This is a true story of a really "cautious" D&D group I DM for. The names of the characters have been changed to protect their identities.
(7:00 PM)
DM: You have just entered the "Silver Tower." The room you are in is empty. At the North end of the room is a large metal door. At the West end is a small metal door. What do you wish to do?
Leikasha (female/shifter/barbarian): I use my scent ability... Do I smell anything?
DM: You do not smell anything recent in the room.
Leikasha: So I do smell something, though?
DM: Well, yes... as I already mentioned, this is the entrance to the silver tower. Any creatures residing in the tower would enter and exit through here. Hence, logically, you do smell something...
Leikasha: Do I sense that what I smell is in the room with us?
DM: Huh? No! I just told you that you think you are alone!
Raynor (Male/human/rogue): Can you smell incorporeal creatures?
DM: No she can't.
Leikasha: Wait! Are you sure I can't? ***Reaches for DM's guide***
(7:30 PM)
DM: You see, I told you she couldn't smell incorporeal creatures. Now where were we? Ah yes, you are in a room, quite alone, I assure you, and... One, (pronounced "onay") get off the phone!
One (transgender/warforged/fighter): Huh? Oh! ***Hangs up the phone.***
DM: All right, damnit, there are two doors! Do you go North or West?
One: Wait, when did you say there were two doors? I thought there was only one door?
DM: ***sigh***
Claudius (Metrosexual/human/cleric): PELOR WISHES US TO GO NORTH AND SMIIIIIIITE HIS ENEMIES!
DM: Ack! My ears!
Raynor: Oh, and you were speaking with Pelor just then, were you?
Claudius: Make another joke... I dare you...
Raynor: ***Picking up imaginary telephone*** Hello, astral deva? Yes, is Pelor home? Oh, when he gets back, ask him if he wants us to go North or West, ok? Tell him Sir Claudius Abel, the mighty slayer of his evil foes, humble servant to the shining morning lord called.
Claudius: That's it: no healing for a week.
Raynor: What? Man, why are you always picking on me? That's it! From now on, I'm going to kill any worshippers of Pelor I see!
Claudius: ***Waving a scroll around*** I've got a Mark of Justice (TM and R, the Pelorian Foundation) right here with your name on it!
DM: Guys? Could we figure out which door now, please?
Claudius: PELOR WISHES US TO GO NORTH AND SMIIIIIIITE HIS ENEMIES!
DM: Argh! Must you always yell that?
Raynor: ***Sulking in the corner*** Fine, North.
Leikasha: Agreed, North!
***Long pause***
DM: ***Looking at One*** One... is North ok with you too?
One: ***Hanging up cell phone*** Huh? Oh, North, right!
DM: Ok, so you head towards the door and
Raynor: I CHECK FOR TRAPS!!!
DM: Right. No need to yell, we're all in the same room... Now, roll your search check.
Raynor: Yesssss!!! I got a total of ***thinking*** 82!
DM: ***Blinking incredulously*** 82? How do you figure?
Raynor: Well, I have... umm... let's see... oh, right... 28... ok, I got a 28... so what's the big deal, everyone knows that I'm dislexic... it's not like I was cheating or anything!
DM: You are not dislexic! Oh, forget it. Ok, you don't think that there's a trap on the door. You also notice that it is unlocked. What do you do?
Leikasha: Wait, it's unlocked? Man, you must think we're dumb!
DM: What do you mean?
Leikasha: Come on! An unlocked door in a dungeon? It is so cleeeaaaarly trapped it's not even funny. It's obvious that Raynor failed his search check.
Raynor: I SEARCH AGAIN!!
DM: Argh! I'm going to start giving negative xp for the screaming, guys... All right Raynor... if you must, roll another search check...
Raynor: I get a 32. WAIT!!! I USE AN ACTION POINT!!! Ok, now I took the feat which allows me to use d8s instead of d6s for action points, and I want to use my masterwork longpick thieve's tools, giving me an added +2 to my check
(8:00 PM)
oooooh and Leikasha, you help so I get another +2... and then...
(8:15 PM)
Claudius can you cast a spell on me to improve my dexterity, also, I'm chewing my valerian root tablets... that should get me at least another +1 or something right...?
(8:30)
For a grand total of... let me see... 65! Is there a trap?
DM: Still no trap...
Leikasha: Man, that's screwed up! You put us against a DC 70 trap???
DM: Well, there might just be no
Leikasha: You're not going to get us that easily!
Claudius: PELOR WISHES US TO GO NORTH AND SMIIIIIIITE HIS ENEMIES!
Leikasha: Ummm, sure Claudius... Ok, here's what we do: let's all pull our rope out and bind them together. Then, we'll tie one end of the rope to the door handle, move 200 feet away, and open the door, harmlessly triggering the traps!
DM: The room is only 20 x 20.
Leikasha: But at least give us a chance, bro! So there's no way to bypass your DC 70 trap?
Claudius: PELOR WISHES US TO GO NORTH AND SMIIIIIIITE HIS ENEMIES!
DM: Guys, I'm feeling a little stressed out here... ok, fine, look, you've got the damned rope tied to the doornob, ok? You pull the door open and
Raynor: WAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!! WHAT IF IT'S A WATER TRAP????
Leikasha: Damn! So that's your plan! I should've thought of that! You're going to try and drown us all, like you did the last time. Man, that's just wrong! Ok, One, hold the door we just came in through. When the room floods, the water will just flow right out!
One: ***Pulling the phone away from her ear*** Huh? Oh, ok, I'll go see who's at the door, but I didn't hear anyone knock.
DM: No, she meant... argh, never mind. Ok, let's just pretend One is holding the door. Now will you open the friggin' door?
Claudius: PELOR WISHES US TO GO NORTH AND SMIIIIIIITE HIS ENEMIES!
Raynor: WAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!! WHAT IF IT'S A FIREBALL TRAP????
Leikasha: Of course! In a 20 x 20 room - exactly the dimensions of a fireball. Man, that's just wrong!
One: ***Coming back from checking the front door*** See there was no one at the door.
DM: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, WILL YOU WALK THROUGH THE FRIGGIN' DOOR ALREADY????
One: No need to yell, dude, I thought you meant you wanted me to check the door! All right, I walk through the stupid door! What do I see?
All: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
DM: Too late! One walks through the door... WHICH DOESN'T HAVE A FRIGGIN' TRAP... and enters a room with a lone goblin in it.
Raynor: A goblin??? But we're level 20 adventurers! That doesn't make sense!
Leikasha: It must be some, like, level 80 sorcerer/psion goblin or something!
Claudius: ***In an awed voice*** The UberGoblin!
Raynor: ***Bowing at the goblin's feet*** Please don't kill me! I surrender!
DM: Oh no... ***sigh***
