Several readers have voiced concerns like this: I am trying to be patient and practice charity and love toward others. But how can I find a partner to build a life with on this earth? Any suggestions or ways you have found to cope, lose the desire and/or focus for a marriage partner, eliminate the pain and grow stronger and move ahead with life? It seems as if everyone around is paired off with a significant other--everyone else, that is. These are some of the frustrations felt by many singles.

Belief is an important factor in accepting new possibilities. A person who believes, "I'll never be married" has a lot less chance than the person who believes, "Someday, I'll find someone who can share my joy and values in marriage." Even though the difference is subtle, the results can be dramatic.

Statistics are very encouraging for a person who is not yet married. The number of single adults who never marry is low--from 5 to 7 percent, depending on the demographics surveyed. To believe that you are in that hopeless margin requires more faith than believing you are one of the 93 to 95 percent of people who will someday marry.

Combined with belief, our desires create a hopeful outlook. Most people want the fulfillment of a meaningful relationship, even when it means commitment, sacrifice and a lot of effort. In fact most people seem to understand that it's worth any effort to find and maintain lasting love. The question then becomes, where and how do you find it?

My wife and I are both a bit more serious than ordinary folks. I felt that dating was a job, and I needed to put in the time if I ever expected to see the results. Robin felt that dating was a commandment, and God expected her to be actively involved in meeting and someday finding her husband (in this case, moi). In our own ways, each of us made the effort to meet singles and learn about ourselves and others in lots of relationships. We actually continued dating others long after we met, becoming serious about our relationship 2 years after becoming acquainted. Even though dating can be a chore, a positive attitude will help make it enjoyable.

Sometimes love comes when you're looking the other way. By being actively involved in worthwhile dreams and goals, you invite yourself to the banquet of life. It's usually there that you find love comes not as a side dish, but as a surprise main course. Do the things you enjoy where there are other people. Do you have favorite places where you like to go? Solitude doesn't count. Dances, malls, parks and libraries are promising places to meet someone new.

What about Chat rooms? I must admit, I entered the Internet late, so I've never chatted in cyberspace. I've heard enough to caution. A person might misrepresent himself to make a good impression, or for any other motive. But if you're experienced in this sort of thing, some of you might want to get together in a common forum. Look for a chat theme that truly interests you, and be yourself.

If you do find someone you think shares similar interests, and you want to meet, take reasonable precautions. Don't give out personal information, and arrange to meet somewhere in public. Also give the relationship lots of time before taking it to different levels.

Another option is networking. Everyone you know knows other people. Use the power of association to broaden your field. My wife and I met because we both asked the same friend if he knew someone nice to meet. If you're open to blind dates and being set up, you open a mystery door to possibility.

Here's some advice on dating. First of all, be yourself. Find similar interests by being genuine about yourself and each other. Try to build a dating pool of 2 to 4 friends you're seeing. This way you can be friends without the pressure of getting serious before the time is right.

Be patient. In a realm of conflicting interests, eliminating the pain doesn't seem to be possible. Aches and disappointments are part of love and life. If it isn't working out with someone, just be open about it. Even though it's hard work, you don't need to be in a hurry to become serious. Be friends and take time to enjoy.

Are you terminally sick of dating? The decision to remain single is up to the individual and should be made in rational moments, not because of rejection or hurt emotions. Some genuinely like themselves and don't need validation from a relationship to feel good about who they are. Healthy self esteem is actually a prerequisite to fulfillment in love. Taking a short sabbatical from love might be the right prescription for a broken heart. Entering into rebound romance usually only compounds the heartache.

There may be personal impediments to building meaningful relationships. My wife addresses some of these topics in Overcoming Obstacles to Love. I'll mention just a couple here. Unrealistic or warped expectations can limit one's openness to experience. People come "as-is." Thinking you'll change the other person to fit your expectations just doesn't work.

Perfect love casts out fear. I think it was General Mac Arthur who said that it's wise to fear, but wise men don't take counsel from their fears. If fear is the only thing holding us back from acting in love, then the truism is accurate--the only thing to fear is fear itself.

Counseling may be a valuable resource, but seek counsel from appropriate sources. These may be available through a company-sponsored Employee Assistance Program (EAP) or through your church social services. Clergy is an ideal first source to which you can turn.

While you're looking for the person you will someday marry, remember they're probably out there looking for you. God can provide the miracle to help you find each other. Put your trust in God and work as if everything depends on you. In the mean time, don't wait pining. Use the time to be your best self. Do it for yourself. Continue to grow and make valuable contributions to the world. Love comes into the love-filled life.
 

Reading Shelf

10 Foolish Dating Mistakes That Men & Women Commit: And How To Avoid Them

by Lila Gruzen, Rebecca Sperber

"Ten Foolish Dating Mistakes" tells you the most common mistakes that turn dates into disasters. Learn how to stop "giving too much too soon" or "focusing too much on looks". Following the techniques and ideas in "Ten Foolish Dating Mistakes" improves the odds of learning how to date, communicate and love in a healthy way.

Find 10 Foolish Dating Mistakes… and read the reviews.
 

And several readers recommend:
I Kissed Dating Goodbye

by Joshua Harris, Rebecca St James

Avoid the trap of feeling you have to be in a romantic relationship to have meaning in your life. I Kissed Dating Goodbye offers an all-new approach to dating relationships. It calls young adults away from playing the dating game.
Synopsis
Offering a new approach to dating relationships, calling young adults away from playing the dating game and revealing how they can live a lifestyle of sincere love, true purity, and purposeful singleness, this book will inspire teens and young adults to remap their romantic lives in the light of God's Word.

Find I Kissed Dating Goodbye and read the reviews.
 
 
 

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