Gyrating hips and strobe lights filled the world beyond the July 2000 issue of National Geographic. While he flipped through the pages reading about environmental problems in Australia, the rhythmic sounds of Kylie Minogue intoxicated the party-goers as much as the Budweiser kegs were. He tried in vain to shut out the reality and turn to a life not yet lived.
“Ian, would you please put that up?” a young woman’s voice asked loudly, “You’re embarrassing me.”
Ian, the young man buried behind the National Geographic, looked up at the woman before him. Kaitlin’s red hair, tight pink haltertop, and black hip-huggers were more seductive than Kylie Minogue on her best day. Ian could not help but look her up and down as he thought up a witty reply.
“So embarrassing that we can leave?” Ian said, “I’m getting a headache.”
Kaitlin sighed, pulled the National Geographic from Ian’s hands, and sat down on his lap. She gave him a quick kiss and then looked deeply into his green eyes.
“Dear, it’s a party,” Kaitlin said with a smile, “You should be having fun!” “You know me and parties,” Ian replied, “I’m just not a party kinda guy. At least, not this kind of party.”
Kaitlin kissed Ian once more, stood up, and pulled up him, “At least dance with me once.”
Ian frowned as she dragged him out onto the dance floor with much effort. He stood stiff as a tree while Kaitlin started swirling her hips like an Arabian belly dancer. He could easily picture her in a skimpy see-thru costume with cils in her hands performing a private show for him.
“Move!” Kaitlin commanded.
As if on cue, Ian began to move his body. He gyrated his hips a little as Kaitlin had taught him long before, but he could not keep up to speed with her dance. Kaitlin danced like a force of nature, her burning red hair flying all over the place as she made the song, the dance, and the party all hers. She moved in close to Ian, and he could feel her warmth radiate from her like a brush fire. The warmth started to sting and burn. The memories came flooding back. The song of life became a death march. The past invaded the present. Ian stopped and just looked at Kaitlin. She was unaware that anything was wrong. She had closed her eyes as she usually did when she danced. She was gone from him, entranced more so than anyone else. Then, just as quickly as it began, the song was over. Kylie’s voice was heard no more, and the crowd became devoted to the next techno beat on the playlist. This song did not claim Ian and Kaitlin however as they made their way through the people and the lights to the exit.
Cars were parked on the side of the road for the next few blocks as Double Bay joined the rest of Sydney ringing in the new year. Ian and Kaitlin made their way down the hill from the party towards the bay proper. They could see in the distance hundreds of sailboats filling the harbour as the minutes counted down until midnight.
“Two hours to go till the new year,” Kaitlin said as she and Ian finally reached the bay and began to walk onto the dock, “Do you really want to stay here until midnight?” “It’s a pretty night,” Ian replied.
“Well, I heard about a party going on in Vaucluse,” Kaitlin said, “Jessica and Faith are supposed to be there, which means Josh and Russ will be there too.”
Ian grunted a little as he sat down at the end of the dock and looked out towards Clarke Island. Kaitlin remained standing and put her hands on her hips as she stared at him.
“It’s New Year’s, for Christ’s sake!” Kaitlin started, “Can’t we just…”
“You remember,” Ian interrupted, “You remember why.”
“I know, but still,” Kaitlin continued, “Ian, it’s been three years.”
Ian brushed his sandy brown hair out from in front of his eyes as he looked out on the glistening water. The sounds of excitement and merriment filled the air as the entire city banded together to start anew. Life was being renewed once more. The annual ritual of rebirth surrounded them, and yet they were not a part of it. He could not be a part of it, and he couldn’t let her be a part of it either. No more rebirth. The phoenix was fine as it was, no need to delve back into the cradle of fire.
Kaitlin pleaded as she squatted down behind him, “Come with me. We’ll have fun. We’ll dance and mingle and drink. We’ll get wasted if you want, anything to get you over this.”
“That’s the last thing that I want,” Ian said, not turning to look at her, “I don’t want to get wasted. I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to ‘get over this.’ It’s not that easy.”
“It would be if you tried,” Kaitlin said, standing up once more, “Make a little effort. Make the first move. You’d be surprised…”
“No,” Ian replied, shooting vocal-icicles towards her heart.
As Ian looked out on the harbour, he knew that there was no hope. He was sinking in the water of his own making, sinking as she had so long ago. As he stared into the water, he saw Raelie’s black hair entangled in Kaitlin’s red. Their hands reached up for salvation, but only one call for help could be answered. Only one…
“Well, I’m sorry, but I have to move on with my life,” Kaitlin said, turning her back to him and walking away, “If you want to join me, I’ll be at Ginger’s party in Vaucluse. If you’re not there by midnight, I’ll know it’s over.”
As she stepped onto the concrete walkway at the end of the dock, Kaitlin turned back one more time, “If you’re not there at midnight, don’t bother calling me tomorrow, the next day, or ever again.”
With that, she was gone, vanished into the night. Ian did nothing outwardly to acknowledge her departure, but within a storm raged. The past three years rushed through his brain like water through creaking pipes. He could not contain it too much longer. Rust was forming on his surface. The pipes needed to be replaced.
Ian stood up and walked off. His car was only a few meters away from the dock, and he drove off in his blue Saturn with no destination in mind. He gave his heart free rein to do the driving. Ian’s heart drove him first to the Chinese Gardens in Darling Harbour, formerly his favourite place in Sydney. As he paid the entrance fee and walked in, he looked around in awe.
The layered pagoda, the bamboo trees, the arched bridge, everything existed just as it had when he had first entered the ceremonial gates so long ago. She was even there, as she always was.
“Ian, are you coming?” young Raelie asked.
Ian was seven again. Time lost all sense of meaning and purpose. It was his birthday, and Raelie ran up to him, pulling on him to catch up with the others. His mother led the way since she was the most familiar with the Chinese Gardens.
“My mother and I used to go to the gardens all of the time when I was a little girl and Dad was stationed in Hong Kong,” Mrs. Finn, Ian and Raelie’s mother, explained, “I remember always playing around a little soldier statue every time we came. I would sit there for hours dancing around him, talking to him, watching with him.”
Ian, Raelie, Kaitlin, and their friend Josh all tried to tune her out, but whenever Mrs. Finn got started with a story, she didn’t let anyone rest until she was finished. She was walking in front of the children and moved very slowly so that they could not pass her and continue on further into the gardens. Thus, Ian just chomped on his bubble gum, Raelie just twirled her black pigtails, and Josh and Kaitlin just studied their surroundings with feigned interest while Mrs. Finn continued.
“One day, I was dancing around him when I accidentally hit the soldier and knocked him down. When he broke, I cried and cried. I thought they were going to take me to jail or something,” Mrs. Finn continued, “The caretaker of the garden, an old Chinese woman in her eighties, came around and found what had happened. She bent down so that we were eye to eye and said in Cantonese, ‘Wipe your tears, little child. What is done is done. Life will go on around you as it always does. Just remember that in life, we sometimes destroy that which we love without intending to. Our responsibility is to pick up the pieces and move on with greater caution and more love.’”
Ian muttered, “Whatever,” under his breath as he and Josh ran off to chase a frog that they saw next to the pond in the middle of the garden.
Just as quickly as it began, reality changed once more, and Ian was back in the present, the past but a distant memory. He walked out of the Chinese Gardens quickly and returned to his parked car. Once he was behind the black steering wheel, he lay his head down on the wheel and tried to remember how to breathe again.
“So long ago,” Ian muttered to himself, “So long ago, and yet so close.”
Finally, after a minute of calming reflection, he sat up, cranked up the car, and let his heart steer him to another place in Sydney. This time, he did not have far to go. His heart carried him to Dawes Point Park underneath the Harbour Bridge. Unlike the Chinese Gardens, this was not a place of quiet reflection. Rather, it was packed with tourists and Sydney-siders alike, all anxiously awaiting the dawn of the new year. Even up on the hill, children were perched on the dark cannons pointed out to the harbour. It was just as it had been before, all those years ago.
“Ian, are you coming?” Raelie asked once more.
This time, Ian was twelve, but the characters were all the same. Raelie, Kaitlin, Josh, and his parents were all sitting on the hill underneath the bridge looking out onto the harbour. Ian quickly caught up with them and followed suit. The glistening waters reflected the bright sunlight and enthralled them all, fooled them into believing that they were safe.
“The whales!” Josh leapt up, pointing out at the water, “Do you see them?”
Everyone stood up and stared out past the throngs of people gathered at the railing. They looked out to the harbour and discovered two smooth black fins sticking out of the water.
“Right there, there they are!” Kaitlin cried, “I can’t believe it!”
“Have there ever been whales in the harbour before?” Raelie asked her mother.
“Not that I can remember,” Mrs. Finn replied, “It’s certainly a rarity if there have been. The water usually isn’t the right temperature for the whales, and they usually swim hundreds of kilometers from shore.”
“It’s wonderful!” Kaitlin cried, “I love whales! Did you know that sperm whales have the largest brain of any animal or that some whales sleep on the surface of the water? Didya know? Huh? Ian?”
Ian heard her but did not acknowledge her words. His attention was focused on the waves that the whales were making as they breached. The water rushed across their smooth surface as they rose out of the depths, seeking to remain with the rest of the water. The harbour knew as well as he did that the whales did not belong there. They were out of place, but it had to deal with the whales’ presence as if nothing was wrong, as if nothing was amiss, as if the world was as it should be.
The whales were gone now. They all were. It was night again, and it was New Year’s once more. The memory had passed. Ian was back with the revelers in the celebration of the new year. He quickly separated himself from the crowd and made his way back to his car. The night was still young, plenty of gas still flowed through the tank, and Ian’s heart directed him to another location. This time, he found himself at Oxford Street at the culmination of his life. The scene was the same as it had been all those years ago, another lifetime for Ian.
“Ian, are you coming?” Raelie asked again.
It was now three years ago to the very day. The parties pulsed beyond all of the walls lining Oxford Street, and partygoers spilled out onto the streets, smelling of cheap liquor, cigarettes, and other rancid odors. Josh and his new boyfriend Russ led Raelie, Ian, and Kaitlin through the crowds towards the Stonewall, one of the most popular bars in town. They still had two hours to go before midnight, and all intended to loosen up and have some fun to ring in the new year.
“This is great!” Raelie said loudly, fighting to be heard over the music booming from the speakers.
Ian nodded and smiled in approval as he took another sip of his bottle of Foster’s. Josh and Russ had found their way to the dance floor and were moving their hips to the latest trance mix from BT. They danced together for a moment before motioning for Raelie to join them on the steaming crowded dance floor. She fought her way through and danced in between the two guys, shaking her hips in reckless abandon.
“Don’t you think you’ve had too much to drink?” Kaitlin leaned in to Ian and asked.
Ian turned to her and replied, “I’m just getting started,”
Ian pulled Kaitlin onto the dance floor, and they began moving to the beat. Kaitlin was a pro. She moved her body as if it had been designed for that purpose. Her red hair flew all over the place, adding to the already existing heat in the cramped dancing space.
“You dance like a straight guy!” Josh joked after the song was over and everyone had made their way back over to the bar, “Big tip, your body is actually supposed to move when you dance.”
“Ah, bite me!” Ian replied, picking up his Foster’s once more.
“Hey, guys, I just had a great idea!” Russ said, “My parents have a boat on a dock in Double Bay. We could take it out into the harbour and watch the fireworks!”
If Ian knew then what he would two hours into the future, he would have put his foot down and said no. As it was, the night was young, everyone was full of liquor, and they were up for anything. Within thirty minutes, the group walked across the dock to a small white sailboat. Josh had insisted on picking up a bottle of New Zealand chardonnay, a corkscrew, and five glasses on the way, so everyone sat back and sipped on chardonnay while Russ untied the boat from the dock and maneuvered the boat out into the harbour.
Russ joined the rest of the group when the boat was a hundred meters from the island on which Fort Denison sat. Ian knew that he was highly intoxicated. His head buzzed as it never had before, and the smallest things such as the moon’s reflection in the water fascinated him to no end. Josh and Russ had cuddled up kissing, and Raelie had dragged Kaitlin up to her feet to dance.
“Raelie, dear, I don’t think this is the best place for dancing,” Kaitlin protested, trying to free her hands from Raelie’s grasp.
“Nonsense!” Raelie laughed, “Everywhere’s a good place to dance, especially on the water! Don’t you know that humpback whales love to jump and dance in the water to their mating songs?”
“Please, don’t get the marine biologist started on whales again,” Ian playfully moaned, “You know how she is, especially when she’s drunk.”
“Bitch, bitch, bitch,” Raelie joked.
As Raelie began moving her hips wildly and throwing her arms into the air, Kaitlin warned, “Hun, I think you’ve had too much to drink. Look, just sit down and…”
Ian remembered the moment as if he was there once again. He had relived it so many times that the details were concrete in his mind. With one wrong move, with one misstep, with one fall, the world would change forever. Ian heard the splash before he realized what was going on. All he knew was that Raelie wasn’t there anymore and that Kaitlin’s shoes were sinking beneath the water.
“Rae! Katie!” Ian screamed as he burst out of his seat and leaned over the side of the boat.
He could see nothing but the shimmer of the moonlight disturbed by waves. A few people in the boats around them actually understood what was going on, but most were so drunk that they thought it was a joke or a harmless prank. As the waves started clearing a bit, Ian could see hair, two kinds. Raelie’s black hair was entangled in Kaitlin’s red hair as they struggled towards the surface. Ian shot his hand down into the water, and Josh and Russ did the same, trying to grab onto the two girls. If he had been sober, things might have been different. If he had been sober, he might have thought to grab the life preserver under the seat. If he had been sober, he might have gotten Kaitlin’s hand quicker. As they pulled Kaitlin up, Raelie’s black hair disappeared further down into the water until it finally disappeared. All three of the guys leapt into the water to try to find her, but her body only came up when the police divers rescued it from the harbour. Josh was fined for not making everyone wear life jackets and for operating a sailboat while intoxicated. Kaitlin was checked out by the ambulance crew and released with only mild side effects. Ian was condemned to hell by his heart for letting his sister die.
As Ian drove up, he thought about Raelie. He could remember her shining face as if it was right before him. Her blue eyes shimmered like the water with the moonlight reflecting off it. Her black hair flowed like the ocean currents at the bottom of the sea. Her smooth skin disturbed the water as the whales had. She was not supposed to be there, but the harbour had claimed her as its own. The harbour dealt with her as if nothing was amiss. Ian put his hand on the door and began to turn the knob. He had dealt with Raelie for three years as if nothing was amiss. While there was still a great deal to work out, as he turned the knob, opened the door, and walked into the party in Vaucluse to find Kaitlin, Ian knew that he had made the first step, the hardest one of all.