- Mad Cow Disease
- > Where is it written that Americans invented fire first?
>
VD> Right here: Americans invented fire first.
VD> Hope this helps.
>
Americans invented that during the Revolutionary War. The soldiers were
told "Fire first - don't let them get the drop on you!" This tended to
wipe out some friendly forces, but what the Hey, we won, didn't we?
- Mommy, mommy I don't want to see Grandpa!
Shut up, kid, and keep digging!
- Mummy, Mummy I've just been graped !
Don't be silly dear, you mean 'raped' don't you.
No, there was a bunch of them !
- Mommy, mommy, what's a vampire?
Shut up and drink your soup before it clots.
- Q: What did Jesus tell the Mexicans before he was crucified?
A: "Don't do anything til I get back..."
- A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving
up beside her, he shouts out the window, "Pull over!"
No," she shouts back, "Pair of socks!"
- I was helping a friend (yes I admit it, I have an Induhvidual for a
friend) set up her new computer. It was a desktop model, so I naturally
placed it on top of her desk in the traditional setup. A few minutes
after I had installed the software, she complained that she wished she
had bought a tower pc instead of the desktop computer as it took up too
much space on her desk. I promptly took the computer off the desk,
flipped it on its side and placed it on the floor. She then looked at
me in amazement and asked,"You can do that?"
(Editor's Note: An easy way to make some extra money is by offering to
upgrade Induhvidual's desktop computers to tower configurations.)
- I asked her, "When you shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?"
She said smuggly, "No, they can still hear."
- A friend of mine works at a large insurance company as a sysadmin. He
informed his boss that the boss's hard disk needed to be "balanced."
My friend gave his boss a program which writes "weight files" on
carefully computed spots on the disk, so that the balanced disk will run
smoother. The boss distributed the program among the employees and
ordered them to regularly have their hard disks balanced.
- The three stages of sex for a man:
1. Tri-weekly
2. Try weekly
3. Try weakly
- Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
They fight tooth and nail!
- "Doctor, I believe I have amnesia."
"Well, go on home and try to forget about it!"
- A patient was complaining to his nurse, "I hate this place. They
treat us like dogs."
The nurse replied, "That's not true. Now, roll over!"
- How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?
You wouldn't know because you weren't there, man, you weren't there!
- >:>:I thought a lobotomy was a prerequisite for Austrailian citizenship. At
>:>:least, that's what the told me.
>: It's not lobotomy, it's a shrimp. "Put another shrimp on the barbie".
>: A lobotomy is a big red crustacean, about a foot long, but much meaner
>: than a foot. It can chop off your finger. A shrimp is much smaller.
>: Geez, some people are such ignoramuseseseseses.
>Double Geez! It's a prawn, not a shrimp...that was just Paul Hogan selling
>out to the US's limited vocabulary!...and it's especially dangerous when
>backed up by a rook or knight.
Don't come the raw pawn with me.
- Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.
- Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
- Two rabbits were pursued by two foxes and took refuge in the hollow stump
of a tree. The foxes laid seige. Time marched on, but the foxes stood by
waiting for their prey to emerge.
"What on earth'll we do?" asked the lady rabbit. Her gentleman answered:
"It looks like we'll just have to stay here until we outnumber them."
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