I was going through my old D&D papers, when, lo and behold, I discovered the group's old report cards from D&D Elementary School. Seeing the grades and comments their teachers gave the PCs was very revealing. One can easily see the "roots," if you will, of the current behavior we see in the group.
Combat Techniques.......................................B+
Teacher Comments:
Oné has been progressing passably in this area of its studies. However, it does not display enough aggressiveness to become a successful melee fighter. It approaches combat in a disinterested fashion, almost as if it were unconcerned for the outcome. While it does have some innate fighting talent, it does not grasp the fundemental concepts of the Art of War, such as "A natural 1 is always a miss." Overall, we discourage it from pursuing this field of work.
Arcane Arts...................................................D
Teacher Comments:
Oné shows no ability in the manipulation of the mystical energies. The grade of "D" reflects its continuing efforts.
Healing and the Divine Arts..............................F
Teacher Comments:
Oné has not managed to master a single skill in this class. It requires constant teacher redirection to keep it focused on the task at hand. Oné needs to realize that class time is not synonymous with "phone time."
Stealth, acrobatics, and other Skullduggery......C-
Teacher Comments:
Due to its unwieldy size, Oné is unfit for scouting or stealth missions. However, it manages some basic tumbling proficiency.
Social Skills.....................................................C
Teacher Comments:
Oné is, compared to its classmates, underdeveloped socially. It does not participate in after-school activities, never tries to answer questions posed in class, and does not have many close friends in class. It is very quiet and shy.
Overall Comments:
We recommend that Oné be encouraged to take up an NPC class, such as commoner(farmer.) Learning a craft early on is important when one does not have the proficiencies required to become an adventurer.
Name: Claudius Abel
Grade: Kindergarten
Race: Human
Gender: Manly (overcompensating)
Combat Techniques.......................................A+
Teacher Comments:
Claudius is one of the finest fighters in the class. We are confident he will make an excellent barbarian one day. He displays an absolute lack of concern for human life which is the proud hallmark of the class. Keep up the good work! May Erythnull guide your sword arm!
Arcane Arts...................................................D+
Teacher Comments:
Claudius has an only rudimentary grasp of the art of spellcasting. This is not necessarily cause for concern, as he is so clearly destined to become a melee fighter.
Healing and the Divine Arts..............................F
Teacher Comments:
As noted above, Claudius is not concerned with such liberal, bleeding-heart nonsense as "caring for his fellow man." Once again, this should not unduly worry his parents, since he shows such promise as a raging barbarian. Charge on, Claudius! Trample your enemies underfoot, and show no mercy to the weak!
Stealth, acrobatics, and other Skullduggery......F
Teacher Comments:
At the risk of sounding repetitive, I will point out that such a natural born killing machine such as Claudius has no need for hiding in shadows or moving silently. Charge the enemy, screaming like the furies of hell!
Social Skills.....................................................F
Teacher Comments:
Claudius has a tendency to fly into blood curdling frenzies, oblitirating friend and foe alike in his mighty rage. We have striven to cultivate this tendency in him as much as possible, giving Claudius the nurturing environment he needs in order to better learn how to "cull the weak."
Overall Comments:
Claudius will make a great leader of a barbarian horde one day. He might possibly become a Ravager, one of the few, proud, true followers of Erythnull. We are proud of his achievements. Remember, mercy is for the weak, my boy!
Combat Techniques.......................................A+
Teacher Comments:
Leikasha is a credit to dogs everywhere! One day, she will make a fine riding dog for a lucky halfling. She can be mounted into combat without ever becoming frightened. She must, however, remember to restrict the biting and scratching to combat training class time alone. We have received many complaints of children contracting rabies, lycanthropy, and failing their will saves against her frightful presence. Remember, no growling at your classmates!
Arcane Arts...................................................F
Teacher Comments:
Leikasha has mentioned to us that she distrusts magic in any form. This is not a good way to ingratiate yourself to your Arcane Arts teacher. Enjoy your "F." Better luck next time.
Healing and the Divine Arts..............................B
Teacher Comments:
Leikasha is a very studious doggy, and has a good mastery of casting divine spells. We here at the Healing and Divine Arts are quite proud of her, and think that she will make a great animal companion for a ranger or druid. Good doggy! Keep up the good work!
Stealth, acrobatics, and other Skullduggery......C-
Teacher Comments:
Leikasha has improved a lot this semester. However, she needs to remember that just because she takes up twice as many squares as her classmates, this does not exempt her from remaining silent during stealth missions. We have at times found the need to assign her 100 ligns to write on the board, such as: "I will not bark during stealth missions," and "I will only scratch my fleas after all enemies are dead."
Social Skills.....................................................D+
Teacher Comments:
Leikasha is such a cute, cuddly puppy. However, she needs to remember to keep her claws and fangs to herself. School time is not lunch time! No biting the children! BAD PUPPY!!! BAD, BAD PUPPY!!!!!
Overall Comments:
Overall, Leikasha is progressing at a steady pace. However, as mentioned before, the biting and slaying of her peers has become a worrisome trend for which she has been referred to the DM's office many times.
Name: Fe
Grade: Kindergarten
Race: Xeph
Gender: Male(ish)
Combat Techniques.......................................B-
Teacher Comments:
"Fight me like a man" is a common complaint that one hears when Fe is engaged in combat. The "hit and run" technique that Fe has been employing may have worked for him thus far, yet he should remember that in real life battles, one must be present to win. Furthermore, the cowardly technique of hitting schoolmates from another plane of existence is a dastardly one, and not befitting of an honorable fighter.
Arcane Arts...................................................C
Teacher Comments:
It is quite frustrating to work with Fe in this class, for while his classmates are struggling to manipulate the magical energies surrounding them, Fe instead employees the aid of "trinkets" to achieve the same results. Also he shines using this technique, it is a bit dishonest and unfair to more talented budding mages.
Healing and the Divine Arts..............................C
Teacher Comments:
After consulting with Fe's Arcane Arts teacher, we have come to the same conclusion: Fe's use of magical devices instead of magical energies is quite frustrating to the other students in his class. He will never progress in the Divine Arts through deception.
Stealth, acrobatics, and other Skullduggery......A+
Teacher Comments:
To our happy surprise, Fe has surpassed even us in the arts of stealth. It is not infrequent for us to look for him even after class is over. However, Fe must remember that it is against school policy to simply walk out of class while invisible and ethereal. Also, Fe has the bad habit of stepping through walls to leave the classroom, instead of using the door like a good PC.
Social Skills.....................................................C
Teacher Comments:
Fe seems withdrawn, which is perhaps due to his excessive time on the ethereal plane. It is difficult for other students to hold a conversation with someone who is constantly fading out of existence.
Overall Comments:
There is a worrisome development that should be mentioned here. Fe has expressed interest in becoming a "Psion Slayer." He has even begun picking off fellow psionic students. We have heard many complaints that he does not fight fair, and does not allow them to cast on the defensive. He should remember that if he wants others to respect the fact that he can go ethereal, he needs to respect the fact that they can manifest powers.
Name: Muquali
Grade: Kindergarten
Race: Human (?)
Gender: Strong silent type
Combat Techniques.......................................A+
Teacher Comments:
***MUQUALI IS... THE BEST... STUDENT... I HAVE... EVER HAD...***
Arcane Arts...................................................A+
Teacher Comments:
***MUQUALI IS... THE BEST... STUDENT... I HAVE... EVER HAD...***
Healing and the Divine Arts..............................A+
Teacher Comments:
***MUQUALI IS... THE BEST... STUDENT... I HAVE... EVER HAD...***
Stealth, acrobatics, and other Skullduggery......A+
Teacher Comments:
***MUQUALI IS... THE BEST... STUDENT... I HAVE... EVER HAD...***
Social Skills.....................................................A+
Teacher Comments:
***MUQUALI IS... THE BEST... STUDENT... I HAVE... EVER HAD...***
Overall Comments:
We have recieved numerous complaints from students as well as staff members alleging that Muquali has somehow been exerting mind control over them. Thus far, there has been no evidence that this is the case. However, should evidence be found, the conseq... ***MUQUALI IS... THE BEST... STUDENT... I HAVE... EVER HAD...***
Name: Raynor
Grade: Kindergarten
Race: Human
Gender: Metrosexual
Combat Techniques.......................................B
Teacher Comments:
Raynor seems to think that he can become a great fighter without working out. He is convinced that using weapons that require finesse and striking vital areas will carry him through all his battles. We wish to point out the sad fact that until someone invents a magical item that allows Raynor to get his sneak attack with every hit, muscles will always determine the winner in a fight.
Arcane Arts...................................................C
Teacher Comments:
When Raynor is not trying to steal Fe's trinkets, he is bribing the more proficient students such as Muquali (***WHO IS... THE BEST... STUDENT... I HAVE... EVER HAD...***) to give him assistance. He will soon learn that cheaters never prosper.
Healing and the Divine Arts..............................F
Teacher Comments:
Raynor is the most blasphemous student in our school. He makes a routine habit of picking on the students who worship Pelor and St. Cuthbert. This is probably due to the fact that his parents are shameful worshipers of Lastai, the whore goddess of sex. As we like to say, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
Stealth, acrobatics, and other Skullduggery......A+
Teacher Comments:
What can be said, other than excellent work? The other day, we found that our purse was missing. It was found, empty of course, in Raynor's locker. It brought a tear to our eyes. Good work, my boy. You make an old rogue proud!
Social Skills.....................................................C+
Teacher Comments:
Raynor must improve in two areas:
1)If he pick-pockets his classmates, they will not like him (even if he chooses to call it "slight-of-hand.")
2)Girls are not toys. They are people too. If he harasses them, he will never get a date.
Overall Comments:
Raynor would be benefitted best by losing the fake accent. He should also stop calling himself "Captain," unless he plans on taking levels of the Dread Pirate prestige class.
