2002.07.13

終於把奇摩筆記本的文章都搬到這裡來了, 真是粉累
累到快沒體力去寫下今天的事了~
可是今天的感觸真的很多呢, 希望我都還記得吧~
今天晚上去市政府廣場看了台北流行音樂節的演唱會
這是我第一次真正看霆鋒live喔...
(上次西門町的沒趕上, 其他的我都不在台北, 遺憾遺憾)
其他的還有B.A.D., 哈林, WeWe, eason, eddison, karen mok,
光良, L'arc en Ciel 的 hyde, 陳小春, 梁靜茹, 許慧欣,
溫嵐, 黃湘怡(stella), 游鴻明, 還有一些我根本就沒聽過的...
孔令奇, 信樂團, 還有一個奇怪的韓國人...
anyway~ 擠死人了, 我只有看到 nic & eason 很 high 而已~

為了鑽到前面, 後來為了鑽出去, 我從一個大約35cm的鐵欄杆下面鑽了出去,
我也不知道我是怎麼做到的, 不過好像動作很俐落的樣子,
後面好多"哇賽"之類的驚聲, 哈哈哈~
i finally got my 15 seconds of fame~ (twice!!)

我發現, 有時候我真的很討厭"人"...
我想, 看心情, 我是不介意人群的,
只要我是人群中的一個, 而非人群的中心~
嗯, 是這樣的吧~ 看著舞台上的歌手自由自在的唱歌跳舞, 
是我的話一定 super stage fright.
我雖然獨立但是不能獨當一面啊~
為什麼老爸老媽整天一副我很不可靠的樣子呢
我真的那麼讓人覺得信不過我嗎...

明年的車位泡湯了, 因為我還沒有駕照...
ㄟ... 有沒有人要跟我carpool啊, 我每天都9:00am的課...

我果然把今天的那些想法都忘光了...
那那那算了吧... 我想什麼也不重要唄~
我只記得我和claire一邊看edison, 一邊覺得好像好像老公喔
然後就好想好想老公... 唉~

嗯, 電視上也常看到jenny (vanness)
我身邊真是充滿了明星臉啊


2002.07.14

some ppl ask for so much
complain so much about not having certain things
when in truth they are the richest of all
look around you, what do u have that another doesn't?
that is what makes u most fortunate of all.
it could be material wealth
it could be someone's unconditional love
it could be just a warm smile and hug
do u know how many ppl in the world
live day to day without all these things
that we take for granted?
stop asking for so much...
u have more than u need already.


2002.07.23.

what did my dream mean?
maybe it didn't mean anything,
it was just me overreacting...?
but... it felt so real...

u know when u have a dream,
that confirms a thought of urs,
or it goes the way u wish reality to go,
u can't stop thinking about it
and can't stop wondering what it means??
.................................
i wish i knew.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
i want starfish!!
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新的髮型滿煩的, 動不動就掉下來... 
還好沒有請理髮師多剪一些瀏海
可是... 我是很想要瀏海的!!
必須去採購定型液和髮夾....


2002.07.25.

roo跟我說, provs的成績已經出來了. 我好想知道, 又好怕知道.
為什麼我一直把我的self worth與我的成績畫上等號?
i know i'm so much more than that.
只是習慣吧... 自從gr.1那次, 把b寫成d, 沒有得到滿分的那一次...
我就一直是這樣了...

好像... 失去了表達自己心情的能力
從在網路上記事以來, 什麼都說的不太完整.
有點像那種像歐式圍牆的樹... 那種需要時常維持形狀的...
你看到外面獨特的形狀, 盎然的綠意...
但是裡面呢. 你看過那些樹葉子底下的模樣嗎??

"你 心碎了沒 想休息了沒 
鏡子有兩面所以你 用情太累"
---愛情美,elva


2002.08.03.

凌晨五點, 我還沒睡. 嗯, 感覺很像暑假嘛...
短短的幾年後, 大學畢業了以後, 就沒有得放暑假了...
(唉, 所以我說要去當english teacher嘛~)
最近一直生病, 回台灣不但竟然沒胖, 反而還瘦了許多...
到底是好事還是壞事呢?

上次魂來時捷運站旁在蓋的starbucks已經開幕了...
本來很開心的, 想說我附近總是要有starbucks和7-11!
可是一個月來也只去過一次 (又是教英文... x___X")
心中所想的, 所期盼的, 總是和現實不同.
就拿starbucks和sev來說吧,
以為我無論搬去哪都會有這兩家店在附近的, 
可是vancouver的新家就沒囉... 沒囉...
(連blockbuster都沒了, 得去rogers...)
人事變遷啊...

老是不記得某句成語怎麼說,
然後就會說錯但是意思也通, 就被笑...
像"人事變遷"!! 我用對了嗎???
誰來告訴我吧!!


2002.08.04.

你悲觀嗎?
總往壞處想嗎?
看不見希望嗎?
不敢相信承諾嗎?
如果沒被傷過
還會這樣嗎?

你虛偽嗎?
曾利用過誰嗎?
傷害過誰嗎?
後悔嗎?
再來一次的話
還會重蹈覆轍嗎?

凡事...
請三思而後行...


2002.08.05.

another sunday gone to waste...
6pm才起床的我, 呆呆的坐在這電腦螢幕前
前晚(其實應該是昨天下午)做了一個怪夢...

有一對夫婦, 年輕的時候喜歡架著一台來歷不明的飛機去玩
之後他們生了一對雙胞胎... 是兩個金髮的女孩,
而那架飛機為了什麼原因被埋在離海岸不遠的沙中(在水面下)
某天, 夫婦的一個哥哥之類的人物(惹人厭的傢伙)出現了
因為退潮了, 發現了這架飛行器. 他跨入飛行器...
按了某個不明的按鈕後, 飛行器突然往天空中衝出去...

此時, 雙胞胎中的姊姊往一個沿著山造出的水泥階梯,
往上爬... 那階梯似乎無止境, 直通往藍天中.
階梯的每一階都不一定高度, 很陡峭...
連同女孩還有一個小男孩, 男孩似乎愛著女孩,
女孩不時露出不耐煩的神情要男孩滾開.

半路上, 有一群詩唱班從階梯上往下走, 由神女領著.
雙胞胎女孩似乎曾屬於這個詩唱班
修女不斷的要詩唱班的女孩們不要理會雙胞胎女孩,
但還是有幾個女孩與雙胞胎女孩眼神交會, 
心靈相通般的對彼此微笑著.

詩唱班走過後,  男孩不斷的對女孩表白
女孩不耐煩的想甩開他的手
男孩想叫女孩回頭, 別再往上爬了
女孩的雙腿已經感到無力, 艱辛的堅持著要爬上去
她似乎被天空中的什麼呼喚, 她一定要去看看
突然間他們到達頂端了...
男孩伸直手指著什麼叫女孩看
女孩望去, 似乎見到那架飛行器和一些人...

然後...
我就被吵醒了...

天空中, 到底有什麼?? 我好想知道喔...
想到書中的一句話...

"there are stairs
some people go up
and some people go down."
---"This Much I Know Is True"

anyway... 不能再想了, 想也不會知道答案...
我還有夢到霆鋒喔... :)
內容我不告訴你!! 哈哈~


2002.08.06.

做了emode.com 的 Power Quotient Test,
我被分類為 "FEARLESS"...
有點... 有點... 嗯怎麼說呢.
有時候我也覺得自己滿fearless.
可是, 有些時候又... 我想, 看是對誰吧...
對我不在乎的人, 他們怎樣都無所謂
對我在乎的人就... 就很在意他們的想法和感受..
也就很容易因為他們的反應或是他們的無反應受傷...
所以咧? 我想如果要給我貼標誌的話...
我的背面該是"DANGER: explosive/corrosive"
而正面... "FRAGILE: handle with care"...

P曾說這是我的弱點... 是"弱點"喔!!
開什麼玩笑, 我關心身邊的人算壞事喔?!
說什麼, 敵人可以用這一點來對付我...
整天跟隱形的假想敵人搏鬥, 也真夠慘的,
辛苦你了, P... haha

還好啦.. 如果是我很在乎的事的話,
我無論如何都還是會勇往直前的~
人不應該太在意輿論啊~ 
不然會錯過很多好機會的!
嗯... 是這樣吧! (笑)

最近整天都在家, 亂閒的...
今天我真的跑去健身喔!! 真的去了喔!!
可是跑了40分鐘就受不了了...
soooo out of shape... ha~

我啊, 最近超想寫參考書的... 哈~
很瘋狂的念頭, 對不對? 會不會很想打我?
大概是因為那年補SAT的時候總是坐在這裡K參考書吧
不曉得到底寫了幾份模擬考?
總之就是很想寫... 早知道把那六大本其中隨便帶一本回來說...
或者是乾脆去買一疊新超群之類的高中英文模擬考卷來寫算了...
不知道"新超群"是什麼的朋友, 你們實在太幸福了..
我很羨慕你啊!! 在台灣煎熬著的同學們也都很羨慕你啊!!
(好像高國華那些會最羨慕你們, 聽說他們今年暑假要背5000個單字)
嗯... 不知道高國華是誰的話那你們也該慶幸...
ai-yo-wei... 哪天下午沒事的話我溜去美加去上SAT課吧!!
順便看看jamie還在不在... oh~ jamie~ :)
(haa... 果然是讀書讀瘋了)


2002.08.07.

mmm... is my life boring?
no.. i guess it isn't.
but... i dunno... it's ordinary...
i guess that's supposed to be good...
right?


2002.08.08.

just watched Joan of Arc, the movie.
i too, wish that i were meant to fulfill some cause...
that there is meaning to my life...

we watch the insects, the cockaroaches.
we, the almighty human race,
deem their only reason for existance is to produce offspring
to keep their kind alive and populate the earth
and of course, to plague us,
the glorious homo sapien.
so what then,
is the meaning of our existance?
if not merely to give birth to more and more
of the same confused souls...?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

今天, 我好像活過來了...
感覺像是, 我又重新愛上台北了...
但.... 那又如何?

17 days...


2002.08.12.

if i'm not happy, then i hope at least you are...

i had a dream.
in it, my closest friends all read my diary.
my REAL diary, the copy that only i have access to...
and life went on, they act like they don't know anything.
they read all about my thoughts, and it didn't matter...
becuz they didn't care...
that was my dream...
my nightmare...

maybe summer is miserable becuz i sleep too much
and then i dream too much...

but then i'm miserable during the other 10 months
cuz i never get enuff sleep...
ai, no balance...


2002.08.23.

crazy healthy life,
normal sleeping hours,
three meals with abundant and balanced nutrition...
and everyday is still literally "天昏地暗" for me...
what am i doing wrong?

i keep on joking that my health was the price
i had to pay for my 4.0 GPA
and above all, for wanting both
a rich social life and academic excellence
so i'm not gonna study so hard next year,
i keep telling myself.
but then... what am i supposed to do then...
study is the only thing i'm good at...
what would i be without it.

i knew but never fully realized,
that u can try hard to be there for ppl all the time
but u can only hope against hope that someone'll be there for u
when u need them

i know AND realize AND understand
that the world is an unfair battle field...
but it still shocks me everytimethe theory is proven.

陶吉吉的CD內附贈一片柳丁異願卡
填上願望後可以掛到唱片行的柳丁樹上
大家寫的都是一些好trivial的願望
忍不住想, 我也有許過那麼trivial的願望嗎?
in the moment, 當事人是不會覺得trivial的

很多我們很在乎的事, 都是當事者迷, 旁觀者清
但要如何晉升為旁觀者, 去冷靜思考呢

"u never know until u try it."
a) -u never know how sweet success is, until u try it.
b) -u never know how much failure hurts, until u try it.


2002.08.25.

http://share.youthwant.com.tw/back/3/36/36000088.swf
看這支動畫, 我的感觸超多的...

剩五天了, 我每天都很盡心盡力的去西門町晃,
不知不覺地終於把壓歲錢都敗光了~
光是貼貼/卡就有$1270就是了... 呵~
雖然還在病, 我開始期待新學期的開始...
期待認識新的朋友... 
舊的朋友都很好, 可是...
世界上有沒有比較像我的人ㄋㄟ?
整天忍不住這麼想...
在溫哥華是沒有嗎? 財力有限的人啊!!
身邊太多揮霍無度的傢伙了
或者是自以為很窮但都有錢一直出去吃飯的人... :p

台北街頭的情侶實在太太太多了, 
隨時隨地你身邊都會有甜蜜密的人
特別是晚上搭捷運回家的時候, 
一對對的情侶上車下車, 到了我的站, 
離終點站只有一站啊!!
只有零零星星的幾人跟我一樣一個人晃下車
好落寞啊~!!
這時候總要轉轉戒指, 才得到小小的平靜...
無法想像長期單身的人在台北如何快樂的生存~
(又在想eason 的"他一個人"了)

聽tao的CD, 都粉想哭...
是今年暑假唯一必買的CD啊
連jay的都不怎樣說... 有夠芭樂...

上次在西門看到energy, 粉想去29th的演唱會說...
今年暑假竟只 看了一場演唱會...
沒人要跟我去嗎? 喂喂喂, "hey, come on!!" 呵~


2002.08.27.

今天拿到了巨大的精裝版 edison...
裡面有很多巨大的 edison 照片...
可是發現, 我並不想聽裡面的cd... 哈
回vancouver就可以看到我的"edison"了~  :)

又快貼滿一本貼貼本了~
看著一頁一頁五花繚亂的貼貼, 沒什麼成就感..
照和畫的時候固然很高興,有很多經典的表情和旁白,
但是之後卻沒興趣去端看它們... 我不知道我嚮往著什麼...
這幾天比較不病了, 很想天天都和今天依樣去逛西門,
也想去energy的演唱會... 可是有時候又只想呆在這部電腦前面,
聽我的音樂, 寫寫東西... 很久沒好好地one on one和誰聊過天的感覺...
都是在報備近況, 談八卦, 談流行... 最常是我在聽別人訴說他們的生活... 
我很想要time-out, 休息一下, 可是我更該珍惜剩下的幾天...
下次回來, 不知道是什麼時候呢...
我知道在未來, 我不能像以前一樣, 一年回來三次.
我會, 慢慢的遠離...
有很多事, 都不是你想怎樣就怎樣的.
這句話, 單是在我的網路日記裡面, 就不知道講了幾次...


2002.09.06.

school's started for a couple days, got used to running around,
got used to reading stupid weirdly phrased textbooks...
never home till it's bedtime and out again by 8am...
made some new "emergency friends",
lost contact with some old good friends too.
it's a new world... it's a new life...
for me, it's a life without computers, tv, and phones...
surprisingly, i seem to be doing alright...
hands kinda shook when i signed up for internet today...
shaw high speed internet...
regardless of what the ads tell u,
life goes on with or without it.
and life goes on, with or without many things and many people...
and many ppl go on, with or without u,..


2002.09.29.

since i've entered university
i've been able to gain insight into many people's lives...
ppl that i normally wouldn't be interacting with.
i see ppl who party too hard,
ppl who work too hard, ppl who study too hard...
and then i see myself.
and i don't belong in any singular catagory.
and then i wonder... is this what makes me special,
or is this what makes me an outsider;
is this what makes me always the odd one.
in whichever case... it's what defines me, i guess.
there's no repeling ur own identity,
there's no sense in trying to be someone u're not...
so, conclusion:
screw the studying n assignments... just relax.


2002.11.07.

2 years ago from today,
we presented our jap skit and had a badminton game against king george;
the second last game of the season.
that was fun... even tho it was a busy week.
i remember our skit was about a day in a jap family...
i was the mom, so i had to wear a kimono and put white powder on...
everyone had a good laugh...
i was happy, two years ago from today.