Ladies of the Board

The Awesome Fruit Adventure (aka- Fruit Cocktail)

Once upon a time there was a Fruit Bowl. In this Fruit Bowl lived every kind of Fruit imaginable. There were sweet Fruits, tart Fruits, tall Fruits, short Fruits, silly Fruits, and even some Fruits that didn't seem like Fruits at all. All was good in the Fruit Bowl. Life was good and the Fruits were happy.

One day, Wild Rose had an idea. "Let's go on an adventure!" she said.

The other fruits thought that sounded splendid! So, they packed up their belongings, being extra careful with the Things They Kept, and started on their way.

Half way out the door, 'mater realized she had forgotten The List. The Fruits simply could NOT function without The List, so they all waited patiently while 'mater went back and got it. Upon her return, Din0 realized no one had remembered to pack the body paint!!! kizmet and Blackberry hurried back to the corner to pack up as much body paint as they could carry.

Finally, with everything in place, the group of giggling Fruits set out on the adventure of their lives. You see, they were going to find the Passion Fruit, their hero. Rumor had it that he could be found just down the Purple Brick Road. The day was bright and spirits were high as the Fruits started walking.

The Fruits were having so much fun walking and giggling that they didn't notice the forest that loomed ahead. The path started getting narrower and darker, and more tangled with overgrowth. This was not a well traveled path, and the Fruits started looking over their shoulders, shaking with fear! Suddenly, from the bushes, jumped A MEAN UGLY TROLL who wanted to eat all of their chocolate and steal the body paint as a toll for walking down his forest path. For safe passage, the Troll wanted all the Things They Kept.

"Noooo!!" murmured the Fruits to each other.

They all looked around, hoping to find some way past the ugly Troll. But the only way to continue was through the little monster.

The Fruits began whispering and pushed a slightly dazed Kiwi to the front of the group. Kiwi looked at the ugly little Troll and then back at the Fruits.

"Whada ya want ME to do about it?" kiwi questioned, pinching her nose at the stench coming from the Troll.

"You're lawyerish...talk to him!" Carmen shouted from the back of the group while clutching her Red Delete Key protectively.

Kiwi took a deep breath and stepped forward and asked the Troll, "Under whose authority do you control this path, what chapter, what section, what jurisdiction do you have?"

The Troll said, "Under California Code 553948393, of course."

"Well," said Kiwi, "you're not in La La Land anymore, and you have no jurisdiction in AP land."

The troll snarled and said, "ARGH!!!"

He moved off the path and back into the forest muttering something under his breath about never again buying the right to a trail from a no good, low life sneak again! "The Brooklyn Bridge deal is probably a hoax as well," he mumbled.

The Fruits heaved a collective sigh of relief! They and the Things They Kept were safe! Continuing along the path, they came upon a cute little cottage. Feeling a bit nibblish and thirsty from the day's events, they decided to go in.

The cottage was dim, the only light came from two small windows. The Fruits peered around the room, surprised to see a vast feast spread over the length and breath of a heavy mahogany table. All of a sudden a form, seemingly detaching himself from the corner, appeared. There stood, in all his glory, Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod, (long, dark hair fanning across his shoulders, kilt stopping just at his knees, sword sheathed but at the ready).

Food and drink now the furthest thought from their minds, the Fruits stood, drinking in instead this most wonderful of surprises. Now, to be sure, there was a bit of elbowing and nudging as each Fruit tried to catch a better view of Duncan. But Physalis, jumping up and down, exclaiming with glee, said, "Ooooh, there's my Kilt." All the Fruits turned to her, the spell broken.

But wait, the scene was changing … mist appearing and swirling as if by magic.

"OK! Head check!" Mel yelled, watching the mist swirl around her feet.

Everyone looked around to see if anyone was missing their heads. To everyone's relief, all heads were in place. The mist began to rise, and before their eyes, Duncan's form melted into it. Physalis reached out and grabbed ‘her’ Kilt just before Duncan completely disappeared. As the mist blew away out the window, all that could be heard was a deep Scottish voice saying, "Ye coulda least left a mon his dignity, ya ken!"

The Fruits giggled at the voice and then decided since the beautiful Duncan had disappeared, they might as well eat. Soon, they were all stuffed and miserable. Several thought a nap sounded nice, but Wild Rose insisted they be on their way. Everyone groaned and got to their feet.

Slowly the Fruits trudged down the Purple Path. They had eaten way too much, especially the wonderful chocolate desserts, and after seeing the man of their dreams, all the Fruits were breathless.

"This isn't a adventure," sighed Pommes, "It's ‘Outward Bound’ for Fruits, and I don't know if I have the stamina."

The path grew steeper and more gnarled with roots, and after a sharp turn it divided. "Which way do we go now?" said ChestNuts.

"Well," said sage Wild Rose, "let's see if we can observe any clues on the path."

All the Fruits examined the fork in the road with great care. No one could find a clue. "Hmmm," said 'mater with her finger along side her nose, "perhaps we need to use our other senses to decide."

Suddenly the Fruits heard the most delicious music coming from the right fork. It was hard scrabble blues sung in a raspy voice, accompanied by a wicked guitar.

"Oh yes," said Kiwi, "Let's follow this path."

So onward they trudged with their bellies full and their hearts light. The path was rutted and strewn with debris from a recent storm, which made the going rough, but the Fruits are a persimmon, I mean, persistent bunch. The path grew narrower and steeper, and still the music grew no nearer. Wild Rose was huffing along and Pommes was complaining that she would have worn sensible shoes if she had known their adventure would involve so much hiking, but still they all persevered. Fruitfly flew ahead and came back so excited she could hardly speak. Plums let her land on her shoulder and she could barely get out the words. Her voice being small, they all had to strain their ears to hear fruitfly say, "It's a bar! It's a bar!"

"A BEAR?!?" screamed Chestnuts, "WHERE?!?"

Several of the Fruits at the back of the group began looking for a place to hide. Someone whispered rather loudly, "D-d-do bears eat FRUIT?"

Someone else whispered, "Can bears climb trees?"

And from someone else came the statement, "I've gotta pee!!!"

Plums gave everyone a hard look to quiet them before stating, "Not a BEAR...a BAR."

"Ohhhh," the Fruits said in unison.

Someone from the back of the group stated, "I've still gotta pee."

Fruitfly looked disgruntled and cleared her tiny voice to shout the rest of her message. "It's him!! Joe Dawson and his Blues Band," huffed little fruitfly. "Not far now!!"

The Fruits, bolstered by the good news, (and no longer fearful of being eaten by a bear), trudged on with renewed vigor. The path twisted and turned several times, and Thistle had to help Juju up when she tripped on a gnarled root, but at last the Fruits reached a clearing and the source of the music. They settled themselves around the band to listen, and Banana's passed around the Single Malt Whiskey to ward off cold. "Not too much now, I need some left to keep!!" she warned.

Joe looked into the crowd and asked, "Any requests?"

Huckleberry jumped up and shouted, "Stuck On You!" and all the Fruits said, "YES!!! That's the one!!!"

JD and his band started playing, the Fruits started swaying, (now mind you, some were still too full from the feast they had just shared), Din0 was just sashaying to beat the band, Pommes was seen snapping her fingers in time to the beat, Juju was dancing, dancing, dancing, fruitfly flitting here and there. Some of the Fruits still needed to go the ladies room, (it had been a long hike after all!), but all were be-bopping.

JD was just playing his little ole heart out. Next up was "Fire On The Bayou". Seaweed exclaimed, "Right On!...You go!!"

All the Fruits were so caught up in the music that no one noticed the alligator that had slithered out of the swamp and into the clearing. The gator slipped silently past the dancing Fruits, pausing only once to grin a most evil grin. It then made a bee line for the couch Wild Rose was lounging on. If red was the color that attracted bulls, then YELLOW was the color that attracted alligators!

The gator opened his mouth to take a bite out of the Yellow Couch. That's when Wild Rose noticed him. She quickly grabbed up her chocolate, stood up on the couch and squealed, "Cherries! Hand me your sword!"

Cherries, Keeper of the Sword, whirled into action, quickly tossing it to Wild Rose. The sight of that sword brought all of the Fruits to attention. Like a flag waving and the National Anthem playing, the flashing sword was a call to attention for all the Fruits. They formed a line, (behind Wild Rose), and gave forth with a mighty Fruit Yell.

"TOWANDA!"

The sound of all the Fruits yelling in unison and the huge sword glistening in the sunlight sent that gator slithering off as fast as he could go. Joe and his band were so impressed that they played into the early hours of the morning.

The next morning the Fruits were off again on their adventure to find their Passion Fruit. But first, they stopped by the gift shop across the Purple Brick Road from the bar. It seems they were having a sale on hiking shoes. Everyone picked out a pair to match their Fruit color. 'mater's were red, Din0's were light green, Wild Rose's were brown, Plum’s were purple. As the Fruits left the shop, the rainbow of colors on their feet made the group look as cheerful as they felt.

They started back along the path, humming a cheerful tune. All of a sudden, Fruit Cake realized that all along the side of the path there seemed to be tiny, multicolored blossoms bobbing happily in the breeze.

Fruit Cake called out to her cheerful companions, "OH, see what I have found!" and she stooped to gather a few of the flowers to weave into her hair. As she touched the first enchanting plant it tried to bite her finger. That's when she noticed that the flowers had teeth!

"Try to pick us, will you!" snarled one of the blossoms.

"Yeah, pick on someone your own size!" snapped another.

Fruit Cake backed up, alarmed. Boysenberry hurried over and looked at the flowers Fruit Cake had tried to pick. "Why, they're Snap Dragons!" she exclaimed! "But I've never seen any with teeth before!"

Sea Weed, clutching her eye brow comb, whimpered, "We'd better leave them alone! They seem so angry!"

"I think you're right," agreed Jalapenos. "I don't want to pick them. Besides," she taunted as the Fruits scurried away, "they smell!!"

The Fruits hurried along the path, realizing that this was not the way they had come. Nothing looked familiar, and they were feeling quite lost. Up ahead they could see a figure of a man walking with a spring in his step. As they got closer, they recognized Fitzcairn!!

"What have we here?" he shouted joyfully! "Whoops!! Look out, now! There's a sight for this tired laddie's eyes! I've never seen such an attractive bunch of Fruits in one spot. Where are you all off to?"

"Well," said Wild Rose quite shyly, [cough, hack, sputter, cough...cough...(sorry, the author said)], "we have had one adventure and we're off on another. And where are you off to sir?"

The man called Fitz smiled and said, "Well, I'm looking for an adventure myself. You see, I've been looking for an old friend and thought he was in the area, but I guess I have just missed him. He and I have the most unexpected times together."

"Well," said kizmet, "you are welcome to join us on our quest sir, as long as you remember the principle rule of our clan."

"No Eating The Fruit!!" the Fruits chimed in unison!!

"Excuse me!" called a voice from the back of the Fruits. "But I DID NOT chime in unison! I, personally, have no objections to certain people nibbling on me!"

As the Fruits turned around to stare at the unnamed Fruit, she sheepishly grinned and said, "I would have cried out 'Eat me... Fruit does a body good!', but I figured someone might not want to hear that!"

Fitzcairn threw his head back and laughed long and loud. Several of the Fruits also chuckled, while others merely looked at the renegade Fruit sideways.

Wheels, ever ready to charge ahead, exclaimed, "Well?!?!? Are we going or not?!?!?"

So off they went with their multi-colored sneakers and the Things They Kept, with Fitz in their midst telling bawdy tales. Soon they came to a clearing. The sun was shining quite bright and hot, and you could here the drone of bees buzzing among the Poppies. The Fruits became quite sleepy. They couldn't keep their eyes open. Oli, the dear little Fruit, simply plopped herself down on the spot and announced, "I just can't take another step!"

Peaches became suspicious. "This just isn't right," she thought. Soon all the Fruits were plopping down right and left. "Don't sit down, Fruits!" she cried. "We must push on!"

"But I can't take another step," moaned Plums. "I'm too sleepy."

Little did they know, but there was an impostor in their midst. One of the group did not fall right OR left- this one fell in the middle!

Peaches, trying hard to fight the sleepiness, thought, "Hmmm, who of us prefer the middle?" Yawning, she mumbled, "I know!! Why, I'll be! It's ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

"Who? It's Who?" Fitz demanded, but no one answered because they were all out cold. "Who. Heehee. Who." Fitz laughed to himself at the pun he had made and looked around. Softly, he heard a quiet giggling. He glanced around trying to find the source. It was then that he realized the giggling was coming from the flowers!

"Oh my! You're talking! I've seen a lot in my day, but I've never seen talking flowers!" Fitz said with amusement.

The flowers giggled louder and said in unison, "That's what they get for saying our friends the Snap Dragons stink!"

"Surely this isn't all because of a comment!" Fitz said. "Tell me, who do you work for?"

The flowers giggled again and said, "It's a Secret!"

"Oh, come now. You can tell me! It isn't like any of THESE lazy Fruits are going to hear you! They're sleeping like the dead...They're not dead are they?"

Again the flowers giggled, "Not dead...sleeping. Sleeping forever. And we don't tell our secrets!"

Suddenly a cloud appeared over the field, and in it a proportionally perfect man could be seen covering himself with a leaf, (a big leaf mind you).

"My god, laddie. Where have your britches gone?" Fitz asked.

"That one there has them and she won't give them back!" he said, pointing to Physalis. "But that one over there has lots of my JEANS. See if you can get me a pair."

Fitz wondered over to kizmet and struggled until he freed a pair of the jeans from her clutches. Even in her sleep she held on for dear life! Fitz tossed the jeans up to the cloud and watched amazed as the jeans disappeared into it and reappeared on the perfect body.

"Ah...that's better. Listen Fitz. You have to come rescue me!" the Adorable One said. "This monster wants to destroy me and all that I stand for!"

"The Who?" Fitz asked.

"No...not the Who...the Poisonous Person Biter! We call it the PPB for short. It wants to destroy me and take over AP land AND the Fruit Bowl! The flowers work for the PPB. You have to convince them to awaken the Fruits and then come save me!!"

And with that, the cloud disappeared and the Passion Fruit with it. The little flowers stopped their giggling. ("Good," thought Fitz, "They were beginning to sound like Juliet, my dear, former killer wife!")

As one voice, the flowers protested, "We do NOT work for the Poisonous Person Biter. It's a myth- it doesn't exist. We are trusted members of 'Papaver, Euphorbia, Antirrhinum, Chamelaucium and Eryngium', a group of misnamed and misunderstood flowers."

Before they could continue, a moan was heard amongst the Fruits. kizmet, knowing someone has messed with her JEANS, has forced her way through the drugging fog to find the fink who freed the fine JEANS that she fiendishly kept from fondlers.

"FITZ!!" she fumed, fumbling among the flowers, "Find the fastest way to free us from this foolish ‘sleep forever’ twist!"

Fitz looked around his feet at the snoozing Fruits. He crossed his arms and glanced at the P.E.A.C.E flowers who swore they didn't work for the P.P.B.

"Ok," Fitz said. In a louder voice, directed to no one in particular, he boomed, "Cue Gentle Rain!"

Immediately, clouds began to form overhead, and a gentle rain did indeed begin to fall. A little wet, but none the worse for wear, all the Fruits began to wake up. As they awoke, Fitz began an a cappella rendition of ‘Stand By Me.’ Soon they were all awake except for poor little oli, but after a swift kick...ahhh...I mean sweet nudge from kizmet, she too was back on her feet.

"Wha-a-a-t?" queried Kumquat. "What happened?"

"You were overcome by the poppies, my dears. But all's well now. Wakey, wakey!! Time to trot!" And he wasn’t' kidding, as he trotted off in the lead.

"Fruit, where are we going?" asked Cake.

"I don't know, Cake. We will just have to be patient and see."

"I don't do patient well, Fruit. Ask him where we are going, or I'm going to sit down again!"

"Oh, alright, Cake." Fruit cleared her throat and spoke to Fitz. "Excuse me, Mr. Fitzcairn? Where are you taking us?"

"Well, while you were all sleeping, Duncan, the Passion Fruit, came by in a cloud. Not a stitch on, either!! What a sight!" howled Fitz. "I had to grab him a pair of Jeans to cover him up with!" [kizmet muttered, "I knew someone had purposefully purloined a pair of perfectly pressed Jeans!" *snort*] Fitz continued, "He's in a bit of a pickle, ladies! He asked us to rescue him. We're off to the dreaded dark Dungeons of Drucilla, to free him from the PPB's!!"

The Fruits began to quake in their colorful sneakers. Carmen asked, "But in order to get there, don't we have to cross over the Slimy Steppes of Saluria and the Putrid Pool of Perfidy?"

The Fruits looked stunned for a moment. Facing the unknown was one thing, but rising to the challenge of the Steppes and the Pool would definitely require renewed supplies of chocolate, not to mention the appropriate coverings for their colorful new tennies.

Still, they were all faithful little Fruits, willing to brave the worst for their one true leader. Soon they were all up and moving into line for the dangerous trek. All except for poor little oli. But after a swift kick...ahhh...I mean sweet nudge from kizmet, she too was back on her feet.

Fitz led the way, humming a chorus of ‘Stand By Me’.

Soon the troop approached the dreaded Slimy Steppes. One at a time they approached the edge of the Steppes. The whole group paused and peered into the gloom. They could hear a nasty rumble and an occasional groan from up ahead.

"Oh no," gasped Pommes. "I've heard tell of this place in our history. It's also known to us Fruits as the FORUMS OF NO HUMOR!"

The Fruits trembled in their sneakers. Plums said, (in a somewhat argumentative manner), "Fitz, we Fruits just want to have fun. These parts have no use for us. They think we're too tart."

Fitz replied, "Well, I like tart Fruits."

kizmet muttered under breath, "Yeah, you've probably been called that a few times."

"What?" queried Fitz.

"Oh nothing, just humming under my breath."

"That's it!" piped up Oli. "We'll protect ourselves by singing funny limericks. We're good at that!"

"OK," said Fitz. "Let's hear one!"

'Naners began to sing and the other fruits joined in.

"There once were some fruits from the Bowl,
On whom real life took such a toll
For fun they would play
On the Net all day
Being sent to the corner their goal!"

Fitz laughed in appreciation..."My turn now", he said. "There once was a lady from Nantucket...." he began with a naughty twinkle in his eye....

"Enough of that!" Evil Wild Rose said sternly, trying not to laugh. She'd heard that particular limerick before. "We're not afraid of the FORUMS OF NO HUMOR, are we Fruits?"

"No, we've handled problems before, and together we'll do it again," Plum Brandy said with a smile. She offered her delicious flask of Plum Brandy to the other Fruits.

They set off once again up the Slimy Steppes of Saluria. All the Fruits set off with a "spring" in their steps, (which was difficult, as the Steppes were, well, slimy!). They were on a mission, you see, to rescue their one and only Passion Fruit. But, as they continued up the Steppes, they began to be bogged down in the murky mire.

"Come on Fruits!", said Fitz, "You're not going to let a little mire bog you down now, are you?!? Duncan needs some assistance, and you're just the ‘bunch’ to help!".

"I knew these sneakers were knock offs," mumbled Wild Rose.

"But, Wild Rose, they told us at that cute shop that these were true Air Jordan's," said Pineapple, as she kept on pushing the button.

As the Fruits were struggling just to place one foot in front of another, they encountered the dreaded Putrid Pool of Perfidy.

'mater, holding her nose and clutching her List, yelped, "What is that dreadful smell?!?!?" She looked suspiciously at Physalis. "Are you sure the lid's tight on that jar of Farts you're holding?"

Physalis, looking rather indignant, responded, "Of course it is! I take good care of the Things I Keep! I got my Kilt back, didn't I?!? The smell isn't coming from my jar, it's coming from that, that..." she pointed ahead, a look of dismay on her face.

The Fruits looked to where she was pointing. There, under a cloud of noxious fumes, lay the source of the smell.

"Now what do we do?" Lady Charlene asked, holding her nose.

"I don't know, but this smell is making me sick," Mulberry gasped.

"There's a bridge over here," Carmen said, exploring the area further. "Let's see where it goes."

They started to cross the bridge, stepping carefully and holding their noses, when suddenly, TRIP-TRAP, TRIP-TRAP (they went off the Bridge).

"Whoa!" said Fitz. "Someone or something has destroyed the bridge!"

The Fruits helped each other tread water.

"Hey Fitz," yelled kizmet, "can you see the shore?"

"No, ladies," he yelled, "it's too foggy."

The Fruits were growing tired and regretted this turn of the adventure when they heard a familiar voice. "Keep swimming, my lovely Fruits, dry land ahead." They heard the sound of their Passion Fruit. "Dry land, hot cocoa, and massages from me."

Needless to say, the Fruits swam like they have never swum before. One by one they struggled up on the shore- where they beheld the dreaded Drucilla!! This was almost too much for the poor Fruits to bear, as they stood there with smelly slime slithering from their soaking bodies.

"Where's our Passion Fruit!!" demanded the Fruits.

Drucilla, eyes flashing with malevolence, cackled, "You didn't think it would be so easy, did you? You are simple Fruits!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Blackcurrent looked pleadingly at Fitz. "But we heard him, Fitz! We heard Passion Fruit, didn't we?"

"Ah, lassie, I should have told you...Drucilla is a master of mimicry. She can make her voice sound like anything she wants. She can be very tricky, so we must be on our guard!"

"Ah, lassie, I should have told you," sneered Drucilla, mimicking Fitz. "Yes, Fitz, you should have told them. Maybe then they wouldn't have come on this fools errand. He's mine, I tell you!! I have him captive in my Dungeon, and I'll not let him go!!"

POOF Drucilla was gone, her voice echoing, "He's mine!"

A steely look came into Pommes eyes. "I have a plan," she said with determination. "Fitz, you take Wheels, ChestNuts, and Wild Rose with you. Make some kind of diversion. Carmen, kizmet...you're with me. Plums, you take the others and try to find Passion Fruit in Drucilla's Dungeon."

Plums and the rest of the Fruits made their way to Drucilla's Lair. It was dark, and spider webs hung from the ceiling. The Fruit made their way down a spiral staircase. They heard low murmuring coming from a small hallway. The hallway had six cells in it. To their fruitful amazement each cell had a clone of Passion Fruit in it.

The first one spoke. "I'm the real Passion Fruit! You must help me!"

The second one said, "NO! I am the *real* Passion Fruit, not him!"

Each one tried to convince the Fruits that *he* was the One! The Fruits had to think of a way to save the real Passion Fruit, but what to do?

A quiet voice from the back said, "Wild Rose has always claimed that Passion Fruit has a hidden birthmark. Wouldn't that let us know which is the true Passion Fruit?"

"Aaaaahhhhhh", the Fruits chimed happily in unison. "Wild Rose, we need Wild Rose! Where is she?"

"She’s with Fitz’s group, creating a diversion!!" bemoaned 'mater. "Oh, if only kizmet was here! I just know that she would recognize his 'Looms. Plus, she probably has a beacon sewn into every pair of his JEANS, since she is so possessive of them!"

"But she’s with Pomme’s group," lamented Plums.

"Hey, we're in the Dungeon, which could be serving double duty as a wine cellar. Maybe there is a bottle around here. We could give it to each Passion Fruit, and which ever one does that thing with his tongue that we soooo like is probably the REAL Passion Fruit," suggested Physalis.

"Or we could fix them a mega-cockatail," suggested Peaches. "and which ever one of the Passion Fruit passes out first, we know we have The Awesome One!"

"Nah, nah, nah! We want *him* coherent, if we're going to be able to get him outta here!" Plums argued. "If he's passed out how the heck would we carry him out? He's a *big* boy!"

"What do you think, ‘mater?" queried Physalis. "Hey, where's 'mater? She was right here a moment ago!"

A hushed silence fell over the group. Soon each Fruit was searching high and low, whispering, " 'mater? Where are you, 'mater?"

"I don't think this is very funny," whispered one.

"I'm scared!" whimpered another.

"I GOTTA PEE!!" wailed a third.

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" they all hushed.

'mater was nowhere to be seen.

"Well, this bites," said Plums. "They put me in charge of one of the groups of Fruits, and I lose one! Wait a minute, what's this???" As Plums leans against one of the cell doors, it creaks open. Inside is 'mater and one of the Duncan clones.

"I don't think it's the original," blushed 'mater. "He's a little clumsy ... but what a kisser!!! And those hands!!!"

Fruitfly buzzed in and landed on Plums shoulder. In her tiny voice, she squealed, "I think I found him!! Deeper in the Dungeon!! Follow me!!"

And follow her they would have, but just then they heard a high shrill shriek!

"What was that?" the Fruits cried.

Suddenly, Fitz, Wheels, ChestNuts, and Wild Rose came galumphing down the passage.

"Well, lassies, it was a diversion you wanted, and it's a diversion you got!" huffed Fitz as he sprinted past the Fruits.

"I'm almost sure Pommes meant for you to create a diversion AWAY from us, Fitz!" yelled Plums, as she fell in behind him and ran.

All the Fruits ran, although many wondered what they were running from. "Fruit, why are we running so in the dark?" queried Cake.

"Because, Cake, everyone else is running."

"But from what, Fruit?"

"Cake, if you want know, just wait a bit...I'm sure it will catch up with you!"

"No thank you, Fruit, I want to stay with you!!"

Fruit and Cake began to gain the lead. Just as the Fruits were rounding a corner, they ran into Pommes, kizmet, and Carmen. All could hear the heavy stomping behind them.

Mel yelled to be heard over the terrified Fruits, "Carmen, you have the Red Delete Key... What ever’s behind us, DELETE IT!!!!"

"It's right here!" Carmen yelled as she pulled the Key out of her pocket. WHOOSH! As she touched the Key, the demon following them vanished and all the cells sprang open. The six Duncan's were released instantly.

‘mater said, "This is our chance, gang. We'll each try our Fruit Charms on these Passion Fruits and we should be able to tell who is the one true Passionate One!"

All of the Fruits wanted a chance to be the one to spend time with the Passion Fruit clones to determine which was the real one. They hadn't heard Fruitfly whisper to Plums that the REAL Passion Fruit was further in the Dungeon. Plums tried to get their attention, but to no avail. All the Fruits began playing ‘Paper, Rock, Scissors’ to determine who would be the one to try out the clones. All, that is, except for the one poor unnamed Fruit who had a weak bladder, for she followed Fruitfly, thinking she was leading her to the bathroom. Fruitfly and the unnamed Fruit made their way toward the back of the Dungeon.

Wild Rose, watching Fruitfly and the unnamed Fruit go towards the back of the dungeon, stood with her legs crossed- unmoving. She wasn't going to admit in front of all her Fruit friends that she had been the one calling out her need to pee all those times. No siree, she'd pee her pants before she admitted that. So she thought, "I'll volunteer to stay here and keep watch for Drucilla. That way I won't have to uncross my legs- and I'll help the Fruits in their quest for the Passion Fruit!"

[EDITORS NOTE: There is some debate whether Wild Rose could have been the Fruit in question who shouted out that she had to pee. It has been pointed out that she was with: "…Fitz, Wheels, and ChestNuts elsewhere when 'mater ‘disappeared’. They didn't come …’galumphing’ back until after the "I GOTTA PEE!" was sounded."

A rewrite was generoulsy offered, to which the reply was, "Nope- because did anyone actually witness her being with the group she was assigned to? NO!! Because the only group we got a glimpse of was the group down in the dungeon- until there was shrieking and running. She could have been standing outside the dungeon door- afraid to move. When they came running through, no comment was made about the pace or the manner in which she was running. THUS- she is the Fruit who has a weak bladder!!" Serious charges, indeed.

Wild Rose, in her defense, had this to say: "…and while you're at it I did not have to pee!!!!! Please feel free to delete that part of the story. It was Persimmon...", and, "It was *not* me who said that line! It was Persimmon, as previously stated. I think *someone* has a fixation with the bathroom and it isn't me!"

Claiming to have an alibi, Wild Rose produced ChestNuts, with whom she was reported to have been with. "WR, you were with me, neither one of us had to pee!" she vowed. "Personally, I think it was the ‘Fruit’ imposter that had to go to the ladies room. Besides, Fitz wouldn't let us stop for a bathroom break anyway. We were planning the diversion and had our minds on rescuing The Awesome One. "

Wild Rose continued in her defense: "That's right! I think that kizmet just got Persimmon and I confused as we look quite a bit alike. Of course I would never be so uncouth as to loudly announce when I had to go to the restroom, and I would never say the P word, but then Persimmon wasn't brought up to be a lady as I was."

Persimmon was unavailable for comment, and has retained legal representation for a possible slander case.

Wild Rose made one final statement: "I think kizmet is about to have a fatal ‘accident’ in the story, so everyone might want to take a minute to grab a Kleenex before her very sad dying scene that is coming up."

The Editor can only hope that a peaceful resolution can be found, as she would hate to see any dismemberment of her fellow Fruits. We continue now with our story.]

But they were not out of danger yet, for just then Drucilla appeared.

"You Fruity Fools! How dare you try to steal my Passion from me! He is mine and mine alone! BHAHAHAHA!" With a wave of her hand she sent the Fruits into the cells. Drucilla said, "Let's see you get yourselves outta that, Fruits!" And in a (((puff))) of smoke she was gone!

Fruitfly and the unnamed Fruit heard the commotion behind them. When they returned, they found all the Fruits and all the clones in the cells.

Juju, looking through the bars of her cell, called out, "I see a button on the wall over there! It says, Push To Open Doors!!"

The unnamed Fruit went to the button and gave it a push. The doors opened and out spilled the Fruits and clones. They all started down the narrow path to the deepest part of the dungeon. Gallant Fitz went out ahead with his sword drawn.

"Fruit," said Cake, "The sword is a nice touch but wouldn't a heavy duty flashlight be more helpful here?"

"Hush, Cake," said Fruit, "No more rewrites here. We're still working on who has to pee."

"Enough with the bathroom fixation!" Persimmon cried. "I had to go. I went. End of story. Get over it."

"Ok, let's get on with rescuing Duncan!" Sherry said as she followed Fitz.

Having read the previous part of the story, kizmet knew what Wild Rose had in store for her, so she wisely decided to NOT follow the other Fruits down the narrow path to the deepest part of the dungeon. She went in the opposite direction, hoping to avoid any more spider webs AND any fatal ‘accidents’ that had been foreshadowed. [All right, foretold- but it just doesn't have the right literary ring to it.]

As the other Fruits followed Fitz, kizmet cautiously kept creeping up the wider path to the shallowest part of the Dungeon. Then she stepped into the trap that had been set for her. The noose tightened around her ankle and she was flung upside down where she bobbed, gently hanging from the ceiling.

kizmet wished that she hadn't said those untrue things about Wild Rose. She'd been kidding, of course, but she knew that Wild Rose had a bad temper and was known to get even with people who crossed her. Of course, the other Fruits didn't know that side of her. They always talked about how nice she was, but they didn't really know her, kizmet thought, as all the blood rushed to her head.

"Ah, thank heavens I have my trusty all-purpose RescuTool with me. I've learned, though participating in these adventures, to ALWAYS be prepared!" So thinking, kizmet took it out of her pocket. Opening one end, she pulled out a small package. Then, opening the other end, she extracted a small knife. From the center, she pulled a micro-cassette.

Using the knife to cut the rope around her ankle, the package then opened into a parachute that prevented her from getting injured when she fell free. The micro-cassette she stuck into the hidden public address system. Turning the volume full blast, the voice of the Purple Beast poured forth, "I love you, you love me, we're a happpppyyyyyyy fam-i-leeeeee!!"

Deeper in the Dungeon, with the rest of the Fruits…

"Fitz!" said Fruitfly in her loudest voice as she landed on Kiwi's shoulder and started whispering in her ear.

"FITZ!" shouted Kiwi.

"Eh, what?" he exclaimed, skiding to a stop and turning.

"Fitz, Duncan's not down in the deepest part of the Dungeon," Kiwi stated, planting herself firmly in the middle of the Dungeons path. "Fruitfly found him!!!"

"WAY TO GO FRUITFLY!!" yelled Cherries, with the rest of the Fruits chanting right along. "It's about time, I'm tired of running down this dark, dank, AND smelly place," huffed Boysenberry.

"Well, I could have told you guys that," muttered Plums. With that statement, everyone turned to Plums, mumbling under their breaths. "Hey, don't look at me!" said she. "Fruitfly told me earlier but everyone was busy trying out ...ah...er... trying to find THE REAL Passion Fruit, and then that business with the demon, and then we were running pell mell …there was just no time."

Kiwi sharply clapped her hands to get everyone's attention. "Ok, Fruitfly, tell 'em!"

By this time Fruitfly had caught her breath ["Whew!" she thought, "I'm gonna ride for awhile. My wings need a rest!"] "Drucilla doesn't have him in the Dungeon. Are you nuts? She wants him all sweet smelling and pliable. She's got him in her own chambers. But I warn you, it's gonna be tough getting there. She's set all kinds of traps."

Back with kizmet…

From the corner of her eye she noticed movement near the wall. She looked over expecting it to be Wild Rose and was shocked to see Kronos.

"What are you doing here?" kizmet snarled.

"Drucilla is my sister," Kronos explained.

"Really?" purred kizmet. "We have GOT to talk." So saying, she took Kronos' arm and started leading him out of the Dungeon.

"I don't think so!" Kronos said. "I hate fruit!"

He took hold of her arm and began dragging her deeper into the Dungeon where Drucilla was waiting. Luckily for kizmet, the other Fruits and Fitz were waiting around the corner. kizmet noticed that Wild Rose was with them and felt badly for thinking that WR would ever have done such a dastardly thing as to try to trap a fellow Fruit.

With a resounding clang of swords, the battle between Fitz and Kronos had begun. Fitz parried left. Fitz parried right. Fitz parried, parried through the night.

The Fruits were all huddled in an alcove because they knew better than to interfere in the business of immortals, but they were holding their collective breath and hoping against hope that Fitz would prevail. Actually, Cherries was holding tight onto the grip of her sword, just in case the unthinkable happened.

'mater was sobbing quietly and Plums was shouting encouragement to Fitz when Pommes was suddenly struck by a thought. Since it hit her in the head, she was instantly knocked unconscious, so the other Fruits would have to wait until she came to before finding out what she had realized.

Meanwhile, back in Drucilla's inner chambers, Fruitfly, who had escaped the conflagration in the Dungeons, had located Passion Fruit by following the rumble of his snores. She was hoping that he would be able to do what Our Noble Hero had always done. She was hoping that he would be able to SAVE FITZ!!

Duncan was out cold. She buzzed his mouth and was nearly overcome by the fumes from the poison he had consumed. Glancing furtively around the room, she noticed a funnel and a blue bottle labeled ‘SLEEP FOREVERMORE’ on the floor. That Drucilla must have force-fed the fetid formula to the beloved Passion Fruit! Luckily, she also noticed the conveniently labeled 'ANTIDOTE TO SLEEP FOREVERMORE' on a shelf in the corner. Mustering all her strength, she tried to lift the small brown bottle, but it was too heavy for her meager self.

She had just decided to fly back for help when all the Fruits, led by Pommes (holding an ice pack to her temple), burst through the door.

"I realized that, since they are both dead already, neither Fitz nor Kronos can actually hurt each other," the injured Fruit exclaimed. "They are merely engaged in a representation of the ultimate battle between Good and Evil."

While the Fruits were all staring lovingly at the near-naked slumbering body of The Awesome One, a secret door into the chamber opened soundlessly and through it stepped, (dramatic music swells) Richie Ryan. He had just finished filming an episode of Hercules and had come to see what was happening in the Fruitdome. [He knew that he wasn't really dead- season six never existed in the minds of many, so he was safe to wander in and out of stories and shows].

Seeing Duncan laying on the bed, he exclaimed, "Mac! What are you doing lying in that bed when there are all these Fruits here to visit you?"

"Richie? How many times do I have to kill you, boy?!" Duncan said, groggily.

This wasn't the real Duncan, it was Evil Duncan. And he was waiting to have his way with the Fruits one by one!

Evil Wild Rose pushed her way to the front of the line. "It's a dirty job but somebody's got to do it, so it may as well be me," she muttered, straightening her blouse and fluffing up her naturally curly hair.

Evil Duncan was more than ready for Evil Wild Rose. He pulled out a rather large container of chocolate body paint, looked at Evil Wild Rose, and huskily replied, "Where do we start, Luv?"

The other Fruits protested loudly. "We're here to find Duncan, our Passion Fruit, not Evil Duncan!" Newfpal exclaimed. "Let's keep looking. He has to be here somewhere."

"Yeah, you're right," Evil Wild Rose said with a smirk. "Why don't you Fruits, Fitz, and Richie go look for him and I'll be there in a few minutes." Evil Duncan gave her a look that started the chocolate body paint bubbling in the jar. "Maybe a couple of hours," she added.

"Leave her with him!" snarled Plums. "They deserve each other!"

As the rest of the Fruits, Fitz, and Richie exited the room, Plums whispered, "Rose, you better leave some for me! Because I'll be back later with my cuffs!"

Evil Wild Rose just smiled as she shut the door in Plums face.

Richie looked confused. "I thought Evil Duncan and Duncan were in the same body," he said.

"Nope. Just like Evil Wild Rose and I are two different people so are Evil Duncan and our Passion Fruit," Wild Rose explained. "Although sometimes it would be nice if we *were* the same person," she said as she looked longingly at the cell where Evil Duncan and Evil Wild Rose were.

"Ooooh, is that the way she's gonna play!" a stunned Plums said. She swiped Fitz's sword, grabbed young Ryan, and pulled him along by the wrist.

"You don't need a sword", Richie said with a smile. "I'll come along willingly."

Plums looked at Richie thoughtfully for a minute. "How old are you, anyway?" she asked.

"Old enough," he said with a smirk.

"That's good! Show me what you've got!" Plums challenged, and put up her sword. "En garde! If we're going to save the real Duncan, you'll have to do better than your last four executions, Richie!" snapped Plums.

Richie shook his head in exasperation. "I have other weapons I'd rather try, that I didn't get nearly enough use of on the Series!"

Just then Fitz intervened. "What in GAWD'S name is going on with you two?! Are we or are we not on a Quest for Duncan?"

Plums and Richie looked at each other. Richie said, "We'll finish *this* later."

"Bet on it!" Plums retorted.

"Come on now, Fruits," pleaded Fitz. "Certainly you've encountered red herrings before."

The Fruits all nodded wisely and looked at Fitz.

"Fruit," asked Cake, "is a red herring a fruit?"

"I don't think so, Cake, but red is good."

Fitz continued, "If Drucilla put Evil Duncan in her chambers, it was to throw us off the scent."

"Well," said Plums, "it certainly smelled right to Evil Wild Rose."

"That may be," said Pommes, "but Fitz is right. We've been thrown off track. Where could our Duncan be?"

"I know! I know! Lets give the dogs a chance to find him!" Newfpal exclaimed. "We need something with his scent on it."

Immediately, Newfpal couldn't see past her nose because of all the Duncan scented items that were shoved in her face. She smiled graciously, collecting THE shirt from Din0, (since it was the last thing The Awesome One had been wearing before he disappeared.

The dogs sniffed THE shirt and tried to find the scent, but as The Awesome One hadn’t been in that part of the Dungeon, they couldn’t track him.

"Great. Now what?" Din0 asked, taking THE shirt back and placing it in her bag.

"He's there, they're there, we're here, nobody's anywhere!" Richie said with disgust.

"What?" asked Mel.

"Nothing."

"Which way to Drucilla's chambers?" Q-Cumber asked Fruitfly, who seemed to know her way around the place fairly well.

"This way," she said as she flew up the stairs. Fitz, Richie, and all the Fruits started after her.

"Whatever happened to Kronos?" asked Lady Charlene.

Fitz smiled and said, "He decided that he never really cared for his sister that much after all."

The Fruits thanked him and were so happy to have him and Richie with them for support.

They climbed up the stairs, higher and higher, trying not to notice the huge spiders on the walls and the bats that swooped by periodically until a rather large amount of bat guano landed right smack dab in the middle of kizmet's head. Wild Rose took one look and began laughing hysterically.

"I told you. *pant pant* I told you there was going to be a little ‘accident’! Hahahahahahaha!!!!!"

The other Fruits covered their mouths to keep from giggling. kizmet began to gag as Richie wiped the guano from her hair.

"Hey...cheer up. This stuff sells like gold in the make-up industry. Why, I bet they could make a whole batch of mascara out of just what's in your hair!" Richie stated.

"Thanks. Thanks a lot," kizmet said sarcastically.

When they reached the top of the stairs, Fruitfly was waiting for them. "What took you so long?" she asked.

"Uh, never mind. We're here now," Richie said, wiping his hands on his shirttail.

"Drucilla's chamber's are through that door" said Fruitfly, pointing to a large pink door at the end of the hallway. The fruits crept down the hall silently.

As they approached the pink door, a terrific WOOF, WOOF WOOF broke the silence. Newfpal looked excitedly at the dogs, and exclaimed, "Nana and the Rotties, they must have picked up the scent! Look out everyone, here comes drool!"

The dogs barking alerted Drucilla to the Fruits presence, and she barricaded the door to her chamber. "You'll never get him!", she screeched.

Newfpal gathered the dogs and told them that she wanted them to find another way into the chamber. Off they went.

While waiting, kizmet put the bat guano remains to good use. Digging a pair of latex gloves from her pocket, she put them on and finished wiping the stuff from her hair. At Richie's look of dismay, she smirked and said, "No one asked whether I had gloves. I'm always prepared."

Using the bat guano, kizmet fashioned it into a screw driver, (it dries quickly), and unscrewed the hinges from the door, so that it could be taken down.

When the door was removed, they noticed that Drucilla had pushed a bookcase in front it.

"What else do you have in that bag, kizmet?" asked Mac4me.

"Hmmm, I have a penlight, 2 safety pins, a cravat, a pair of trauma shears, (with oxygen bottle opener), some KY jelly, a pen, a bottle of water, hand lotion, a stethoscope, a blood pressure cuff, a pair of cuf…OH! a fireman's all-purpose tool that I ‘borrowed’ from one of the firemen. [EDITORS NOTE: They HATE being called ‘firemen’!!] It has a screwdriver, a mini wedge/pry bar, a spreader, a ring cutter, a collapsible cup, and some other things I don't recognize. Think we can use any of these?"

"Well, we could take the pry bar and try to move the bookcase," suggested Juity Fruity.

But before kizmet could try it, she heard Newfpal call out, "The dogs found another entrance!"

The Fruits took off after the dogs, and sure enough there was another entrance to Drucilla's chambers. They broke the door down using tools in kizmet's bag and grabbed Drucilla. Plums took her cuffs out and slapped them on her. The rest of the Fruits searched the room looking for Duncan.

"I have never been so happy to see ANYONE as I am to see you guys!" a voice said.

The Fruits looked around to see where it was coming from.

"Here! I'm up here!" said the voice.

The Fruits looked up and were shocked to see their one and only true Passion Fruit hanging precariously from the chandelier!

"How ever did you come to be up there, laddie?" Fitz asked.

"You'd have climbed the walls too if *SHE'D* been trying to corner you for a little smooch," he said, pointing to the none to happy Drucilla.

"Well, come down!" Plums shouted. "She's not gonna get you now!"

Duncan climbed down carefully while the Fruits looked on in fear.

"Be CAREFUL!" shouted Kiwi.

Duncan nodded, and finally landed safely on the floor.

"Well, what do we do with HER?" Richie asked, nodding towards the wicked PPB.

"I say we..." Duncan started, but before he could finish his sentence, he tripped over kizmet's bag, causing quite a ruckus, as kizmet had everything but the kitchen sink in there. Happily for Duncan, she also had some band aids, 'cause he skinned his knee when he fell. AND it caused the KY Jelly to fall out.

"Looks like you Fruits are prepared for *anything* ," he said with a smile. The Fruits blushed madly.

"There, there," kizmet cooed. "I'll have you right as rain in no time."

The other Fruits looked enviously at her.

"Let me kiss it and make it all better," said Wild Rose, shoving kizmet out of the way and gently taking hold of Duncan's thigh.

"Well," laughed Fitz, "No time for that!! We'd be here until a year from next Sunday if ALL the Fruits wanted to nurse you!!"

Duncan laughed. "Right you are, old man!!" Jumping to his feet, he added, "What now?"

"Does anyone remember the way out?" asked Richie.

The Fruits looked at one another. There had been so many twists and turns in the dark corridors, they had quite lost their way!!

"Not to worry," said Duncan. "The dogs can find the way!!"

Newfpal turned to her best buddy. "Ok Nana girl, time for supper! Find our way home you big chow hound you!" Before the drool could hit the floor Nana (the Newf ya know) and the Rotties were at a full run down the hall. "Come on Fruits and, yeah, you handsome men too. Chocolate and goodies await everyone,... if we can just keep up with Nana!"

Just as Nana led the Fruits and their guys down the corridor and past the bathroom, the door opened. Rassberry stepped out and ran into Carmen, kizmet and a few of the other Fruits. Like the dominoe effect, the Fruits, Duncan, Fitz and Nana fell to the floor. kizmet was lucky enough to break Duncan's fall. After they all got back on their feet, they watched the struggle as Duncan also tried to get up, but was unable to break kiz's hold.

Still standing there, Rassberry stated that she had been searching for a bathroom *FOREVER* and asked whether she had missed anything.

Just as the fruits were about to head for home a voice called out from afar, 'What about me? Your weren't going to just traipse off and leave me here, were you? That wouldn't be quite fair, now, would it?"

"You old codger you," cried out Fitz. "Just what have you gone and gotten yourself into this time?"

Flashlights scanned the cavernous dungeons as all searched for the owner of that velvet voice. Just as they were about to give up and head for home, Plums rounded a corner and beheld a sight to behold.

There in a lushly appointed room sat Kronos. Before him was a chess board and it was immediately apparent to her that White's Queen was in trouble. "Who's black?" she asked the devilishly handsome villain.

"But of course, my sweet, I am," cooed Kronos.

"And who are you playing against?" inquired Plums.

"Me," replied the figure sprawling on the red velvet divan hidden deep in the shadows of a brocade curtain. "And the stakes are quite high. If I win, everyone lives happily ever after. If it's a victory for Kronos, well, let's just say events will go in quite another direction. Do you have anyone in your group who might be able to help me out?"

Plums studied the board thoughtfully and then from behind came 'mater who grabbed the table and shook it violently. "EARTHQUAKE!!" she yelled loudly. The pieces scattered and fell everywhere. With a sly smile, she continued, "That's what I used to do at home all the time when I was younger and losing!! Can't finish now!! Guess you'll all have to come with us!!"

Slowly the figure emerged from behind the curtain. As if in a reverse striptease, the feet appeared, then the long, lean, jeans clad legs unfolded and stood, then the thights and lean hips appeared, followed by an abdomen and chest. Stopping before his face was revealed, the figure asked Kronos whether he would accept the results of the game. Kronos was cautioned to ponder his answer carefully as there were at least 4 people in the crowd with sharp objects. (We'd say at least 5, but Evil Duncan and Evil Wild Rose were still occupied in the bedroom.)