Sex Don't Count
Lillian Rex
Loved kinky sex
In an era that was most uptight.
By day she would work
As a library clerk,
But, oh, the transformation at night!
When a man came knocking at her door,
She'd get the whips and the chains out;
She died one evening at ninety-four
In the midst of fucking her brains out.
When she got to the pearly gates,
She suddenly started to pray.
She shook with fear and she shook with fright,
But St. Peter had this to say:"Sex don't count!
"Sex don't count!
"Whether a small or a large amount,
"From His Good Grace, you will not fall
"For sex don't count,
"Sex don't count,
"Sex don't count at all."Emily Wren
Did not like men
And everything decorum forbids;
She was overwrought
When finally taught
That the stork doesn't really bring kids.
She did not want a mate or spouse---
All intercourse was a scandal---
She kept bananas out of the house
And would not think of handling a candle.
When she died she was most convinced
There'd be jubilation galore---
But what she heard at the pearly gates
Made her knickers drop to the floor."Sex don't count!
"Sex don't count!
"Whether a small or a large amount,
"From His Good Grace, you will not fall
"For sex don't count,
"Sex don't count,
"Sex don't count at all."Billy Monet
Was very gay,
But, my God, how the psyche deceives!
For when he would bed
The woman he wed
He'd imagine that she was Steve Reeves.
Though he lied to himself and her as well
That he was no goddamned fairy,
Below the belt he would rise and swell
When he saw something muscled and hairy.
He died quite young of a heart attack
And always refused to recant;
But what St. Peter finally said
Was, "We're giving you Cary Grant."For sex don't count!
"Sex don't count!
"Whether a small or a large amount,
"From His Good Grace, you will not fall
"For sex don't count,
"Sex don't count,
"Sex don't count at all."Gabriel Frye
Was oh, so shy,
But he couldn't keep sex from his mind.
He would whack away
In the course of the day
While his priest swore he would go blind.
He would envy guys with nonchalance
And worship cocksmen and swingers,
But all that ever came near his schwanz
Were baby oil and his fingers.
And when he got to the pearly gates,
St. Peter said, "Do not repent.
"Here are some poppers and vaseline
"Now jack off to your heart's content."For sex don't count!
"Sex don't count!
"Whether a small or a large amount,
"From His Good Grace, you will not fall
"For sex don't count,
"Sex don't count,
"Sex don't count at all."