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When a woman becomes emotional and turns inward, a man might turn around and walk away. At a vulnerable time for both of them, each withdraws into a separate world, rather than drawing together for strength and understanding. Both feel hurt by what they perceive to be the other's rejection. It's at times like these when a change of heart is needed.
One woman struggled with her expectations with each man she dated. She had what she called, "feelings of wrongness," even when nothing was wrong in the relationship. She felt that if she were in love, those feelings wouldn't exist. Maybe, she thought, it wasn't meant to be....
Then she began to have a change of heart. She wondered if her feelings might be due to her inner fears, rather than to the rightness of the relationship. After professional counseling, much sharing and prayer, she had a better understanding of some underlying issues, but she still hadn't overcome her concerns.
Eventually her expectations evolved. No person would ever have all of the best characteristics she had categorized from all the men she dated--ever. But she could have a wonderful relationship with the person she admired. She reasoned, "I don't see any reason why God wouldn't want us to be together." She continued to pray that her heart would be softened.
Something inside finally changed that is difficult to describe. "Once I knew it was right," she said, "I knew that the feelings of wrongness would go away." She sought for and prayed for Christ's love to fill her heart. That may be the main key. She relates that once she was settled in her heart, she would never turn back in doubt. She is now happily married.
A friend of mine wrote about the change of heart he experienced.
"My marriage has been absolutely wonderful as I have committed myself from my heart to love my wife for who she is. I didn't always have this commitment when we were courting prior to marriage, and it caused me a great deal of turmoil of mind and spirit."
"Is she really the one for me?" he asked repeatedly, noting any shortcoming or attribute that did not quite meet his expectations. Doubts magnified his fiance's undesirability in his heart. Then, in a vivid dream, he realized, "No matter who I was with, because of my critical attitude, I would not be completely satisfied but would feel like somehow somewhere out there is someone better for me."
A few days later, the words and tune of a song about acceptance came to him. He said, "Somehow, composing that song clicked a switch in my heart. From that point forward there were no more questions. I was ready to commit my heart fully to my bride, and we have had a marvelous relationship."
One reader stresses the importance of forgiveness to relationships. "I think that many relationships are broken or discarded because of the lack of forgiveness." Charity is the simplest precept, most fundamental to gospel-centered living. And yet learning to love can be the most difficult challenge.
My wife's sister seems to be blessed with a superior angelic acceptance of others. She is one of the sweetest, most beautiful people anywhere. She treats everyone with genuine compassion and soft kindness. I'm convinced that she doesn't experience the unkind feelings that normal people like you and I probably struggle with.
Sharon, a reader, says, "Fear is really a tool that Satan uses so that we don't experience life the way God desires us to. Where there is faith, there is not fear. Fear and faith cannot live in the same place."
A favorite verse encourages us to "Pray unto the
Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love,
which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of His Son, Jesus
Christ." God is the Source of true love. And He is generous to give a change
of heart to those who sincerely seek it in faith.
"When we forgive, we set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner we set free is us."
Lewis B. Smedes is the a Author of The Triumphant
Marriage and Make Anger Your Ally. In The
Art of Forgiving Smedes shows how forgiveness is a way of healing.
He outlines the many subtleties involved in forgiveness, such as distinguishing
anger from hate, and noting that we only forgive those we blame (including
ourselves).
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