For All I Know…

I wonder sometimes if you
are really listening to what
I'm saying…
maybe you really have
mastered the art of 
multi-tasking…
for all I know maybe you
really can hear me
perfectly over
the Shostakovich
you are humming…
and who am I to assume
one way or the other?
to make assumptions about your talents…
I'm no one…
I know…
Maybe if I died my hair again…
and kept drinking water
instead of eating food…
maybe if I stopped calling you
and stopped hanging
on your every word…
maybe if I could convince myself that
you are not the be all
and the end all….
and that the sun will rise,
whether you are there next to me
or not…
and that even though
I'm alone right now
it may not be forever…
and even though
you don't listen to me now
it doesn't mean you 
never will…
but who am I to even think
these things…
to have illusions about better things…
I'm just someone elses leftovers…
No one…
for no one really wants to know that
I have a soul…
(a tortured one…)
or that things like Mahler and 
Bartok take my breath away…
and no one cares that
I am slowly crawling out of debt
and getting my life back on track…
no one cares…
all they see is that I am 5 feet 9,
and smiling…
whether I mean it 
or not…