LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES!
Are you harboring a fugitive? -(Hu yu Hai Ding?)
See me A.S.A.P. -(Kum hia Nao)
Stupid Man! -(Dum Gai!)
Small Horse -(Tai ni po ni)
Did you go the beach? -(Wa yu so tan?)
I bumped into a coffee table -(Ai bang mai ni)
I think you need a face lift -(Chin tu fat)
It's very dark in here -(Wai so dim?)
Has your flight been delayed? -(Hao long wei ting?)
I thought you were on a diet -(Wai yu mun ching)
Teach me the lyrics to the Macarena -(Wai yu sing dum song?)
This is a tow away zone -(No pah king)
You are not very bright -(You so dum)
I got this for free -(Ai no pai)
I am not guilty -(Wai hang mi?)
Stay longer -(Wai go nao?)
Our meeting was scheduled for next week -(Wai yu kum nao?)
Stay out of sight -(Lei lo)
They have arrived -(hia dei kum)
He's cleaning his car -(Wa shin ka)
Your body odour is offensive -(Yu stin ki pu)
Okay now THIS is classic. The other night, Melly was writing an email to Professor Gu, our macroeconomics professor. Chris Lee goes ahead and types "hope you get diarrhea" in the subject line, and totally forgetting to delete it after finishing her email, Melly sends it!
Dear Professor Gu,
Sorry that I missed the ECO 202 lecture on Tuesday, and I didn't get to
pick up my test paper. May I pick it up sometime this week at your office?
And could you tell me where your office is please. Thanks for your help!
Yours sincerely,
Melody Sin
----- End forwarded message -----
AND, here's the best part - he wrote back: "RE: hope you get diarrhea"!!!!! Ahhh, yes. the days of residence.
Not to hold up the jokes about Bush and all, here's today's 'gem'. I was sorting through some old emails and I found this forward from my sis who'd sent it a couple months ago.
I am Saddam.
Saddam I am.
I am the ruler of Iraq,
The country that you would attack.
You are Bush.
Bush you are.
The fame of you has spread afar.
You do not like me, Bush, I know.
You would not like me in a show.
You would not like me in the snow.
You simply wish that I would go.
You say I used to slaughter Kurds.
You say that I use naughty words.
You say I have an evil stash
Of weapons of destruction (mass),
Of bombs and missiles, germs and gas.
You say I tried to kill your Pop.
Oh, how I wish that you would stop!
I promise you I have no stash
Of weapons of destruction (mass).
I do not have them near or far.
I did not hide them in my car.
I did not hide them in a bar.
I did not hide them in a hole.
I did not hide them up a pole.
I did not hide them in a grave.
I did not hide them in a cave.
I did not hide them in a dish.
I did not hide them in a knish.
I did not hide them in my coat.
I did not hide them in a goat.
I did not hide them in a trunk.
I did not hide them in my bunk.
I did not hide them anywhere.
In short, they simply are not there.
The inspectors came and looked,
And looked, and looked, and looked, and looked.
They looked high and they looked low,
Every place that they could go.
They looked in every hole and crack,
Each drawer and closet, bag and sack.
They found nothing in a trunk-or
Even in my private bunker.
They did not find a single stash
Of weapons of destruction (mass) ...
And STILL you won't get off my a**!
I've done all that I can do.
The rest, dear Bush, is up to you.
Please don't be angry, don't be sore.
We don't need to have a war.
Let's go back to the good old days
When your dad and Reagan sang my praise.
I was your faithful ally then.
Why can't we be friends again?
I say, let's let this whole thing drop.
(My best regards to your dear Pop.)
Believe me, my dears, I'm not against Americans in any way. I have lots of friends over in the States, but the Canadian jokes are just too good.
Courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes CBC Television:
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the
United States of America. We haven't been getting
along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't
nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the
fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of
America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees
than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber
that's cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our
excuse would be that our team was much, much, much,
much better than yours.
I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I
notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer
but, we feel your pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up
against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends
by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys
pitched in against Hitler, but that was different.
Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly
apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way
which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're
not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries
you get upset with.
Thank you.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:
The first worm -- dead
Second worm -- dead
Third worm -- dead
Fourth worm -- alive
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms
"SMOKING KILLS, AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT PART
OF YOUR LIFE." - Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields
"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP." - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER, THEY'RE HERE TO
PRESERVE DISORDER" - Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968
convention
"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL" - Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS" - Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO" - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA, IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE" - Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET" - Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS" - Andrew Mathis
"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK" - Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE" - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT
THEY TAKE THEM OFF." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company
charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES." - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE
THE PRESIDENT." - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents
"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS."
- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE" - Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A
JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT." - A congressional candidate in Texas
"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE." - Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE, SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO
REAL MONEY." - Everett Dirksen
"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES." - John Wayne
"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL." - Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES
IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT." - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP,THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND."
- General William Westmoreland
"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING
VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS." - Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle, at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to
quote the line "a mind is terrible thing to waste"
"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE
CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET." - Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX." - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle