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Chapter 9
The first thing I did when I got back home from that battle site was leave it and head to Holly's. As much as I was suffering from Life's questions, I knew I had to be there for Holly. Not only had Daniel asked it, but I knew I wouldn't have been happy with myself if I left her alone at a time like this. Holly didn't deserve to suffer alone. No one had come to comfort me when Kris had left but I wasn't about to think back to it just yet. No… This was Holly's time to mourn. I could put aside my thoughts for now. I needed to.
Veronica greeted me at the door. Her dark, worried eyes told me all I needed to know but I asked anyway. "How is she holding up?"
"Not good at all. She was hysterical after we left and I can't blame her. She couldn't stop crying for the longest time. I eventually got her to wash up though and I managed to get her into bed. She finally fell asleep just now though, and I'm glad. This has been a long day for her."
I took a closer look at Veronica. "For us, you mean. Go and head on home now. I'll watch over her for now. You need your rest too."
Despite her fatigue, I could tell she wanted to stay and help out more. Still, she knew that she had to listen and went to gather her things. Just as she stepped out the door though, I called after her. "Hey, Veronica?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you. For trusting in me and for what you've done today."
She smiled. "Don't sweat it."
"Take care of yourself, and be careful out there."
"I will. I'll check up on Isaac on the way home and let him know what's up. I'll see you soon."
I nodded and locked the door after seeing that she made it to her car safely. Then I turned around and headed up the stairs. I made my way slowly, pausing often to take a closer look at the photos and mementos that led the way up the stairs… A beach shot here, a formal there… Portraits with family and friends… There were even a couple with Kris. My throat tightened and it was all I could do to not cry. So many happy moments… All long gone now…
I hesitated outside Holly's door for a moment, debating whether or not to check in on her. Veronica had mentioned that she was asleep…
I went in.
I found Holly laying in bed sure enough… Wide-awake. "Holly?" She'd been staring at a photograph on her bedside table. Getting closer, I noticed that it was a picture of her and Daniel on their wedding day. The two were on the dance floor, completely oblivious to anyone but themselves. A candid shot for sure, Holly's mouth was wide open with laughter as Daniel twirled her around. There was no trace of bitterness or sadness in this picture. Only pure bliss… "Holly?"
There was a small bit of silence before a sigh. "I miss him."
I made my way closer to her and she sat up, motioning for me to sit down next to her. She still stared at the picture. "I know you do."
"I'll always miss him, won't I?"
"I think that's a sure bet." All right, so I knew I wasn't good with words. Wasn't then, and I'm still not. But it was the truth and that's all I could give her right then. There was no use in trying to hide it.
More silence. Then she asked, "Did it hurt this much when Kristin left you?"
Who was I to compare the pain we each were going through? I'd been living with the pain for many years now. As much as it had been dulled by time, the ache was still there. For her, the pain was fresh, and she didn't have the comfort of having him speak to her as Kris spoke with me sometimes. Even before I saw Kris in the alleyway that afternoon, I had hope that we'd see each other again at least once… And since then, Kris was around for me; Daniel wouldn't be coming back for Holly, as much as they loved each other… At least not in this lifetime. His place was to help guide future Melisenda's… I couldn't answer Holly's questions so I didn't. I just held her in my arms as she began crying again, comforting her in hopes that she could fall back asleep and dream of the happy times.
I dreamt that night. Kris and I were at a beach somewhere, walking hand in hand on the deserted sand, letting the warm ocean water lap at our bare feet. It was a familiar scene with a familiar talk, a memory. This had been when we were still getting comfortable around each other. She'd finally convinced herself that she could trust me. Oh how happy I felt that day when she told me that. To have been talking to her for more than a year and finally to have earned her trust… It was the best feeling in the world. Not long after that confession, we started going out.
That afternoon though, she had to come face to face with her past. She'd knew that she couldn't be completely happy with me until she had broken the ties with her past once and for all… And that meant dealing with the leftover pain. I helped her by listening to her, watching as she threw stone after stone of memories into the ocean, watching them disappear into the waves.
"Hell… No reality in the word," she was saying. "It's only the idea that you go through lifetime upon lifetime, dealing with the same issues over and over again… To be hurt by the same people… To be loved by the same people as well because we all are reborn… To be given countless chances to redeem yourself… Sometimes we succeed… Other times, we fail to recognize our mistakes… But that is life… One more time trying to right what wrongs have been done in the past…"
She sighed before continuing. "I turned my back on him. I had to, for my sake if for no one else's. Few understood my feelings, my reasoning. Holly did. Daniel did when I told him about it a long time afterward. That was it. Two people understood out of the number of friends I thought I had… He didn't though. He said he did, but he didn't. He didn't understand what he was doing wrong and why I was hurting. He couldn't change himself to help me and I wouldn't be stuck in a relationship where all I did was feel pain. So I left, and it almost tore me up. Almost. Oh yes, I heard his cries. I felt his pain. Our souls had combined somehow in the time we were together and it's been so difficult trying to get my own identity back. My soul cringed every time he called out my name, his voice so full of despair and longing. I know I abandoned him but as much as it hurt, I can honestly say I'm not sorry.
"Two years ago, he and I started something together. Just barely half a year later, it would all end. A month later, it would end again. And end a few more times until I'd had enough of being shattered by his smothering. The need to protect him, to shelter and distract him from his troubles, to love him, to be his world for him… It was all tearing me apart. I had a life of my own that I neglected for him. And now? For a few months now, I have been free of his wretched being. I've been able to lead my life as it was meant to be led, the way I wanted it to be led. And I'm happy. For the first time in so long, I've been truly happy. You've helped me a great deal. You and Holly and Daniel… But my spirit still aches from time to time, in recollection of what was left behind. It's not that I was afraid to leave. No, my heart and my mind knew that this was the right thing to do, but there are always the what if's, you know? To think that perhaps we could have worked on it a little longer… Perhaps if I'd done this or done that, things could have been different and none of the pain would have come…
"Still, I know that this has been the best thing I could have done. I'm sorry it hurt him so much, but he had me living a hell on earth. I had to end it and by doing so, I gave over my pain to him." She paused a bit to look at me. "Was it wrong for me to do it? To give him such a burden?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Well if it is, then it's not my fault at all. If he still has pain, then it's of his own making. I'd made myself free. Free of the need to be there for him physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
"And I didn't look back. Yes, it was hard but what else could I do? Those hands, which had once comforted me, had changed and seemed to be on a selfish crusade in hopes of squeezing every last drop of dignity I had. And it was almost too late when I realized my demise. One more night Ryan, and it would have been the end of me. Why? I know that if I had waited any longer, I wouldn't have had any self-respect left to fight him. I didn't like how my future looked. Everything I saw was tinged or drowned in darkness, including myself… Mostly myself. I couldn't look back. I didn't want to. Why regret an action that has helped me grow up so much?"
She was crying when she turned back to me and she wouldn't look away. Gently, I lifted my hands up to brush away her tears. "What did he do to you that has made you cry? How in the world could someone have the heart to hurt such a beautiful and wonderful woman such as yourself?" I whispered this as much to her as I did for my own sake. My mind had trouble digesting the idea that she'd been hurt so bad. She'd given up so much of herself for others and it wasn't fair that life hadn't treated her accordingly. That was when I came up with the idea of throwing the stones into the ocean. For each wrong that had been done to her by him and by others, we each watched as a small rock sank beneath the water's surface. It was a healing process for her, to be able to finally put away the past where it belonged, in the past.
After that, we were supposed to have left the beach and gone back to the city but instead, Kris's figure sat down on the beach and beckoned for me to sit down next to her. We both stared out over the waters, watching as the sun began to set. "You know, you have your own past to bury," she began saying.
"What do you mean?"
"Tell me Ryan. Why do you think I chose this memory for you to see here?"
"I didn't think there was any purpose actually. I just thought that I was remembering…"
"Dreams have meanings, sometimes literal, more often not. It's up to you to figure out which and for you to do that, you must pay attention. Your dreams tell you a lot about yourself, what you think about other people, what you're going through at the moment… And can sometimes be a forewarning of what's to come." I still had no idea what she was getting to and I could tell that my confusion was frustrating her. "Ryan, you could be the best Quinn there could be but something's holding you back. Not just something but someone. That someone is me. You keep comparing yourself to the ancestors, mainly me, and by doubting yourself, you're not letting yourself grow as you should. It's time you left the past behind and moved on. Not just for your sake but for the sake of those around you."
An image of a sleeping form flashed in my mind. "Holly?" She nodded. "What does she have to do with any of this? Kris, you mean everything to me. I love you with everything there is in me. How can you expect me to just forget about the time we shared together and the pain I felt when we were apart?"
"I'm not expecting you to forget. The past is what molds a person to be what they are in the present. What I'm saying though, is that you shouldn't be dreaming about what could have been… Wishing for things to be different. To always second-guess and wonder if I'd do what you were doing now. You're in a vulnerable position as it is and you need to trust your instinct. Stop with this looking back. You remind me of him."
I didn't need any explanation as to whom she was referring to. "That was way low Kris," I said, hating the comparison between her ex and myself.
"I know it was but if you get the point of what I'm trying to say, then it's worth it. At the rate you're going, you'll always be looking back and that's not going to get you very far. Let go of me. You don't need my help anymore."
I was quiet for a bit as I stared into her eyes for any hint of emotion, anything to tell me what she was feeling. "What are you saying?"
"You've come a long way since I saw you in the alleyway. You've grown up so much and I couldn't be more proud. You've earned the respect of your people, the trust of your comrades, and in today's battle, you proved your worth as a warrior to the enemy. But there's a lot more that you need to learn and the only way you can do it is by learning on your own, without my help or the help of the ancestors."
"But without you, how do I know if I'm doing the right things?"
"Ryan, are you doubting yourself again?"
"Yes, but it's not just that. It's you too. I'm tired of living my life without you. It's bad enough that you aren't physically in my life to support me the way I've always wished. But if I'm getting what you're trying to tell me, you won't be around anymore to help me, even in my thoughts and dreams."
"Not in the way you know, no. I'll always be watching but I can't directly help you out anymore."
"I see." I finally tore my eyes away from her and watched as the sun finally dipped down below the horizon. I felt a peace come onto the earth but none of it touched my soul. My heart was breaking. Again.
Kris spoke again, this time quietly and almost to herself… It was in the ancient language that I'd come to learn, little by little in my education… "Seek Strength, not to be greater than your brother, but to fight your greatest enemy." She turned to me, waiting until I was looking back into her eyes. "Yourself."
She stood up and slowly started walking away from me into the ocean. "Be careful Ryan," she continued speaking in the old tongue. "But always stay honest with yourself and those around you. Until next we meet…"
I watched from where I sat on the cooling sand as she walked further into the water, calmly allowing herself to be swallowed up by the waves. I watched as my own "stone" disappeared in the darkness, my past buried until sometime later in the future when I hoped it would be washed up again…