Since he has gone, all nights are black nights,
I miss his hands massaging my back nights---
I need a rubdown so,
But I'll be damned if I'll let him know.

No one to blame or to complain to,
Nobody's hair to clog up the drain, too---
That drain's no longer slow,
But I'll be damned if I'll let him know.

I'd never show him
That things look starker
Than in a poem
By Dorothy Parker---
Beautiful days all seem so dismal,
I'm on a diet of Pepto Bismal.

Wish he were back to give me chills now,
Wish he would help pay half of the bills now---
Think of how much I owe---
But I'll be damned if I'll let him know.

                           II

All of my dreams are melodramas
Since I've gone back to wearing pajamas,
I've never felt so low---
But I'll be damned if I'll let him know.

Cry  when I hear of someone's wedding,
Cry even more while changing the bedding---
That quilt was mistletoe,
But I'll be damned if I'll let him know.

Miss all the kissing,
Miss all the hell, too---
I'm even missing
That Aramis smell, too.
Cry at Ravel, cry at Debussy,
Cry at the re-runs of I Love Lucy.

Wish he were back, it seemed so nice here,
Wish he would help get rid of the mice here---
Those mice have gotta go!
But I'll be damned if I'll let him know.

Miss all those nights, nights when she'd love me,
Miss taking baths with panties above me---
I miss the dripping so!
But I'll be damned if I'll let her know.

Since we broke up, my socks stay holey,
I've learned to cook, but just ravioli---
I'm sick from all that dough---
But I'll be damned if I'll let her know.

I sit and pray here
That I'll feel chipper
Yet each new day here
Feels just like Yom Kippur---
My arms are weak, I've little life now,
Can hardly covet my neighbor's wife now.

Wish I were back to hold and praise 'er,
I'd even let her use my new razor
Rather than let it grow,
But I'll be damned if I'll let her know.