You are a lousy cook if....

Your family automatically heads for
the table every time they
hear a fire siren
Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating
your homemade yogurt.
Your kids know what "peas porridge
in a pot nine days old"
tastes like.
Your son goes outside to make mud pies,
the rest of the family
grabs forks and follows him.
Your kids favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice
a week for your toy
poodle .
Your kids got even with the neighborhood
bully by inviting him over for dinner.
Your kids got suspended from school for
trying to smuggle toxic waste in their lunch
bags.
Your husband refers to the smoke detector as
the oven timer.
No matter what you do to it the gravy still
turns bright purple.
You burned the house down trying to make jelly.

Cooking brownies with kids

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat
oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Billy
"no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Billy and
clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Billy again and
bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained
whileremoving shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups
sifted flour.
take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open
all doors andwindows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure
party on the line thecall was a mistake. Call
operator and attempt to have direct
dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all
ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.
Explain to kids thatyou have no idea if
shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside
while there's still time and he's still able to run
away.FrostingMix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$%
broiler and throw itaway -- far away.Answer
the door and meekly explain to nice policeman
that youdidn't know Billy had slipped out of the
house and was headingfor the street. Put Billy
in playpen.Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and
boil, stirring constantlyfor 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for
Billy having stuck agarden hose in man's front
door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.

How to preserve children
1 large grassy field
1 bushel fresh wildflowers
1/2 dozen children
3 or 4 small dogs
a pinch of brook
some small pebbles
Mix the children and dogs well together
and put them in the field, stirring constantly.
Pour the brook over the pebbles, sprinkle the
field with flowers; spread all over a deep blue
sky and bake in a hot sun. When thoroughly
browned, remove and set to cool in a bathtub.

How to Preserve a Husband
Be careful in your selection. Do not choose
too young. When selected, give your entire
thoughts to preparation for domestic use. Some
wives insist upon keeping them in a pickle,
others are constantly getting them into hot water.
This may make them sour, hard, and sometimes
bitter. Even poor varieties may be made sweet,
warm, and tender and with kisses, wrap them in a
mantle of charity. Keep warm with a steady fire of
domestic devotion and serve with peaches and cream.
Thus prepared they will keep for years.