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Chapter 14
I went to the river one day. I needed a break from it all. Battles… Ancient rivalries… Energy… And her… Oh, how did I get myself into this mess? Why me? I still loved Kristin, there's no denying that, but my love for her had changed over time. Where once there was passion when it came to being with her and then the hope for being joined together in the future when and if it was possible, there was only the knowledge that I could never have her in this lifetime. I loved her like I loved a favorite song or a favorite childhood memory. Her memory was a cherished one for me and that's how I came to love her. But to love Holly too? She has lost her own love just recently and it wouldn't be right for me to step in. Just because we've gotten close doesn't mean anything… Does it? It's not fair! It's as if Tanek was playing with our emotions, testing us to see if we really were pure… Really were focused and dedicated… To our cause? Or to each other? Did it matter? She'd been taken from me, a hostage held from the last battle fought. What was I going to do? I'd already lost one woman in my life; I didn't want to lose another.
It had just been another day, another battle, this time in a swamp somewhere in South America. Browns and greens provided the backdrop as each individual fought for their lives in this steamy world. It was difficult work, making one's way through the swamp when with each step, the mud was determined to suck us deeper into the water. There were more than just mud and enemies to worry about though. The mosquitoes were up and hungry this time of day and year as were other insects that I didn't want to think about. Water snakes and other lizards could be seen as well, eyeing us all warily from their safe perches. In the canopy above us, undoubtedly more creatures watched as man killed tried to kill its own species off. Still, despite the change in scene, this battle was just like any other battle for me… Except for one major detail…
Even as I felt myself being drawn to turn around, I had a feeling it was too late. I desperately tried to make my way over to Holly from where she was being surrounded a few feet behind me, but more enemies and the mud at my feet kept me from reaching my goal. It was perilous work enough to avoid being cut open by warriors but if I didn't take care as to where I planted my feet, I could easily twist my ankle or sink even further into the relentless mud. There was no way I could get to her, and I watched as they subdued her as only they could by tying her up in long, rough looking ropes, giving just enough leeway to just let her breathe.
And then they were gone. Just like that, they and all of their warriors were gone, taking Holly with them. Oh, how I had roared in anger that they'd have the audacity to do such a thing. For a time, all I saw was red. And then came the worrying. What were they doing to her? What could they possibly want from her? Would they try killing her or worse? Terrible images of Holly being tortured in different ways were stamped down as soon as they came in mind. I couldn't think of that, didn't want to think about it at all. Holly was Holly. She was a strong woman who could endure a lot. If she didn't get herself out, she'd be able to keep herself up until we could help her… I hoped.
That was a week ago and there was still no word of her around. Numerous people have been set on the lookout and we'd had a few leads but nothing looked promising. And I was tearing myself apart with guilt. I thought that if I hadn't been so attached to her, I wouldn't have been so distraught. Things had been so much simpler in the beginning when we all knew where we stood. As dedicated as she was to me, we knew her loyalties lay with Kris's memory and her love with Daniel. I was a newcomer, an outsider, and she was just supporting me as her duty called, treating me as one would treat an acquaintance. We knew we didn't exactly get along in the beginning. Who would? Your mentor, teacher, and best friend dies and instead of being appointed next, an untrained, sorry, self-denying crush from the past is Chosen. Who wouldn't be bitter, or at least hesitant to welcome someone you know barely anything about? As friendly as we acted toward each other, something had been missing. True, at least Holly and I were civil with each other. Much less could be said about Daniel and I. Now that was just plain… I don't know. It's not like we hated each other, but he certainly thought himself better than me and never let me forget who was the more experienced… That was the way it was until the very end. Then, he tried his best for me and paid with his life. Who am I to tell him that it was unnecessary? That I wasn't worthy of such an offering? He was only doing his duty, protecting me, the Teacher, before my time here was done. Done for what though? All of it seems like such a lost cause sometimes… But then I'd feel the presence of those who've walked in my shoes, felt my emotions, understood my frustration and loss and they urged me to go on. They reminded me that there was a point to all this death and pain and torment. But what was the point in loving someone who can't love back?
Oh Kristin, now I understand why you pushed me away. You really did love me and to prove it, you gave me my life, protecting it from the instability of your own. You didn't want to see me get hurt. You wanted me to live my life to the fullest, without any of the worries that you went through every moment of your life. But you couldn't stop loving me just as I couldn't dismiss my love for you. You realized at the very end that my life was you and I could never be completely happy without you by my side. That had never changed and will never change. We both made mistakes. We both misjudged.
I watched some ducks. I think they were some type of mallard actually. You know, it's interesting to note the females are rarely ever alone. There are always at least two or more males keeping an eye on her, watching for predators that may threaten the girl's safety and then quacking in threat at anyone who dared come too close. In that respect, that's what Holly had become for me, and what Daniel once was. They were my protectors.
Then I watched another male come up from the water and approach those resting ducks. They let him pass, not even trying to warn him away from the female as they did when humans or even other ducks got too close. The lonely duck left the three and moved on to another, bigger group of ducks that had been resting in the shade. He cut through the group, weaving in between the resting fowl before joining in himself. No resistance was met and again, I was caught by a parallel. I was like that lonely duck, making sure that everything was as it should be but at the same time, completely alone. Oh, the Council and everyone else can help but only to a certain extent. Even the Ancient Ones and the Great One can only do so much. The weight of the world was on my shoulder, almost literally.
And there are the humans who destroy nature's delicate balance. I watched a young family came close to the small group of ducks and begin throwing bread at them. How dare they disturb the sleeping ducks! How dare they feed them food that isn't natural for them. And once again, I am like one duck, urging the others to leave the strange creatures behind, to go somewhere safe. But the free food is too much of a bribe, a prize… Why pass it up when it can't hurt you? I could only do so much for this world. I could only lead the way, show other possibilities. People must in the end, choose for themselves what they want. As much as I want to relieve the burden from those people, I know I couldn't possibly have all the right answers so that we'd all live in a perfect world. That wasn't my burden, even though it felt like it much of the time.
The wind was cool on that late winter afternoon, complimenting the warm, bright sunshine. There were few clouds to mar the brilliant blue above me. The grass was an expected mix of browns and green, the recent rains still not enough to rejuvenate the greens after winter's cold. The water moved along, stirred up a bit by the gentle wind. Life. Earth, air, water, light… All in a delicate Balance…. An intricate yet fragile weaving to form life… Oh Tanek, why would anyone want to destroy something so beautiful? How could anyone forget the beauty of it all?
I sighed. Why wouldn't they? Everything ends. All life dies. Why worry about something that won't affect you? Who cares as long as you get ahead in this lifetime while you can and perhaps leave a piece of this world to the offspring? But then again, what's so difficult of being happy in an uncorrupted world? I called up memories of life generations long past, in the days when people worked with each other in perfect harmony and the world around them. Will that time ever return? If it'd been possible, the light became brighter, the wind wrapped me in its embrace, the water lapped up the riverbank, eager to comfort me as well, and the grass took on a more vibrant color. They knew the answer, as did I. But how much longer until the end? A couple of the ducks gave me a beady stare and quacked at me before herding everyone back into the water, leaving me alone with my thoughts after having admonished me for thinking so negatively.
I grinned wryly. There I was, explaining life using ducks. What a theory that made…
It wasn't until I got back to my apartment that night that I'd realized something. It was exactly one year ago that day since Kris had died and given me a new life.