have five minutes to prepare yourselves before you are transported to the Blue Area of the Moon."
"Transported?'" asked Joe. "You mean, like, 'teleported'? 'Cause I'm not too sure how comfortable with that."
"Your comfort is not our concern," replied Lilandra. "You have five minutes until you will battle my Imperial Guard for your very lives."
The murmurs of a thousand alien tongues chattering at once all but drowned out the sound of one tiny Earth voice. Softly, Kyle whispered, "Oh damn."
* * *
"Where do you suppose they went this time?" asked Harry.
"I don't know," Rina shrugged.
"Do you think they'll make it home?" Harry mused.
"They always do," Rina noted.
"So what do you want to do now?" asked Harry.
"I don't know," Rina shrugged.
"We could take the van back to my apartment in Washington," Harry mused.
"They were kind of getting on my nerves anyway," Rina noted.
* * *
Charles, Kyle, and Joe materialized on the Blue Area of the Moon in full Supercool Battle Gear.
"Um, so, it looks like we're fighting for our lives against the Shi'ar Imperial Guard," Charles said.
"Yup," Joe agreed.
"Any ideas?" Charles asked.
"Nope," Joe replied.
"We'll split up," Kyle said. "We don't really have a chance, but if we hide, and attack from in secret, we might be able to distract them long enough to form a plan."
"Works for me," Charles said.
"Me, too," Joe agreed.
The three of them, at last alone together again, split up to face their destiny.
Charles picked his way across the surface of the moon, looking- searching- for any place to hide himself. Before he could find such a place, the humanoid ball of yellow flame which was the Imperial Guardsman Starbolt came blazing into view. With a fierce cry, Starbolt sent a bolt of fame streaking towards Charles. Quickly, Charles brought his hands up to block the blast.
With a speed borne both of intellect and instinct, Charles pulled on the power within his hands, and forced himself into the air. Perhaps it was the moon's lesser gravity, perhaps it was because he knew he fought for his life; probably for both reasons, Charles was able to fly with an agility that belied his relative inexperience. Charles slid to Starbolt's side, and returned fire on the alien with a few Nega-blasts. The Guardsman was well-trained in the art of combat, however, and skillfully eluded the attack. The dogfight continued.
Even as Charles was being spotted by Starbolt, Joe felt the nauseating tingle in the back of his head that told him his mind was under attack. Quickly scanning the skies, Joe was able to clip Oracle with one of the barrage of energy blasts he fired from his Wonder Glove. Meanwhile, Smasher deactivated his suit's flight capacities, and landed with a thump behind Joe. Rather than even attempt to duke it out with the Shi'ar's second mightiest powerhouse, Joe simply turned, grabbed the alien by one arm, and heaved with all the might his Belt of Strength could muster. With his weight so greatly reduced, Smasher went flying, toppling through several derelict towers on his way. For a split second, Joe began to think they might just have a chance. That's when he stopped being able to breathe.
As soon as Kyle saw Gladiator fly overhead, he knew it was wisest to sneak in to one of the bizarre buildings that were scattered across the moonscape. Unfortunately, he picked the wrong one.
"Greetings, Terran," droned the mechanical voice of the alien Warstar. "It will be quite a shame having to kill you." A giant robotic fist curled its way around Kyle's waist. Or at least, it curved most of the way around Kyle's waist. Still, the massive metal fingers were unable to close themselves completely, and Kyle was able to push up just hard enough to free his legs and stand on the Guardsman's wrist.
Before he was able to act any further, however, Kyle was beset by a smaller green alien, this one about as tall as Kyle himself. Remembering that Warstar was the composite of a giant and an alien with an electric touch, Kyle ducked as the smaller of the Warstar pair sprang from the larger's back. The small alien overshot his target, and instead ran an electrical current into his partner's hand. Surprised and in pain, the giant jerked his massive hand to one side, sending both little combatants flying. B'Nee crashed into the nearest wall; Kyle crashed through it. Kyle's flight did not stop until he knocked a glowing orb, nearly as large as Kyle himself, from its perch in a previously undetected room on the surface of the moon. That's when things started to get crazy.
Realizing that he would never able to out-fly a spaceborn warrior with tons more experience, Charles decided to do something crazy. As Starbolt flew in for yet another attack, Charles stopped flying all at once, and dropped to the floor of the moon, bringing hands up to block the wave of fire. Rather than just absorbing the fire this time, though, Charles let his hands pull on the fire. Slowly at first, and then with increasing momentum, Charles hands drained the heat, light, and cosmic flame from Starbolt, who crashed weakened to the ground. The corona of energy around Charles blazed brighter than the core of a star for the briefest instant before the Negative Zone contained all of Starbolt's power.
Lurking in the shadows nearby, Manta cried out in agony as the energy reached its peak. Rather than a human's vision, Manta perceived the world as a series of infrared images, based not on the reflection of light, but the reflection of heat. Starbolt's massive energy flux left her blinded and disoriented, and the attack she had intended to shoot from ambush bounced harmlessly to one side.
As Charles opened his eyes and surveyed the scene around him, the terrain of the moon rose up, and swallowed him whole. When the surface opened up to eject the young hero several moments later, Charles was very much unconscious.
Joe reached both hands to his throat to claw at the cord which was constricting his windpipe. I swear to God, if I ever breathe again I'll quit smoking, Joe told himself, even as another, smaller, part of his brain admitted that was a lie. Joe's train of thought shifted. Must be Hussar, he thought. Neuro-whip choking me. Keeping one hand on his throat, Joe dropped his other hand to pull the SunSword from his belt. A few random slashes in the air later, and Joe inhaled the sweet, sweet oxygen that was inexplicably abundant in the Blue Area of the moon. Simultaneously, Joe activated his hypno-jacket, croaking out the word "Wait" fast enough to make Hussar do so. With Oracle shaking her head clear, Smasher racing back in his direction, and Hussar distracted for only a moment, Joe bolted down a nearby tunnel, using a burst of fire and a glue grenade to cover his escape.
Kyle reached down to pick up the alien artifact before realizing that a) the artifact was gone and b) he had to reach down to get to it. A quick visual survey revealed that yes, in fact, Kyle had (seemingly spontaneously) returned to his natural height. Never one to look five gift feet in the mouth, Kyle did a dance of joy in mid-air with the help of his telekinetic powers. Hmm, that's new, Kyle thought. I wonder what else I can do. By the time C'Cil (the big half of the Warstar duo) broke his way in to the storeroom, Kyle had figured out how to fire bolts of plasma powerful enough to knock out even Warstar.
Somehow, Kyle knew that Charles had been knocked unconscious. Part of Kyle had even watched as it happened. But still another part of his brain reminded Kyle that Joe was not so far away. Kyle burned a hole in the far wall, and ran to meet his friend.
"Imperial Guard," Joe panted, out of breath. "Behind me!"
"I know," Kyle said, his voice steady and calm. "Here, duck into this alcove, it will hide us!" Joe saw the indentation, no larger than a broom closet, Kyle had indicated. "It's too shallow to do us any good," Joe moaned, nonetheless following Kyle into the space. "We'll be spotted in an instant."
"Not after I've used my telekinetic talent to cover the entrance with a wall of lunar dust," Kyle said, proceeding to do just that. "Voila!"
"Kyle- how did you do that?" Joe asked, the panic in his voice slowly becoming awe.
"There's no time to explain," Kyle said as the Imperial Guardsmen flew past their hiding spot. "We've got breathing space, Joe-but sooner or later, we'll have to come out."
"I know," Joe replied, solemnly. "Kyle- whatever happens next, I'm sorry. I-" Kyle cut him off.
"Ready?" he asked, holding out a hand.
"Ready," Joe replied, taking the hand in his own.
"Then let's go!" Kyle cried, evaporating the lunar dust shield.
As they made their last stand, Joe and Kyle found themselves remembering the day they first met-so long ago, so far away. Once upon a time, there was a young man named Kyle Reeser and a young man named Joe Faust. They were young. They were friends. They were heroes. That day, they proved it- beyond all shadow of a doubt. Every iota of strength the two had between them was devoted to the sole cause of preserving their lives as the Imperial Guard boxed the two of them in.
"Joe!" Kyle shouted. "Finally, I truly understand what I am, and what has to be done!" Kyle's voice began to quaver as the telekinetic force grew stronger within him and the Imperial Guard rallied for their final surge. "It's better this way," Kyle said. "Quick. Clean. Final." In the darkest corner of the squalid building that had become their fortress, an ancient laser cannon whirred on its hinges, and activated itself. Kyle whispered, "Baha."
"Kyle, Noooooooooooooo!" shouted Joe.
The machine stopped on its track. Kyle turned to Joe. "Why not?" he asked. And then Gladiator pounded him into the center of the moon.
"Are you now prepared to hear the judgment of this tribunal?" asked Lilandra, looking even more regal than before.
"We wouldn't have to hear anything if you'd have left me alone," Kyle muttered to Joe.
"Sorry," Joe whined. "I thought you were going to shoot yourself."
"Why the hell would I shoot myself?!?!?" Kyle fumed. "I was going to shoot them."
"Well, it's all fine and dandy to tell me that now," Joe argued. "If someone had mentioned that he'd found the Kree's hidden Omni-Wave projector on the surface of the moon, maybe I wouldn't have leapt to the conclusion that that same someone was once more under the influence of the Phoenix force."
"I didn't even know what that thing was called for God's sake," shouted Kyle.
"Quiet!" shouted Lilandra. "I have come to a conclusion. Your experience on the moon demonstrated to me that you three young Earth men possess at least a modicum of nobility. Surely what you unleashed on the Earth was not intentional. Nonetheless, there is a terrible power at work in Hollywood and across the Cosmos, and it is the fault of you three young men. Thus, it is our decision that you three be stripped of a power equal to the one you so recklessly released earlier. With the aid of Shi'ar science, we have already performed a simple, minor lobotomic surgery which has effectively removed the Kyle's nigh-omnipotent telekinetic abilities. Perhaps the loss of this power will serve to remind you in the future of the dangers of tampering with cosmic forces. We will return you to your planet now; hopefully we are all wiser for what we have seen today." With an imperious wave of her hand, Lilandra bid farewell to the three young men.
"Goddammit!" Kyle shouted as he and his friends faded back onto Earth. "How many stinkin' ways of gaining unstoppable power are there in the Marvel Universe?!?!?!"
"I can think of one," laughed Cain Marko. "Want a demonstration?"