jokes

FUNNIES!!!!!!

ICE FISHING!!

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again,from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Lord, is that you?" Nooo," the voice replied, this is the Ice-Rink Manager!"

REPENT AND BE BLESSED

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?" "Yes father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?" I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys.

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?" Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

ONE WISH

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK, you released me from the lamp .... blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid to fly,and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete ... how much steel! No, think of aother wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally he said "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive, I wish that I could understand women, know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they are crying, know what they want when they say 'nothing' .... Can you help me to understand women?"

The genie said "You want that bridge two lanes or four ?"

KISS ME, KISS ME!
An old man was rowing a boat on a lake when a frog swam up to him and yelled, "Mister! Mister! I'm really a beautiful princess. Kiss me and we'll live happily ever after!"
The old man put the frog in his pocket and rowed to shore. The frog called out again, "Hey, mister! I'm really a gorgeous princess. Kiss me and we'll live happily ever after!" Still the old man said nothing and walked down the road toward town.
The frog was getting angry at being ignored. "Why don't you kiss me? I told you I'm really a beautiful princess."
"Listen, lady," the old man replied. "I'm 90 years old. At this point in my life I would rather have a talking frog."

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