Jokes that might offend...
Don't tell anyone you found em here!
To My Dear Wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 12 times.
The following list is why I didn't often succeed.
1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times
2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times
4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times
5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times
8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes
9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times
11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times
13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times
14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times
15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times
Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2
times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack
in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2
times I had to wake you up to tell you
that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt
you move.
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To My Dear Husband,
I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real
reasons you did not get it more often than you did.
1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat. . . . . . 15 times
2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
3. Did not come. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times
4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . .4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . .3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . .3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . .16 times
15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because
you were fucking thesheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the
ceiling. What I said
was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you felt me move
was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!
> 4 KINDS OF SEX
>
> HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house
> in every room.
>
> BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex
> in the bedroom.
>
> HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just
> pass each other in the hall and say, "FUCK YOU"
>
> COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court
> in front of lots of people for every penny you've got.
A woman walks into a butcher shop, and asks the man behind the counter
for a Long Island Duck. The man grabs a duck off the hanger and hands it to
the woman. She sticks her finger up the duck's ass, and says "This duck is
a Nebraska duck!!" The butcher takes the duck back, and hands her another
one. She sticks her finger up the new duck's ass and exclaims "This duck is
a Montana duck!!" The butcher takes the duck back, and hands the woman
another. She sticks her finger in the duck's ass and gleefully says "Now
that's a Long Island Duck! You must be new around here, butcher - Where are
you from?" With that, the butcher drops his pants, and sticks his ass in
front of the woman exclaiming "YOU TELL ME!!"