"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced
to live for days on nothing but food and water."
-W. C. Fields

"A rich man is nothing but a
poor man with money."
-W. C. Fields

"You can't trust water:
Even a straight stick turns crooked in it."
-W. C. Fields

"The world is getting
to be such a dangerous place,
a man is lucky to get out of it alive."
-W. C. Fields

"Remember, a dead fish can float down stream,
but it takes a live one to swim upstream."
-W. C. Fields

"Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse."
-W. C. Fields

"Happiness means quiet nerves."
-W. C. Fields

"After two days in hospital,
I took a turn for the nurse."
-W. C. Fields

"Start every day off with a
smile and get it over with."
-W. C. Fields