April 5, 2003 - "It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall."

Ahhh, I love funny emails. Here are a few of my favorites just to pass the time...

Metaphors Found in NSW Year 12 English Essays:
- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
- She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.
- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
- The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
- From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
- Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
- The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- "Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
- The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Classic lines from playing Taboo tonight with Selina, Happy and Mooed...
Selina: When you crack a (joke)
Happy: Code?
Selina: People burst into..
Happy: Flames
Selina: Aiii... okay, 'what' Daddy? (Puff)
Happy: Pimp.
Selina: 'what' Diddy?
Happy: P.
Selina: When it's hot outside, you go inside to seek? (shade)
Happy: Refuge.

First Grade True Story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the "Three Little Pigs" to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

A little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said, 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

TOP BUMPER STICKERS SEEN AROUND THE WORLD:
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex . . . Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park . . . Accidents Cause People.
4. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings"
5. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
6. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
7. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
8. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
9. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
10. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
11. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
12. Illiterate? Write For Help.
13. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
14. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

WISECRACKS
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?
4. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
5. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
6. Why is the man who invest all your money called a broker?
7. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
8. Why is a person who plays the piano call a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite things?
10. If horrific means to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?
11. "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do." is the longest sentence?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
13. Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

George W. Bush at his finest..

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