Aii, so not going to Montreal this weekend. Apparently the parentals think that my friends there might shun me because of SARS. Right. I'm so sick of fighting, seriously, this hypochondriasis is getting out of hand. Oh well, I'm over it. I'm too tired to fight. Mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. Ever feel like you need a break? That even though you love the people around you, you just need to get away to somewhere that holds no reminders or memories - where you can be someone completely different, just for a few days? Your friends - there are people that you adore hanging out with but you need to just get away from everything, even from that happiness if that makes any sense. You can be the happiest person in the world and still need an escape. I didn't realize how much I needed to get away from Toronto and my life here until I wasn't allowed to. Oh well, shit happens. I should just build a fort around my room, turn off my phone and shut myself in for a few days with nothing but candles, music, books and a parachute, in case the material I built my fort with happens to be flammable. Joy's right - you never know when you'll need a parachute.
It's weird - as much as I go on about how I hate having to move and relocate and how it's a hassle... I've almost gotten used to having that change in my life. I had a friend once who had moved 9 times in 13 years - after awhile you start to miss it. You get bored with whatever is going on around you, even if it's the stability that you always craved. You can never taste something just once and then let go. Being able to change identities whenever I move will always be a part of my life.. How odd to think that I made one big circle, from Toronto, to Melbourne, to Hong Kong and back to Toronto. Where do I go from here?
My manager at Pottery Barn is leaving. :( :( :( Steven is the one who interviewed me and then hired me - I love this guy, he's so fun to work with and he puts up with my silly dancing to the PB cds. Will be missed for sure, but he's going on to better things. It's so odd that things change... the new manager Sharon is super nice and lots of laughs, but it'll be weird not seeing Steven around to save my ass when I screw up.
Went shopping today. Got a hot pair of jeans at urban outfitters *sigh* and four shirts at banana republic - classy in black and white. haha.. ahhh. so tired. had to do laundry and the stupid machine broke on me.. well, not really ON me.. but grr. going running tomorrow morning, what was I thinking?? 9am.. aiii, but it'll be good for me and hopefully for my ankle! Funnest thing to do of the week - ask Selina if she wants to go running the next morning. Ahh, that one's gonna come back and kick me in the ass, isn't it?
12:46am. I was thinking about what Marianne wrote about how she hates backstabbers who won't say anything to her face and bitch about her behind her back and I totally agree. Now here's the thing - do we really want to know what people are saying about us and should we really care? Of course, it matters what the people that you care about think about you but beyond that... does it really matter? If it's someone that we dislike who says something horrible about us, do we step back and look at ourselves and think about why they might be saying that? Nah, probably not. Instead, we backlash and think and talk about the other person - and will attempt to discredit what they are saying because if what they are saying is correct, then our world crumbles. Come on, everyone (including myself) thinks that they're pretty amazing individuals... and we are. But has that gotten in the way of personal betterment? And are we the people that we create in our minds, or the image in which others see us? There was this girl in my high school that I really disliked because she would bitch about someone behind their backs and then be nice to their face. And when she's bitching to you about someone and then turning around and being sickly sweet, you start to wonder what she's saying about you... but every time I would talk about her when I got annoyed at some criticism she had, I would just try and pick her to pieces by talking about all of her faults instead of looking for the actual root of why she was saying that - on both her side and my side. And when does talking get to be too much? When should we just sit back, and shut up? (yes, I'm one to 'talk', with my own website dedicated to my frivolous thoughts) Silence... AND patience are virtues. Ever sit with a friend and not feel the need to talk, and it's as though the air between you is fresh, and you can breathe... the world gets cluttered with too many words.