May 17, 2003 - Where did my heart go?

Oh man, what a night. I went to sleep after having my heart torn a little - not broken but there's definitely a little nick in there... and then I woke up two hours later to Steve calling me. He was in a car accident and all I wanted to do was fly to Boston and sit with him on the roadside and wait for a tow-truck. My heart hurts for so many reasons... I hate it that there's so much in my life that I can't do anything about. I've learned that even if you don't want to get emotionally involved in something, you always will and it hurts... even if someone says that it shouldn't go any further because they don't want to get hurt and they don't want to hurt you, damage has already been done. I don't think I've ever felt so lonely before in my life - just when you think you've figured everything out, life really throws you for a loop. Something comes in that you never expected or wanted and then all of a sudden you want it and it's a thirst because you know what you could have but you will never be able to have. I hate to be a sap but it's true - friends are what will get you through. I got an email from Saya today and no matter where we are, or what happens, I know that there are certain people I can always count on.

Steve, I love you so much - you were right in not ruining our friendship by making a move because I wouldn't have been able to say no and I look at what we have now and I almost start to cry, it's that beautiful. I miss you, even though I know that you are always with me and I am always with you - I honestly feel you inside my heart. You will make it through, just like what you wrote to me in your yearbook... that I'd get through it. I know you're in a horrible place right now, but don't you ever let anyone make you compromise what you want out of life because you are better than that - love comes naturally, it can't be grasped.

Sai, you will make the right decisions through life because you are a wonderful soul. I miss you.

Marianne, Mel, Nadia, Parsons, Chris, Dharshan, Claire - You are all my support network and am thankful that I am surrounded by so many good people. I cannot even begin to express how happy I am to have found such amazing friends. Take care of yourselves.

Selina, we will talk soon.

Cheah - you're my sis in every way. Love you.

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