The British Rail Freshly Made Ham Sandwich

When you're travelling in the evening
And you get that famished feeling
And you know that there's a buffet on this train
Heed my proclamation
Stay put until your station
Read your paper and ignore those hunger pains
Yes, I know you missed your dinner
And you don't want to get thinner
And your stomach is a-rumbling like thunder
And it isn't very far
To reach that buffet car
But to go would be a monumental blunder
For no one sane would dare
To walk into the lair
Of the British Rail Freshly Made Ham Sandwich

here in the buffet section
There seems to be a fine selection
And the hollow in your stomach seems colossal
But take those rock cakes in glass cases
You better have them carbon-dated
Break one open and you may well find a fossil
And that packaged pastry
That looks to be quite tasty
"Grandma Heppelthwaite's Old Fashioned Cherry Slice"
Don't get it - you'll regret it
The name is quite authentic
They haven't made that brand since 1925
But in the corner where it's dimmer
Lurks a comestible much grimmer
It's the British Rail Freshly Made Ham Sandwich

The rows of candy snacks
Look pretty in their racks
But chocolate isn't normally that blue
And I really have a hunch
That crisps are meant to crunch
And not require that you chew... and chew... and chew
Maybe just a biscuit?
Well, I wouldn't want to risk it
Those cookies look as though someone's been nibbling
I guess that just for fun
You could have a currant bun
But is that icing - or has the chef been dribbling?
Although it may seem incredible
One thing's more indigestible
The British Rail Freshly Made Ham Sandwich

Perhaps you might well think
That there's no harm in a drink
And the tariff says the tea is freshly brewed
Well the menu was quite true
In 1952
When it was printed - now the tea has got quite stewed
Yes, they do have orange juice
But the definition is quite loose
The stuff they sell did not come from a fruit
But to be quite fair I ought to
Say the beer is not like water
Even water couldn't taste quite that dilute
But of all these buffet offerings
None can cause the suffering
Of the British Rail Freshly Made Ham Sandwich

Baked flour, water, yeast
And a slice of porcine meat
Neatly triangled by a sharp, bisecting knife
But I have heard it said
That the ham is not quite dead
And is squirming with vile, microscopic life
And the bread that once was white
Is now yellow to the sight
The crust brittle like bones long since interred
And as it lies upon the plate
And plans someone's grisly fate
An evil grin forms as the corners slowly curl
So don't give into temptation
There are things worse than starvation
You might well miss your destination
Trapped in the toilet past your station
So without hesitation
I say avoid a confrontation
With the British Rail Freshly Made Ham Sandwich