ENTRY 3

Right now, Kelli Marie and I are at a very awkward stage in our relationship. I no longer have any doubts, but unfortunately, she does. I guess all I can do is be patient, while she sorts things through. This is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. The threat of losing her is a constant ache. But, regardless of what people might think I am not putting on some kind of 'act' to win her back. This is me, and my love is not going to disappear next month, next year, or years from now. Nor will my attraction to her disappear. She is a very beautiful woman, and I could spend hours just admiring her (although that might make her uncomfortable to have someone staring at her for hours). I know we both have insecurities, but sometimes you have to rely on trust to deal with them and to make it through another day.

I have included two songs this week. The chorus of the first song is pretty descriptive of the way I feel. My heart has a hole that cannot be filled by drinking, wrestling, or football, and especially not by someone else. There is only one person that can fill that hole. And if you need a hint, this web page is dedicated to her.

• Hole Hearted

This song reminded me of Kelli also. By more than words, I'm not talking about sex. Although there is nothing wrong with sex, and it is very enjoyable, I am just talking about actions speaking louder than words sometimes. For example, I still have the birthday card Kelli gave me in June sitting on my bookcase next to my bed. I guess situations are reversed now at her birthday. The card reads: I don't suppose a birthday hug would be much of a present for you. It would be more like a present for me! And it is very true of how I feel.

• More Than Words

ENTRY 4

If you've had anxieties before, you know that sometimes they can take over. I should apologize for getting emotional about our situation. I know that neither Kelli Marie nor I have been in this situation before, and I'm sure that my reluctance to stand aside doesn't make it any easier either. I don't intentionally try to make things difficult, I just want to understand. I guess all I can do is let the cards fall where they may, as they say. After all, not only is a new year around the corner, but also a new millenium. What could be a better time to have a new beginning?

I hope you don't mind my journal-type web page. Or the songs I include. I have loved music all of my life, and have always found it a way to express myself. Maybe one day I will be able to put my own words into a song, or poem, but until then, I guess I'll just have to keep borrowing other people's work. That being said, here are a few more selections from Collective Soul. The reason I include multiple songs sometimes is because they are on the same album. If you're wondering why so much Collective Soul, it's because they are a good mellow band with some good lyrics. Most of my CDs are hard rock, and the lyrics would not quite apply to my feelings.

• In a Moment
• Burning Bridges
• All

ENTRY 5

Back in Entry #2 I mentioned insecurities and said I would add to that later. Well Kelli Marie, I guess this is later! This week I will write a little about my insecurities, and as a result why I've always drank so much. As most people know, I was always a short, skinny, nerdy kid with glasses. This lasted from 3rd grade to 9th or 10th grade. After that it was the same story, except that I was no longer a short kid. And it sure didn't help my social skills that I went to an all boys high school. How can you be confident and sure of yourself when you don't get a date until college? Then, when I went to college, I discovered beer and liquor! What a great thing. You can get sauced and lose all inhibitions. And there you have it. I could actually approach new people and talk to them. I could speak up, and not be deathly afraid to draw attention to myself. After all, I would not even raise my hand in class most of the time because I was afraid that I would give the wrong answer, or ask a stupid question, and then everyone would think I was an idiot. Anyway, I was a very insecure kid all throughout grade school and high school, and on into college. Drinking was the perfect way to cover up those insecurities. So, I would focus on school or work when necessary, but otherwise I would be partying it up all during the week and non-stop on the weekends. This continued for many years - essentially all throughout college, unemployment, job hunting, and even into my current job. Only relatively recently did I discover that I don't have to drink to hide my inner self. You have to face insecurities head on, and by doing that you can start to gain self-confidence and self-esteem. It is far too easy to avoid or hide your feelings. The real challenge is in dealing with them stone cold sober when you can face reality.

So you might be wondering, how many songs can he come up with? That's a good question. I don't know, but I still have a few more up my sleeve. I guess when I run out, I will just have to attach something else. We'll see how good I am at this web publishing thing when that time rolls around. These two are from Robert Plant. The first one is just a fun one. I'm your 'Tall Cool One' baby, yeah! (Said like Austin Powers). The second song is one I've always liked, and hopefully you will too if you haven't heard it before.

• Tall Cool One
• Ship of Fools

ENTRY 6

Why is it that guys essentially hate the word 'feelings'? I guess it's mainly a macho thing. You're not supposed to talk about such things - especially with other guys. That makes it tough though. Some of us are lucky to have a best friend with whom these conversations can occur. But best friends aren't always around. When they move away, who is supposed to take their place? Sure, there are other good friends, maybe even 'best' friends, but how can you talk about such things without starting back at square one? Especially when they are way more uncomfortable with it than you, and really don't want anything to do with such personal feelings and emotions. There is no simple answer. The easy way out would be to just slide down a path of drinking and self-destruction. But, as I know, it only pushes the turmoil further into the future. Drinking will not solve problems, just make you forget about them. Sometimes it helps to forget about them, at least temporarily, but in the long run this will only compound the problems. So I'm afraid you have to do it the hard way. First off is to confront your emotions head on, whether by family, friends, therapy, self-help books, a journal, or cheesy web pages (such as this). If you have no one to talk to in this situation, writing things down can often help clear your head. Second is to channel the whirlwind of emotions into something constructive. For me, there is nothing better than working out at the gym. I should go more than I do, but 3 days a week will get some frustrations out of my system. Whether it's depression, anger, sadness, anxiety, or whatever, you can focus it into working out, and if you channel it right, not only will you exorcise some negative emotions, but you will also improve your health and well-being at the same time. That being said, I can only continue to focus on constructive activities and keep a positive outlook. As I told one of my friends one time, watch out, if I ever stop working out, I have probably given up.

I hope this journal is not too emotional and depressing Kelli Marie, but it is essentially what is going on in my crazy head. And no, it's not a bright and sunny place. I'll try to make it a little more positive in the future, but I'm not going to make things up. This page coincides with my real life emotions, and I won't apologize for my feelings. If it becomes a drag, just tell me to move on with my life, and I'll stop adding entries. As you'll notice, I didn't include a song this time. I know you're busy, and probably already have a backlog. Maybe I'll add another one next time.

ENTRY 7

Inspired from previous entry:

Kelli is the only one who can mend my broken heart!

ENTRY 8

As I said in Entry 6, I'm going to try to be a little more positive. Well, I believe the easiest way for me to me positive is to talk about Kelli Marie, and what is positive about her life. I know she hasn't been too positive about her job and life lately, and seems to be at a crossroads in her life. First of all, it's kind of funny that I'm talking about being positive. I really don't know what Kelli saw in me when we first started going out. I was working in the FedEx hub with a Master's degree and was one of the most negative and down-on-life people you could find. Things did finally turn around and I managed to get out of the hub, and get a decent job. I'll always be grateful to Kelli for sticking with me, especially when I would have to get up at the crack of dawn to go to work on Sundays, and hate every minute of it. But, back to the subject. Kelli has a lot of positives going for her, although she might not always realize it. First of all, there is her family. Although there is always the problem child (Kathy), Kelli has a wonderful mother, and great brother who will always be there for her. She also has two beautiful nieces up north who will always want to come spend time with their Aunt Kelli. Second, there are all of her friends that care about her. Although I haven't met all of her friends, I have met several, and I know they all care about her very much, and want the best for her. And believe me I know. When I was screwing up and drinking too much, several of them told Kelli to get rid of me. Some probably still recommend it. Third is the person she is. I know she is often self-critical, but from where I'm standing, she is a very beautiful, intelligent, and strong-willed woman who can accomplish anything she puts her mind to. It shouldn't be so easy to see the negatives, when there are so many positives. Fourth, there is her weird ex-boyfriend who writes a cheesy web page about her and who would do anything to make her happy. Fifth, and although she might disagree, is her job. I know it has been the source of much anguish and anxiety, but there are some positives. It has given her good job experience at managing a company and employees, making sales, performing accounting and bookkeeping work, and learning various computer skills. It has also paid her reasonably well over the past several years. Although she may not always think so, she has a lot going for her, and she shouldn't let life get her down!

The first time I broke up with Kelli Marie, it was a case of Don't know what you've got, 'til it's gone. Unfortunately, the second time I knew, but I was just too scared of my emotions. This last time, I knew all too well, but then again, it wasn't my idea. If it ever works out for us, this time will be more like I'll never let you go!, because there's nothing that can brighten my day more, than When I see you smile Kelli!

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