"Sometimes the dragon wins"
~Mindhunter


Battling Dragons... in June...

Well, another victory for the dragon... One has to ask themselves how long they can keep picking themself up after being pushed to the ground once again... Seeing much the same piece of soil as all the times before... That's what it's all about though isn't it?... Getting back up despite all the times you've fallen... Getting back up to stand before the dragon again... With the hope maybe you'll feel the taste of victory for yourself... That it will be you who remains standing... You have to ask yourself if it is worth being defeated all those times for the opportunity to achieve victory... Is it worth falling all those times, to maybe stand over that dragon?... To show yourself you can beat it...

I often have to stop and wonder whether it is the very sight of that scaly beast, its heated breath, and piercing eyes that I despise... Is it the thing it represents, the challenge or problem itself, or the merciless creature that represents it?... The dragon stands before me so often, representing a different problem each time, and yet, the same tormentor...

The more I see the scales, feel the heated breath, watch its eyes burning my skin with a stare so cold and determined... the memories wash over me... The memories of all the times before... All the times I found myself on the ground, feeling the pressure laid on, each emotional bruise, the taste of dirt, of defeat... Feeling so hurt, each movemement making both my soul and body wince... Bearing the pain, if only I can rise to my feet once more, at least walk away form the encounter... Fighting back my own inner persistent cry to surrender, refusing to be enslaved... I look the beast in the eyes as I drag my weary body away... Knowing throughout life I shall stand before that same pair of eyes many times... I hold its gaze, looking at the challenge I could not overcome, and I memorise its every intricate detail... It shall not overcome me a second time... I wonder if I know the lessons of my defeat better than those of my victories, or maybe the victories come from the learning of the times of defeat...

I repsect that without the dragon, life would have a different meaning... The dragon is the counterpart, the opposition, the balance... Each has its own, happiness has sadness, freedom has enslavement, life has death, and amongst all that is the ever present dragon... The dragon is almost our counterpart, it forces us to fight for what we want, if we want it bad enough... It demonstrates that the path in life you want to travel may not be as smooth as it first appears, but if you are persistent, determined, willing to give it your best, you can reach the end of that path to the destination you want to reach... It may even show you some other destinations and new paths on the way... When you've experienced sadness, you appreciate happiness more, it's worth is raised when you meet its opposition... The dragon too has its purpose, it brings a lesson to those willing to learn... It gives worth to what you have, if you're only willing to open your eyes to it... But when it stands before you with a breath of fire, razor sharp teeth, in all its strength, towering over you, do not bow down to it and hope the lesson will present itself... for it is never that easy, that in itself is part of the lesson, you have to work for the knowledge... Cowering before it will only lock you into the same pattern over and over, until you are prepared to fight to get out, like a bad case of dejavu... The lesson repeating itself until you learn it... So fight with all you have, fight for the very person you are, everything you stand for... And if defeated once, learn, then ready yourself for the next round, for there will more than likely be another, some where, some time...

So where am I?... I lay in a heap, at the dragon's feet, its shadow sweeping a cold front over me, a blizzard... Urging me to move, to reach for the light, but I do not... My aching body shivers in response to its proactive strategy... I look up at the empowered beast, the gleam in its eyes making my heart sink, its smirk stamping out the tiny light the last fragment of my hope emitted... I cannot muster the energy to even shake my head, I lay there... Allowing the dragon to draw on any energy it can find, watching it scavenging for things within me that I cannot even find in myself... Becoming an opposition to myself, automatically making myself become outnumbered... I manage to mouth a single word to the beast, bathing in its victory he looks at me for a moment, then laughs... And with a tone almost condescending says "Why are you giving in? Does this mean so little to you that you can surrender so easily? You accept defeat, and refuse to fight for the very thing you say means so much to you. Your actions oppose your words. I'm not going to just give you what you want. You come and get it, earn it. You are throwing away your chance to embrace that which consumes you so. If you hurt so much now, how much will you hurt without taking away the very thing you're fighting for?"... The same questions had run through my mind, swimming around all the other thoughts, and I felt those that could not keep my attention drowning, dying off without acknowledgement...

I wanted to beat the dragon so bad, too much was at stake... My heart ached at the thought of a loss, but more so, not overcoming the challenge meant me losing the very person I cared so deeply for... I tried to fight for us both, each round closed an avenue... And when I reached what I felt was the last round, and lost, it cost me my sweet friend, my will, and my hope... I do not want to feel, or see what is to come... I can't smile at what could have or should have been, and tears are wasted on what is...

I stand before you, so judge me... Tell me I should've fought harder, or I didn't put enough effort in, or point out my weaknesses... But then be prepared to face a battle yourself, one in which you were wounded before you even began, one in which no one can help you... Empathy trying to weigh down sanity, so you still have a mind to fight with... An audience of friends and those indifferent to your cause... Remember the emotion in your friends' eyes as they realised they can't do a thing for you, except watch you flounder before something far greater than yourself.. They tell you they know how hard it is, trying to get you to reach some sort of acceptance, and then you, refusing to... Knowing solace has no place here, and wishing it did...

Feeling yourself search for the comfort of the very person you're fighting to find... Each loss pushing him further away, knowing in your heart, you may well have to let it go, despite you promising yourself you wouldn't lose him to this... Knowing he's fighting to keep you, but knowing he has to fight harder to keep himself... Heart being crushed at the thought of losing such a special friend... Remembering all the things you have overcome together, embracing the laughter, smiles and even tears shed... Always content with the company, regardless of what mood you were both in...

Not knowing how you'll be, for losing someone so close to you, you lose a part of yourself... You feel the pain running through you so deeply, and then you search for ways to fill the void... Knowing you can't, the sadness consuming you... The tears help wash away the hope and happiness, each drop polishing the scales of the dragon... you see your own reflection, disturbed by your own appearance, it represents your own devastation, pain, and finally, your own will... You watch yourself allowing it to be separated from you, this loss causing pain so severe you don't know what to do with yourself... You try to find a brave face, to wear before those who care about you, but it masks only the exterior... The inner part of you, torn up, the dragons claws making shreds of your very being... But only the soul, for that is your torment, to bear an inner pain, the darkness creeping into the places where light once shone so bright... Care for anything being carried away by the rodents that thrive in such darkness, feeding on all the goodness you contain... thriving on your grief... You push grief away, bury it inside you, hide it away, refusing to acknowledge it, but it only grows in that darkness... You cannot overcome it, or remove it until you deal with it, acknowledge it, and move past it, through it...

You remain at the dragon's feet, feel the warmth breath of the beast, but are still sooo cold laying in its shadow... You shut your eyes, unable to move, barely breathing, almost wishing you weren't... You remember the story of the dragon philosophy, then you feel the dragon philosophy... You feel yourself slipping away, losing the very person you once were... The dragon leans over you, watching you with interest, watching the last of the last... It waits...

Emptiness taking over... Body wounded but alive... Soul dying fast... Pain and emptiness mixing together, making the inside hollow... Finding one last tiny bit of strength, you reach out and touch the smooth scales, then look up at the dragon... This loss, the last one... The soul can fight no more, the hollow body may live on, but the ongoing war with the dragon, over... She thinks of a sweet soul now so distant from her... Maybe in another life... Her tears seal her eyes shut, with her soul's last breath she whispers... "Sometimes the dragon wins"...

~ Shae Leigh
4th-June-1997


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