Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! - Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. - Ellen DeGeneres
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. -Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligencelong enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. - Pearl Williams
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel
I dated this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." - Mike Binder