Male Verse
Oh, the songs they  sang when I was young
Had me believing every word that was sung.
But if Love is a Many Splendored Thing,
Then I am Mao Tse-Tung.

Female Verse
Oh, the songs they sang when I was young
Had me believing every word that was sung.
But if Love is a Many Splendored Thing,
Then I am Connie Chung.

Both
Take away
Those flowers in May---
They're only made of paper maché---
Just an illusion that comes every spring,
For love is a lonely thing.

Better start
To seal up your heart
For Cupid wields a poisonous dart---
You can ache years from the pain of its sting,
For love is a lonely thing.

You'll find you are numb
And too quickly in mourning;
Affairs should all come
With a surgeon general's warning.

Dim the lights
On matchmaking sites---
They lead to cramps and sleeping-pill nights;
Think of the grief that those u.r.l.s bring---
For love is a lonely thing.
 

Male
Look askance
At every romance---
They start to smell like old Liedercranz;
Even avoid the most casual fling,
For love is a lonely thing.

Do not slip
And think love's a trip---
You won't defrag, so never unzip;
Virtual sex has a beautiful ring,
For love is a lonely thing.

You're wild for her looks
So you make her a goddess---
Let's ban all those books
Where some dude is ripping some bodice.

Voodoo dwells
In all of love's spells---
Better run when you feel you hear bells;
Think with your dong and you can't trust a ding---
For love is a lonely thing.
 

Female
Never prize
Those love story lies---
They only work when one of them dies---
It's just the same whether peasant or king
For love is a lonely thing.

Let's condemn
That dumb "La Bohème"---
Poor Mimi loved and wound up with phlegm---
Learn to ignore what those idiots sing,
For love is a lonely thing.

The stars get all bent
And the moon's made of cheddar;
Love notes should be sent
With their very own built-in shredder.

Time reveals
Some pretty slick deals---
Keep on your toes when dealing with heels---
Go string along and you're left with just string---
For love is a lonely thing.
 

Both
You'll regret
The moment you met---
You're better off with birds for a pet;
At least cockateels will occasion'ly sing,
For love is a lonely thing.

Love's a trick
That loses its kick---
Just take a look at Ilse and Rick;
It's clear Claude Rains gave him more of a zing,
For love is a lonely thing.

You're put in a bind,
You're given the finger---
And soon you may find
That you're appearing on Jerry Springer.

Cast away,
Your hair turns to gray,
You're calling hot lines ten times a day---
It does no good to consult the I Ching,
For love is a lonely thing.
 

You can’t win
No matter how thin
Or how much Botox runs through your skin---
Jeer at the payoff that Enzyte will bring
For love is a lonely thing.

You can make
A single mistake
And end like either Bakley or Blake---
Better watch out if you're planning a fling
For love is a lonely thing.

You’re lost on the green,
You’re caught in some branches---
And if you’re pre-teen,
Ask Mommy where Neverland Ranch is.

Love, alas,
Makes gold become brass---
What you thought was love turns out to be gas---
You can wind up in a brace or a sling---
For love is a lonely thing,
Yes, love is a lonely thing.
 
 
 
 

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