At what magical moment does a relationship become romantic? What is the difference between loving someone and being "in love?" That is what one reader asked in our newsletter Readers' Forum.

At first I thought I had already covered this topic in previous articles. So I went back to read some of the oldies. I was surprised to find that although I refer to several tangent topics like romance, fantasy vs. reality, affection and infatuation--guess what? Nothing there answers the question in a straightforward manner.

I thought I could use one of my lifelines and poll the audience for some insights, but the poll came back blank. By the loudness of the silent response, maybe you're all as stumped as I am. People seem to have their own definitions where love is concerned. And many emotional conflicts and relational dynamics make simple definitions difficult.

There are several parts to this seemingly simple question. What is love, and how is it different in a romantic context? Where is love experienced? Is it intellectual, emotional, physical, spiritual, or some combination of our integrated selves? I would also add, is there any difference? Can love really be anything different than love itself?

Paul advocated love between believers, "Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another." He also said, "Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth." If we practiced this kind of love, setting our sites on eternal matters over temporal concerns, we would treat others equally with compassion, whether or not our relationship is romantic. It is important that our desire to be in love does not become such a focus that we lose sight of what matters most.

In the article What Is Love? we discussed several similar issues. I mentioned that heart, mind and soul were all components of our experience. You can have admiration and respect for another individual, and still be the best of friends without romance.

I remember thinking of my future wife, "Robin is my best friend. If I choose someone to marry I can't think of anyone nicer than her." At the same time, Robin had all the admiration and respect in the world for me, but in her mind we were just good friends. Can you imagine the change of heart that needed to come about before our romance blossomed over the next several years?

I believe that the magic element is the individual will to include the other in his or her life. A person becomes "in love" by choice. The difference between love and being in love is the softening of one's heart to the other. It's a chouce each person really needs to make for him or herself. Obviously, you can not will another person in love with you.

A person in love sees the best in his or her loved one and is able to overlook the other's shortcomings. Being in love, in actuality, doesn't change loving people. It creates a new view of each person for him or herself and for each other. It is like selective sunbeams shining in on our best views, leaving the rest in muted shadows.

The problem with the "in love" focus comes when the cozy feelings are used as a barometer to determine a level of commitment in a relationship. This way of thinking overturns the way love works. It should be the other way around. Loving individuals give tenderly out of their love and commitment for each other. They both contribute to the security and warmth of the relationship and nurture their love for each other.

People "in love" most often become disillusioned because the intense cozy feelings fade away. Once the infatuation has worn off, as it always does, these people suddenly believe they must not have been meant for each other. Otherwise, they would still be feeling the same intensity of love for each other.

I think that being in love is a preparatory emotion that helps people overcome their selfishness long enough to BEGIN loving each other. The infatuation is not the goal. The goal is to sacrifice one's own selfishness, to gain a deeper appreciation and tolerance for the other, and to learn to love with lasting commitment. To be truly in love is to be considerate for your loved one's life-long well being. This kind of love needs to deepen in order for meaningful relationships to last. These are the couples who stay in love.

Do you expect a perfect marriage? People are human and occasionally act carelessly or out of selfishness. A better expectation would be to practice the Gospel of repentance and forgiveness. A main key is praying for Christ's love to fill our hearts.

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by Neil Clark Warren

Dr. Neil Clark Warren shares five get-to-know-yourself-better steps designed to uncover the real you and help you find lifelong serenity. You'll learn why, from the moment you're born, you were programmed with the conflicting messages of pleasing self versus pleasing others--and you'll learn how to reconcile the two. Dr. Warren also helps you take stock of your personal values system--the often overlooked foundation for an authentic life. Along with surprising ways to put aside the pseudo-you comes a practical vision for stepping into the genuine you that' been hidden for so long.

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