For Jess

I spend my life in your jeans
eating apples
green
The red ones make my heart bleed
Recalling your voice
times of you

Once you told me that God had kissed your mouth
and you wanted to share
I somehow expected more than sex in the basement
with your boyfriend, while you watched
and sometimes joined from behind
But I endured it
enjoyed it, because you did
and because it was the closest I could ever be to you
 
That night he slept on the couch
leaving us on the bed
to talk while you braided my hair
(an elaborate style that makes even me look like a goddess)
Your hands reaching to catch a lost strand
lingering to steal soft kisses from my skin
whispering I love you when you lips forgot how
Later we made love
quiet and gentle as everything is with you
Your arms about me when stopped
your hands turned my face to yours
so that you could look at me
as you told me
"you were my best friend"
I cried

We awoke to find your body
suspended in time a few feet away
fallen from my arms
I held on to him
to keep from dying with you

Your baby also fell from me a few months later
Too soon for me, I grasped on to that piece of you
But she sprouted wings
and flew away
I filled her place with a tiny gravestone
and your name

When we were little
I'd sit eating apples
Granny Smiths
Under you big tree on warm afternoons
You'd sit with me and watch
Didn't like green apples
the green ones make your stomach hurt

I exist now only where you are
and you are nowhere
but in the sound of the grass
the scream of the trees
the sudden silence of your cry
I pray for the violin to come home
carrying you on its wing
And at night I lie still
cold as you are

Your death still hangs on this place