Jokes Zone

Q: What's the difference between a
Macintosh and an Etch-a-Sketch?
You don't have to turn the Mac upside down
and shake it to erase it.

Bill Gates' wife found out on
their wedding night
why he named his company "Microsoft".

A Nerd wanted to do some experiments on a frog,
so he choped one leg off and said "Jump", the frog jumped,
he choped anpother leg off and said "Jump",
the frog jumped than he chopped the two remaining legs and said "Jump",
the frog couldent jump without legs so the nerd wrote:
When I chop all the frogs legs , the frog becomes deaf . ...

How many programmers does it take
to change a light bulb,
none that's a hardware problem...
how many hardware engineers does it take
to change a lightbulb,
none that's a software problem (think about it)

How many software testers does it take
to change a lightbulb?
None, they just notice the darkness and
submit a bug report.

Is it better to have a wife or a mistress?
--Architect: "A wife; a relationship can be built on
a much stronger foundation that way."
--Artist: "A mistress; her passion is far better than anything
a wife could offer."
--Programmer: "Both! Each will assume you're with the other,
so you can spend more time at the office!"

How many Purdue engineering students
does it take to change a light bulb?
One, and he gets 3 credit hours for it

Every 10 seconds somewhere in this world
a woman is giving birth to a child.
She must be found and stopped...

Women talk a lot because they have two mouths.
Men think a lot because they have two heads.

Good girls go to heaven.
Bad girls go everywhere!

There's a fine line between fishing
and just standing on the shore like an idiot

You Might Be A Computer Nerd If...

Your web page is more popular than you.

Your favorite sport is Tetris.

You know what fuzzy logic is.

You talk to your computer.

When given a choice, you look at Computer Shopper instead of Playboy.

You argue with your computer.

Your computer has its own phone line.

You have dreams involving your computer.

You try to pick up women on chat lines.

You can talk to a woman about your hardware and not mean anything sexual.

You spend Friday nights with your computer.

You ask a woman for her email address instead of her phone number.

You've never actually met many of your friends.

You remember how to use DOS.

You think Bill Gates is "a cool guy."

Only computer users can understand you.

Your home page is longer than your resume.

You've ever installed Linux.

You've missed the X-Files because you wanted to play on your computer.

You always understand Dilbert.

You regularly drink Jolt cola.

You spend more time on the Internet than you do sleeping.

You have multiple email addresses.

You've ever setup a LAN in your house.

You understood the above statement.

You get Jealous when any one uses your computer

Your idea of hurrying is typing faster.

You keep spare mouse pads.

You buy your computer gifts.

You've ever been dumped for paying too much attention to your computer.

Someone mentions foreign language and you think "Cobol".

You regularly use a tape backup on files you have the original disks for.

You get a new computer, take it out of the box, and you immediately remove the case.

You have ever called home to check on your computer.

You do processes in DOS instead of Windows not because it is faster, but because it just confuses people.

You've ever considered getting a tattoo of the "Intel Inside" logo.

You have a pet name for your computer, but not one for your penis.

You know every law about computer piracy by heart, because you've been convicted on all of them.

You no longer interact with your family, you send them email instead; in the same house.

You check your email before you check your answering machine.

You can program the next best thing to Windows, but you still can't get your VCR to stop flashing.

You have more insurance on your computer than on your children.

You receive more chat requests than phone calls.

You stopped paying for call waiting because it kept knocking you off-line.

You don't immediately go into gibbering panic when you hear of a new computer virus.

You've ever emailed your assignment in to your professor.

You've ever tried to see how far you can move the mouse without turning off the screen saver.

You have dialed 911 and faxed them your problem.

You call in sick to work over your computer.

Your first aid kit contains Norton's Anti-Virus.

You know what the acronyms HTML, URL, ISP, and HTTP each stand for.

You tinker with computers at work all day, and when you finally get off work, you rush home to tinker with your computer.

You dedicate your home page to your favorite actress in hopes that she will see it and desire to meet you.

You have more than one home page.

The closest you ever come to having sex is downloading nude pictures off of the Internet.

You have a better computer system at home than at work.

You get jealous when other people use your computer.

You run back into your burning home to rescue your computer, but you leave the dog.

You know exactly how much hard drive space you have free, but you don't know your spouse's birthday.

You run Windows 95 and Windows 3.1 just because you can.

You have the high score on Jezz Ball.

You know what word 31337 stands for.

You keep spare computer parts around the house.

COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

COMPUTER: Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Hitler became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

DEFAULT DIRECTORY: Black Hole. Default directory is where all the files that you need disappear.

ERROR MESSAGE: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for their program's shortcomings.

HELP: The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the Help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning a darn thing.

INPUT/OUTPUT: Information is "input" from the keyboard as intelligible data and "output" to the printer as unrecognizable crud.

PRINTER: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.

PROGRAMMERS: Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons and memorized "Star Trek" episodes; now millionaires who create "user friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

SCHEDULED RELEASE DATE: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

USERS: Collective term for those who stare blankly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. Novice users are those who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate users are those who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed key that broke it. And expert users are those who break other people's computers.

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