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The other day in the store I saw a husband verbally ambushing his wife with comments like, "You are so stupid." and "Why would you want that?" It's hard to believe that a couple can go on that way.
A marriage counselor said this: "If you have been in your relationship for over two years, you share the credit 50/50 for what your relationship is now." Even though it's hard to swallow, the point is that a long-term relationship becomes what both partners allow it to become.
Time is an ally or a foe to a lasting marriage. Today's actions shape the future of the relationship. A marriage is like a bank account. We make deposits or withdrawals, but in the end we have only what we've put in to the relationship.
Marriage holds the potential for long-lasting happiness. But human nature brings the possibility of suffering as well. It's tragic to see couples who have been married for years who merely seem to tolerate one another or have become strangers to each other. How can this tragedy be avoided?
A successful long-term committed relationship takes two. A bicycle needs to have its wheels turning or leaning in the same direction to stay up. The forward momentum and gyroscopic balance of the spinning wheels provide a bike's stability. In marriage, we both need to be progressing in the same direction or else we fall.
Direction
Couples allow their relationship to become distant by choosing different directions. Every action either draws a couple together or apart. Nurturing love through attentiveness, empathy and mutual enjoyment are activities that build lasting love over time.
Actions that create distance in a relationship are typically self-focussed, such as an over-emphasis on career, obsessive hobbies, or personality disorders. Any activity that leads away from the relationship has the potential over time to create a chasm in the marriage.
In the same way tiny annoyances can add up to insurmountable barriers. A husband or wife who picks at a partner's faults virtually never recognizes his or her scrutiny as the problem. Critical comments, sarcasm and negativity are tiny nudges that eventually pull a couple apart. Annoyance is the beam in the eye of the beholder.
Being easily offended is the other side of the same problem. Not being easily provoked and being easy to entreat are two vital characteristics of charity. Thick skin is a great defense against imagined, deliberate or unintentional offenses.
I'll share a personal note about character. When I look back at myself 10 years ago, I don't think I got along well with others. I was opinionated, judgmental and impatient. I hope I've grown a lot since then.
I recognized my feelings about others were wrong. I prayed for the love of Christ, and to be patient, full of love and all long suffering. I have come to appreciate how every person is different. I hope that anyone who knows me now might see me in much kinder light.
One thing I learned is that our feelings are betrayed in our looks and words. Animosity for others shows on the most instinctive level of perception. If we feel it, we won't be able to hide it. It's better to mend our own hearts and get rid of angry responses.
Another important lesson is to value the diversity between people. Appreciate the differences between you and your spouse. He or she will never be a replica of your expectations. Hoping for the impossible is a set-up for disappointment.
Martin Luther said, "We are always looking for those who are worthy of our love and constantly complain that our love is not appreciated. The love of God does not seek for loveable people; rather God, by loving people, makes the unloveable loveable."
If we assume that a spouse is supposed to fulfill our needs we'll miss the point of marriage. Marriage isn't an institution for perfect pairs; rather it's a university where normal people may learn Christ like love. The key is not finding the ideal mate but learning to have perfect love.
Both momentum and direction are necessary to keeping the wheels of a marriage going. There are lots of positive ways a couple can improve its relationship. The way we spend our time together has a lot to do with our long-term happiness in marriage.
Growing Closer
The Homefront commercial series depicted couples in different stages of life with the slogan, "Remember the times you drew together instead of apart." A main reason that people get engaged and married is because they enjoy being together. In the hectic lives following "I do," happy times are too often overlooked.
I smile at Dr. Dobson's picture of courtship after marriage: "The chase is never over." Married couples need to court each other as if still trying to win one another's hearts. On our Friday night dates, sometimes I ask my wife questions as if turning the calendar back six years. "Would you marry me if I were to tell you we'd someday be parents to this fascinating baby?" or "If you were to see us together now, would you go out with me?"
Sharing and treasuring each other's interests is important to joyful companionship. Going separate directions for enjoyment doesn't do the trick. Dr. Steve Harley of MarriageBuilders.com suggests that it's good for couples to spend their leisure activities together, rather than finding ways to enjoy time apart. Here is a link to Dr. Harley's article:
Why
Should a Couple Plan to Be with Each Other When They Are the Happiest?
By Dr. Steve Harley
A husband and wife are together in virtually every aspect of life. This includes ups and downs, better or worse. The key is to grow closer through love, empathy and understanding. It's easy to build wonderful associations during the good times. The challenge is to draw together for strength while facing difficult challenges.
Problem Solving
A lumber dealer demonstrated how an upright 2-by-4 board by itself will support a certain amount of weight. But when you connect two 2-by-4s side by side, their load capacity is squared rather than doubled. Together as husband and wife, our synergy is greater than our combined individual strengths. Commitment is the bond that gives spouses greater strength to deal with life's stresses.
Laughter is great medicine for marriage. But ennobling humor never demeans another. Amusement is best enjoyed together, rather than at one's expense. It is good when we can each laugh at ourselves.
How we give and receive suggestions affects a couple's harmony. A spirit of willingness gives stability to a marriage. Husbands and wives will do well to pitch in and help, rather than try to divide household labors.
Flexibility is a valuable asset for any relationship. In marriage it is vital. For a person's individual growth he or she needs the freedom of self-determination. Respect requires making adjustments for different personalities. We often have to sacrifice personal preferences for the greater good.
Along with flexibility we need patience. We make allowance for shortcomings, not merely tolerating, but accepting each other as a complete package. We appreciate our husband or wife as a unique individual. A faultfinding, critical attitude is a form of rejection that, regardless of intentions, does not foster character growth.
Positive Focus
Maturity is a great gift to any marriage. Together a husband and wife can grow out of selfish attitudes while they nurture one another. As the relationship develops, spouses learn to nurture with Christian love, while gaining understanding from each other's perspective.
Love is faith, hope and charity. Faith lets us believe in our loved
one's eternal potential. Hope allows us to see the good in him or her.
And charity gives us a kind eye that allows us to have Christ like love
for each other.
Reading Shelf
Forever
Love: 119 Ways to Keep Your Love Alive
by Gary Smalley
Well-known counselor and author Gary Smalley gives scriptural advice
that is as timeless as it is concrete and useable in every-day life. It
was while reading Smalley's word pictures that I realized love can be simple
and straightforward. Forever Love offers 119 ways to husbands and
wives to keep their love alive -- forever.
Finding
Contentment
by Neil Clark Warren
Dr. Neil Clark Warren shares five get-to-know-yourself-better steps
designed to uncover the real you and help you find lifelong serenity. You'll
learn why, from the moment you're born, you were programmed with the conflicting
messages of pleasing self versus pleasing others--and you'll learn how
to reconcile the two. Dr. Warren also helps you take stock of your personal
values system--the often overlooked foundation for an authentic life. Along
with surprising ways to put aside the pseudo-you comes a practical vision
for stepping into the genuine you that's been hidden for so long.
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