A little about myself, OK. I consider my self a pre-Op TS (trans-sexual). I am 42 years old and I’m just beginning to enjoy my life. I hope this page provides all that come here with a better understanding of just what it means to be transgendered. It, by no means, is a choice that one makes. It’s something that we are born with and something that can’t be changed. It’s something that we must come to accept or destroy ourselves in the process. Society in general has very little tolerance of us and that basic lack of understanding has caused many deaths within our society. What I will attempt to do is to give you a better understanding so that when you leave here you can take with you the knowledge and understanding that is so greatly needed. Transgendered people have the ability to see things from both sides of the fence, so to speak. My biggest problem is emotionally having the same make-up as a woman. Society brings men up to not cry and be a sissy, to take punishment like a man, etc. Although, I knew I was transgendered from a very early age these pressures caused me to hide who I was. Spent almost 40 years of my life trying to change. Yes, I though that under the right conditions and circumstances I could be become the man I was on the outside. I went into the Marine Corps to make a man of myself, that didn’t work. I married and raised three step children to make myself a man, that didn’t work. My entire life up until the age of forty was spent trying to be something that I never could be. So two years ago I had enough and decided to put an end to my life. I bought the gun and made preparations to give my family something they could remember me by. At the last moment, being the coward I am, I chickened out. I was so close that I had to hear the sound and put a hole in my bedroom floor. That noise has been burned into my mind. A week or so later I found a chat room where transgendered people go to talk. That was the turning point in my life. For the first time in my life I knew I wasn’t alone. Talk about opening your eyes. I met so many kind and wonderful people there. One of my first contacts was with a girl named Shelly. She took the time to help me see that I wasn’t the monster I saw in the mirror but the wonderful person inside full of love. Today Shelly and I are good friends and I call her my daughter. Why my daughter? Well not only did I find someone to talk to but I also found that others soon came to me with their problems. The greatest joy in life is to give to others and by doing that I became a mother figure to many in the room. Some call me a doctor because of the (MD) after my name. Actually it stands for Maryland. All my years of pain and suffering gave me a total understanding of what other, like me, were experiencing. You will never know the joy of love until you take someone by the hand and help them through the hard times. That thought is bring tears to my eyes right now as I write this. Now that’s something not many can feel. Life is full of it’s ups and downs. For most Transgendered people it’s mostly down. The courage it takes to be who you are is not easy to acquire. You almost must get to the end of your rope before you can see that you have no choice. These past two years have been a tremendously emotional part of my life. The friends I have come to love with all my heart have given me great joy and also sorrow. One very special transgendered friend died this year of a sudden heart attack. Her name was Gerri and I feel honored and privileged to have had the opportunity to know and love her. I will carry her memory in my heart for the rest of my life.

Life is full of turns and recently I started on a journey that is not over yet. My body started to become more feminine. My sex drive completely went away and my breast started to develop rapidly. I had visions of being a "Intersexual" and that would provide me with an excuse for being who I was. Went to a doctor and had some tests done. Estrogen levels within my body were skyrocketing and my testosterone level was very low. Well I was delighted. Further testing would have to be done but I was sure I was something I dreamed of being. Well the next set of test results just came back and it looks as though that I am not "Intersexed" but could possibly have a tumor that is causing this blessing. Blessed and cursed at the same time. They don’t know where it is at as of yet, more testing will be done in the near future. The tests came back and nothing was found. After being off the medication I was on for two months my levels were back to normal. Steps forward are important and to stop heading in that direction could do more harm. I went to my endo and asked her if she would manage me. She said that she would but I needed to go to a shrink and get his approval. Well my first visit was on the 8th of January 1998. It went well. The doctor was very understanding and I look forward to going back. It's a long hard road for those who decide to take it. Take no short-cuts and do it right. I will be here should anyone need to talk. Just E-Mail me if you need a friend. Well I hope this gives all a better understanding of what being an outcast is like. It’s not a decision, it’s a physical and mental need. So please when you come into contact with a person different from yourself look at the person with kindness and understanding. Race, creed, gender, nationality - All people deserve to be loved.

With Warmest Regards,

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