Do you believe in love at first sight? I don’t, and if you don’t mind sticking around a while, I’ll tell you why.
Our media uses instant impressions to represent ideas like love. We see a version of visual shorthand: two pairs of eyes meet across a crowded room, showing how the owners’ hearts are destined for each other. Or soul mates finally meet, knowing virtually nothing about each other. As the end credits cross the screen, we are led to believe their future relationship will be one of never-ending bliss.
Beauty is a double-edge sword that cuts deeply into our society’s consciousness. It has virtually nothing to do with love, yet it occupies a lot of our thought and steals most of the attention. Our obsession with attractiveness runs like a background operating system. We’re hardly aware how it shapes our thoughts and distorts our judgement.
The idea of attraction draws in two parallel distortions. One is the idea of gratification--that someone else can satisfy our needs. Possessiveness is another way that obsessing over looks is distorted. Both of these falsehoods cause major disruption to caring relationships.
Obsession with attraction on one hand is lust. A focus on beauty makes objects out of people. And when it’s turned inward, as beauty fixation, it is vanity. There is a proper place for being concerned with proper grooming and hygiene, but it isn’t in either of these extremes.
Sudden attraction is infatuation, which by its very nature is short-lived. It eventually fades to commonplace. When the attraction-based relationship becomes ordinary lust begins searching outside of the relationship for gratification elsewhere. I think this is one of the reasons so many Hollywood matches are doomed.
Attraction has a purpose, bringing hearts together long enough to build a real relationship. But attraction by itself isn’t a substantial foundation to build lasting love. Love lets us find a deeper appreciation of the character, values and personality of the other, appreciating him or her for a culmination of positive traits. This gives us room to be patient with ones’ faults, rather than resent that our loved one doesn’t measure up to the ideal of perfection we had placed upon him or her.
What is the proper place for attraction?
Beauty has its place, if we can relax our expectations and ignore the media’s image of perfection. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If we recognize our Creator in each person, we will begin to see the beauty in every individual. We can find admirable traits in every individual, whether or not we share a deep relationship.
Affection seems to stir out of physical and emotional attraction. It can be turned on and off seemingly at will. Beauty is an arbitrary measurement. What may be attractive to one person may mean nothing to someone else. There really isn’t such a thing as absolute beauty. It just makes sense to recognize that we all come with a mix of admirable and undesirable traits.
"If thou must love me, let it be for nought, except for love’s sake only." In the 14th Sonnet from the Portuguese, Elizabeth Barrett Browning dismisses several traits, such as a smile, a look or way of speaking. "For these things in themselves … may be changed, or change for thee--and love, so wrought, may be unwrought so."
How often have you heard of married couples tiring of, and turning against the very traits that attracted them to each other? It makes more sense to find new reasons to fall in love with my wife every day. In a recent newsletter article, Dr. James C. Dobson wrote, "In the best marriages, the chase is never really over."
We should express our admiration often for our
loved ones. If our compliments are sincere, specific and frequent, they
will never need to question our love.
Dr. James C. Dobson deals with relationship issues with straightforward advice for couples. In Love Must Be Tough he looks at the necessity for respect for marriage and family life. The book gives new hope for families in crisis.
Straight Talk spells out what men should know and women need to understand. Dr. Dobson sorts through men’s and women’s roles in clear, inspiring messages.
You can find Dr. Dobson’s double volume, Love Must Be Tough/Straight Talk, and read 5-star customer reviews, at Amazon.com.