It was near closing time at "hotclothes" in Harvard Square and Kizmet was about to lock the doors when in burst Wild Rose, Mac4me, Kiwi and Wheels.
"Hey woman" they yelled. "Close up and let's go to Chris Lambert's pizza place for dinner!"
As Kizmet put the final closing touches on the store, the door opened and in walked the finest example of manhood in the universe. Unfortunately he was wearing a green suit and a limp purple shirt which made all the assembled fruits cringe.
"Must of got it as a Christmas present from an aunt," said Kiwi, sotto voice.
"Dress me. I need to look great tonight," the man said, flashing a devilish grin. "Does this magenta jacket go with these polka dotted pants?"
"Ummmm.....let me help you," Kizmet said as she took the jacket from him and tossed it behind the counter.
"Where are you going tonight?" Wild Rose asked not bothering to hide her fascination with the handsomest man she'd ever seen.
Just then Juju saw Rassberry. Rassberry walked up and, almost begging, asked "Can I help?"
"Gotta a HOT date with some delicious BABES!" he said with a twinkle in BOTH eyes! Assembled fruits (all) took a collective gasp & sigh ... Mac (that pulsating piece of womanhood) sauntered over to the victim, er, handsome hunk and offered suggestions about what he could do with his hair; WR gently shoved Wheels (still standing with mouth WIDE open) aside, side-stepped and, placing herself between Mac & the hunk, offered suggestions on ties; Kiz (ever the gracious, thoughtful, too-too sweet professional) stepped on both Mac's & WR's feet as she stood very, very (ooo, what a tart!) very close to the hunk and smiled as he said . . .
kizmet just heard a mumble as he replied as she was eying his body, all in a professional manner of course. With her training, she was able to determine what the sizes of his waist, inseam, neck, arms, shoe....and other things were.
Wearing a professional demeanor (and a stunningly daring black velvet mini dress), she approached the handsome customer. Placing her hands on his waist, she said "Honey, we have just what you need!"
Just at that moment in walked ChestNuts, 'mater, Pommes, Carmen and Winesap. "Where's the rest of the gang?" Kiwi asked.
"They're on their way," Carmen replied eyeing the man with a sultry look.
A voice speaks over the conversation: "Unbeknownst to the rest of the Fruits, kizmet had been expecting this visitor to arrive this afternoon. She had an inside track and had been informed that he had been given the address of this shop. Prior to the hunk's arrival, she had devised a plan to avoid the pizza at Lambert's place. Who would choose pizza when they had prime beef in front of them?
"Now, back to the story....."
After taking his measurements (and taking way too long to do so!) Kizmet picked out some great pants, shirts, and jackets and showed him where the fitting room was.
"No peeking!" he said, with a naughty grin, to the awestruck fruits trying to act casual.
"I wonder why Kizmet is wearing such a fancy dress when she knew we were all going out for pizza tonight?" Carmen said suspiciously.
The bell on the door jingled and in came a woman "I'm looking for my boyfriend," she said. "Tall, dark and handsome- can't miss him."
"Never saw him," ChestNuts said with a straight face. "You might try the Banana Republic down the block."
"No, no, ChestNuts. He did come in here. Remember, he asked for directions to the Slippery Banana- a bar on the other side of town. Pommes gave him directions to it."
"That's right!" said Kiwi. "Hey Pommes, what were those directions?"
"Oh, just get on the MBTA and get off where Charlie gets off." (ok, ok that dates me and those fruits that don't know the song about Charlie and the MTA can just do a search on it, lol). The woman, looking confused, backed out of the door and all the fruits heaved a sigh of relief.
"Hey!" said the gorgeous one trying on clothes, "I think my zipper is stuck!"
"I'm on my way," said Kizmet, just before she was tackled by the rest of the fruits.
"Whooahhhh!" said Wheels. "I think I have the best professional experience to assist him in this problem."
"Yeah right," said the rest of the fruits and then the hunk hollered, "Nope, just zipped my....well, everything is OK now." Hearing a loud crash, he asked, "What was that?"
"Ahh, nothing!!" answered Mac4Me, as she, Pommes, Winesap and WR untangled themselves from the floor, where they had fallen after kizmet tripped them in their dash to the changing rooms.
"I told you those changing rooms were NOT co-ed!!" whispered kizmet to the fruits glaring at her. "Besides," she muttered to herself. "If anyone is going to be undoing those jeans, it will be me!!"
"How do I look?" he said as he sauntered out of the fitting room.
"Delicious!" sighed 'mater.
"Perfect!" exclaimed Winesap.
"Fantastic!" Chantilly Lace said as she came through the front door followed by Cherries, Oli, and Lemonmaid.
"Try on another one," Wheels purred as she stroked his arm.
"And don't forget these!" ChestNuts added as she tossed him some leopard print looms.
"I'll have to let the owner of this shop know how helpful the staff is," the man said as he stripped his shirt off and exposed his bronze chest to their gaze. "Are you sure that I wouldn't look good in that puce tanktop over there? Or that pair of orange leather pants?" he asked wistfully.
"Wait a minute ladies .....conference.... one minute sir," Winesap said, batting her eyelashes (and looking ridiculous in the process , might I add). As they huddled in the corner, Winesap wondered aloud if they really wanted him to look "too good" after all *they* knew what he basically looked like without his clothes(or most of them). But Mac4me piped up....
"Yes, we do know. But we also know how women like to redo men's fashions. Look at us now! If we let him out in the clothes HE picks, women will be knocking us over trying to change his dressing style. I say that if we dress him as handsome as he can be, AND we all surround him, we'll have a better chance of being around when he takes those clothes off again. What do you think?"
Meanwhile Winesap is thinking, "Boy those skin tight orange leather pants would look GREAT on him!! I can just see myself peeling him out of them like you would take the skin off an orange!" Actually she is thinking she wouldn't mind peeling off whatever he had on! (But being an old fashioned girl, WS likes those chambray shirts and faded jeans)...But, around the corner, lurking, much like carrion over a corpse, was a tall, thin figure wearing a long trench coat. This figure, unbeknownst to the unsuspecting fruits, had other plans for the man.... The man that was currently enrapturing the ladies with his bared chest....What were the plans of the secret figure? Were they sinister or were they mild mannered? *snigger*
As she silently watched, Amanda wondered who these strange ladies were, and why would they want to change "her" DM? She'd heard about SAPS and while she wasn't happy with it, she knew how to deal with them BAHAHAAAA...But this was a whole other can of worms.
"These women are REALLY obsessed," she thought,"And one or two of them might be downright dangerous!"
Meanwhile back at the shop, Kiz, Wheels, WR, Mac and the rest of the fruits narrowed their eyes at WS's remark. What an un-fruit-like thing to say! (the nerve!), and they remembered back to a time when WS wasn't really WS and to say she was up to no good, would be like saying Donald Trump was a real estate agent....
But they all ate some chocolate and the feeling passed... Meanwhile, back to the subject at hand... Their main mission was to keep this magnificent example of manhood away from anything orange, puce, or polka-dotted, for that matter. WR was the woman for that job as she leapt for the pants and ripped them right down the leg-seam..."Oops, sorry Kiz. I will gladly reimburse you for the cost of those pants," said WR. The gentleman (who, I might add, was leaking testosterone) said "Wait one minute!"....
"I just noticed that it's past closing time. I'm sorry. I didn't realize the shop was closed. I'll take what I have on and the other two you showed me. Kind of subdued for me but if you're sure they look good on me..." he said questioningly.
(The fruits nodded their heads so hard they had temporary whip lash.)
"My date seems to have stood me up. We were to meet here so do you ladies have any plans for tonight?" he asked.
"Well we were going to go to the piz....." one of the fruits started to say before another one stomped on her foot.
"Nope. We're up for anything. Right ladies?" 'mater said with a smile.
"Oh yeah!" someone moaned and once again the head nodding began.
"Let's go to my favorite place," he said leading them out the door and into his limo. And before he could finish his sentence... Amanda came through the door. "Mac, Dahling" she said. "After over one thousand years on earth a girl learns a few things.....like how to sew for instance. If you like those pants...your Amanda is here to rescue you from these *fashion police*"
"Sorry sweetheart, I've already promised to take these ladies out on the town tonight."
"Ladies ....where?...I don't see any ladies here!" sniffed Amanda.
"Listen, you...you...over-blown pituitary case!" seethed a red-faced Mac4me. "You wouldn't recognize a Lady if she bit your...."
"Now, now, ladies," he said, hiding a smile "Amanda....don't be rude. I'll walk you out".
"Yeah don't let the door hit you on your way out," muttered Nanas.
He led Amanda out the door and helped her into her car. She laid rubber as she took off in a snit.
"Now, off for a night on the town," he said as he helped the fruits into the huge limo.
Being a gentleman, he held the door open as the ladies entered the vehicle. As the last one entered and was seated, she turned to speak to him, only to watch in disbelief as he put on a chartreuse coat and wrapped a Pepto Bismol colored scarf around his neck.
"Honey you won't need that coat or scarf," Wheels told him as she reached over and took it off his neck. "We'll keep you plenty warm."
The driver shut the door to the limo and off they went.
"Where are we going?" Chantilly Lace asked.
"To Raymundo's," he said. "Anyone like to dance?"
"Raymundo's.....is that that new club where they feature Latino music? Haven't Santana, Ricky Martin, and Marc Anthony played there?" Vanilla asked.
"Yeah. In fact Ricky will be there tonight," he said.
"We love to dance!" Wild Rose exclaimed. "This is going to be some night."
The limo pulled up in front of Raymundo's and they saw Rassberry, Newfpal, Jalapenos & Tess20 waiting outside the nightclub.
"The gang's all here!" Mac4me exclaimed.
There was a long line to get into Raymundo's but when the guy at the door saw the man he smiled and let the whole group in the celebrity entrance. Ricky was singing "shake your bon bon...." on the stage and the fruits started shaking it. The man lead the whole group out on the dance floor and immediately began doing the Funky Chicken AND the Disco Duck simultaneously...totally out of sync with the music.
In astonishment, the Fruits realized that his dancing was as bad as his taste in clothes. This puzzled them because he'd always been such a great dancer on the show he was featured in. But then, he'd always been a good dresser on that show too, so maybe he had to have his dances choreographed for him.
The fruits made a big circle around him and danced hiding him from view of the other dancers.
Just then someone yelled "Limbo!" and the dance floor was cleared. The limbo pole was brought in and DM tore off his shirt and the above picture was taken...
He'd hated that darned shirt anyway (*snicker*)
After the fruits shimmied their way under limbo bar and paused for some liquid refreshment, they noticed Ricky coming over to their table. He greeted Mac with a handshake and said, "You got great taste in women!"
The fruits tried to keep their eyes off of his tight leather pants but it wasn't easy. The band started playing again and Ricky yelled "Conga!" Mac picked up the fruit center piece and holding it onto his head, began to lead the fruits around the dance floor doing the conga. Ricky brought up the rear (and oh what a rear *eg*)
CN immediately grabbed Mac's end, much to the groaning of all the other fruits. "Oh hush up fruit sisters!" she said, "We'll take turns."
"Oh don't bother," murmured Wheels, who had the Ricky boy firmly "in hand."
"Well," pronounced Kiwi, "Let's conga and switch places when we've done a full circle."
"Thanks for the offer....Butt, *groan*....sorry , with DM here I wouldn't touch that Martin boy with a ten foot pole, and if I caught him on that pole I'd have to throw him back!!!"
Mac4me laughed "Um *ripe* that's why they are called *boy* toys." *EG*
So everyone got to grab Mac and Ricky decided that Mac had the best "assets" hands down. *eg* Exhausted from all of the dancing, the fruits decided to rest a bit but just then the band started to play a flamenco.
Mac smiled and took Carmen's hand and said, "My dear, you are an incredible dancer! In fact you are on a par with my beloved JuJu here, whom I have always the considered the best!!"
Suddenly, all fruit eyes were on JuJu. Had she and Mac had a "relationship"????....
As this thought echoed throughout the area, someone was heard to gasp & exclaim, "Omigosh! Wonder if this "relationship" happened during the "red tights" episode?"
Everyone suddenly turned at this mention of "red tights" and shuddered. What is it about those (shudder!) "red tights" (shudder) that makes one shudder (shudder)?? Did it have anything at all to do with tee-shirts too? ... And, while we are on the subject of shuddering, what kind of dance are TAO and Carmen attempting at this point in time? Carmen's eyes are glazed and his hands are (gee gosh golly) on her lower back and show every sign of slipping further down during the dance of love also know as the flamenco.
Just then the crowd parted and Methos appeared. Wheels made a beeline for him.....with Wild Rose trying to trip her. Laughing, they both reached Methos at the same time. But they were not quick enough! Chantilly Lace, the usually quiet and shy one, had slipped out early on for some fresh air while the fruits were busy dancing. While outside she had ran into her old friend Methos and now they were holding hands. Chantilly Lace smiled ever so politely at the two of them as Ricky broke into "She's All I Ever Had" and the two walked out onto the dance floor.
"Well I never…" broke out Wheels as she turned to Wild Rose, who was obviously in shock and totally speechless at this point. Wild Rose wasn't speechless for long. Humming the song "Sisters" from the old movie "White Christmas", Wild Rose and Wheels put their heads together and came up with a plan....
From the corner of her eye Chantilly could see that Wild Rose and Wheels were up to something...but what? Quickly, she whispered into Methos ear or was it a bit of nibbling? She was after all showing a side she had never shown before.
But what she didn't know was that a waiter was right behind her with a big fruity drink. "Oops!" he exclaimed as he accidently spilled it all over CL.
Handing CL a towel and the waiter a $50, Wheels and Wild Rose each took one of Methos' arms and lead him out on the dance floor. "I really hate doing that to a sister fruit," Wheels said guiltily.
"All's fair in love and war and this is war!" muttered Wild Rose.
Methos was amused, having been the object of many women's affections in the past 5000 years. "I hope you don't intend to spill a drink on me," he laughed.
"If we do we'll make sure it's a beer, honey!" Wheels said.
"Oh, no!" Methos exclaimed in mock horror. "That would be a waste of a perfectly good beer!"
Raymundo's was closing, much to the dismay of the fruits, Mac, and Methos. "Where to now?" Kizmet asked as they left the nightclub.
"Hey Kiz, dearest, I've got an idea!" WS piped up.
CL was heard to mutter, "Well, hurry up & out with it, woman! I'm freezing!" ('member she was, er, wet, ahem, I mean still trying to dry ... oh heck you know what I mean!).
Kiz (that wild & crazy fruit was on the same page as Winesap) said, "Okay, guys. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but it has. Let's go to my place & hit my cellar. I believe it'll serve for this purpose, besides I haven't really christened it and I can't think of a more slatternly group, er, I mean interesting gang of critter, er, folks to help with this awesome ceremony!"
With a LOUD and rousing cheer, the next sound was a scramble for cars (with many a grope & a feel here & there...stop it, CN, leave that man alone!).
We arrived at Kiz's shoppe (the "pe" means "pay extra") and after she opened the doors, she led the way to her basement. When she opened the large double doors, we couldn't believe what we saw! It was positively . . .
