Romance is the beginning of a lasting relationship, but in marriage several key ingredients are needed to develop long-term commitment and contentment.

A counselor painted this picture for my then-future wife and me: romance is like a cut rose. It's beautiful to look at and appreciate. But cut from the plant, its beauty will eventually fade and wither. The lasting love that develops from long-term commitment in a marriage is like a living rose bush, with hundreds of flowers that perpetually blossom. This deeper beauty is meant to last as the plant continues to grow.

Some ingredients are vital for lasting love:

Caring includes the attributes of thoughtfulness needed to nurture the relationship with one's husband or wife.

Long-term commitment encompasses all of our attitudes of respect for marriage covenants, including relationship skills to deal with whatever challenges surface in marriage.

Integrity is the basis of character each person brings into the relationship as a complete person.

Togetherness is the focus on companionship and the attention to, and quality of time spent nurturing the marriage.

A positive focus lets us grow as imperfect humans and contribute to uplifting one another. All of these ingredients contribute to the success of a marriage and make lasting love possible.

Let's take a closer look at each of these aspects of lasting marriage.

Caring

Thoughtfulness is the attitude that takes us out of our isolated world of selfish concerns and lets us see someone else's needs above our own. Not only is this attribute helpful in marriage, it's essential. Husbands and wives entrust their emotions, love and trust in each other, in the hope that their love will be valued and safeguarded. A selfish attitude disregards that trust, replacing it with a barter system of give and take. "As long as it benefits me, I'll give what you need." That isn't what caring is all about.

Sharing works when a husband and wife both give 100 percent. The unreserved desire to bless one another's life supersedes every 50/50 arrangement, where the focus is misdirected on holding back and judging each other's efforts on biased observations. It's amusing to see a toddler learn the meaning of sharing. (Sometimes it doesn't seem much different from adult interactions.) Baby is taught he must share his toys. So, against his desire, the toy is handed to the other baby. In the following exchange, Baby says, "Sharing" and seizes a toy from the other. Reserved and calculated giving counts for nothing. The Savior said that begrudged gifts may as well be kept.

If we build our caring on the foundation of charity, it becomes selfless. Rather than awarding and keeping tally, our giving is unreserved. We nurture out of the desire to bless our loved ones. We become more sensitive to the other's real needs. When we share out of love motives, we recognize the need for unconditional love--that our best efforts can't measure up to the kind of love God gives us. The best we can do is follow His example, by giving our best.

Nurturing incorporates our best desires and actions in blessing our loved ones. Appreciation and gratitude flow naturally when we recognize the divine nature that is in each of us. We need to take personal responsibility to be loving, kind, accepting and uplifting to everyone around us, especially our family and loved ones.

Long-Term Commitment

One of my hobbies is music. I'm constantly listening to styles and orchestrations, wondering "How do they do that?" I would love to be able to compose with freedom and ease. But I have a musical handicap--my own limited ability. I seem to be blessed with Salieri's genius to know real genius in someone else's musical achievements. But my own feeble attempts to play or compose hardly measure up to my desires.

Sometimes the elements that go into a happy marriage may seem just as elusive. How do you arrange the notes of daily life into melodies? How do you keep the cadence without the rhythm becoming monotonous? How do the singers keep pitch and stay in tune to each other? Even though the answers may be straightforward, learning how to implement them is nothing less than art.

One of the most vital elements to a lasting marriage is long-term commitment. Casual attitudes about marriage fill every corner of today's society. From widespread acceptance of divorce, infidelity, and humor that belittles spouse and marriage, to rampant disregard of the essential role parents play in nurturing children, it seems that society and media are at war against the sacred institutions of marriage and family.

We recognize, of course, that marriage is ordained of God, and that wedding vows are covenants before God to cherish and nurture our spouse with love, service and life-long commitment. But how do we translate marriage theory into flowing compositions? Our best intentions are only as good as our daily acts.

A good beginning is to look at what priority we place on marriage. Our desire for a successful marriage is the seed we plant in faith. When we plant that seed of hope, we transcend such weaknesses as selfishness, anger and control. We give a place for higher traits like nurturing, thoughtfulness and charity, to give our marriage the best chance to flourish.

We nurture the seed through the daily acts of marriage. These are the little attitudes that compose the themes in the symphony of our relationship. One theme is shared values and agreement about aims and goals in life. Another is an attitude of giving 100/100, where both husband and wife are equally committed to contributing to the success of the marriage.

John Gottman, Director of Gottman Marriage and Family Institute (Gottman.com), emphasizes that good marriages are equipped with day-to-day problem resolving skills. A spouse needs to recognize the other's needs like an emotional bank account, the balance being built by the quality of daily giving.

Lasting marriage is not a storybook happy ending. There are challenges and differences. Flexibility, communication and determination to work through difficult times together are vital to meeting daily pressures. Unity of purpose, calm discussion of issues and coping with challenges together all build a foundation of trust and companionship. People and relationships are refinedby the challenges the same way that precious metals are purified in a furnace.

Marriage that is built on the foundation of eternal commitment is much more than a sacred institution. It brings opportunities for a husband and wife to grow beyond their natural abilities. Their combined efforts can create a symphony of beauty and depth that lasts for all time.

Integrity

Abraham Lincoln posed this question, "If you call a sheep's tail a leg, how many legs will a sheep have?" The answer is five, right? Wrong. Lincoln explained, "A sheep has four legs. Even if you call a tail a leg, it is still a tail."

Lincoln was a man of integrity. He earned the nick-name Honest Abe. Integrity can't be claimed. It has to be earned through a life of coherent moral principles.

Caring and long-term commitment are two qualities essential for lasting love in a marriage

Integrity is the force behind the commitment that gives it lasting value. Without honor, our vows become meaningless. Covenants have no life of their own. They live in the hearts and actions of the promise keepers. Maybe that's the reason joyful, lasting marriages are so hard to come by and so precious to maintain.

Integrity is the state of being whole, entire or undiminished. A genuine person adheres to moral principle and character. He practices honesty and sincerity as core values in his life. Integrity doesn't have to mean perfection of character. It does mean that a person doesn't hide behind deceptions. Recognizing our humanness gives us the humility we need to accept our limitations and rise above them. An anonymous author said, "It is only when you don't run from yourself that you begin to get somewhere."

Meekness and learning go hand-in-hand. Humility is equivalent to being teachable. Samuel Johnson said, "Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful." Sincerity allows us to break down the barriers of prejudice and hypocrisy to learn the hidden truths about ourselves. Agnes Repplier said, "To be sincere with ourselves is better and harder than to be painstakingly accurate with others."

Intimacy in marriage--meaning the deepest levels of communication, relating and sharing--is only possible when a husband and wife are completely open to each other. When each trusts and is trusted, both are able to express their thoughts and feelings without reservation.

A part of the honesty a husband and wife share is disclosure about themselves. They share their weaknesses and entrust each other to guard their vulnerability. In being completely open about past actions and being trustworthy, marriage partners give the assurance of present and future fidelity.

It's commonly said, "Each person is one half, completed by the other." Although that is true in the perspectives that husbands and wives bring into marriage, still it takes two whole people to build a complete marriage. Both individuals need to have their lives in balance to contribute to harmony in marriage.

Thousands of personality traits can be combined in successful marriages when the character is founded on caring, commitment and integrity. Other ingredients to lasting marriages are having fun together regularly, building companionship and focusing on positives.

Togetherness

One Tuesday morning, I began painting an illustration of two plants for an herb supplement label. The drawing went well--it was straightforward enough. Placing the elements in relative position and scale is a job for patience and careful line work.

After I transferred the drawings onto illustration board, I started painting. That's when the real work began. You see, paint sometimes wants to do its own thing, pooling here, skimping there. As the painting progressed, I dreaded that it might run out of control.

I knew I couldn't quit. I had already told the client I would deliver the illustration Wednesday. I was committed to keeping my word.

What does this have to do with a lasting marriage?

Togetherness in marriage is a lot like art. It takes planning to arrange details like dating and daily rituals such as morning and evening prayer and reading scriptures together. Although routines may seem rigid, they are like the lines of a drawing. They provide the structure that holds the other elements together. A simple plan, like a sketch, provides a foundation to provide the essentials.

Companionship is a foundation for lasting marriage. The quality of companionship determines a couple's present and future happiness.

The color of a relationship is the experience, fun and laughter you enjoy together. Every artist has a favorite paintbrush. Mine is the D'Arches pointed-tip red sable. The best brush in marriage is a sense of humor. A light heart paints the world in bright hues. It's a wide brush that can spread an even wash over broad areas of a canvas.

A husband and wife ought to be each other's best friend. Remember those pictures from the days you were dating? Remember how bright everything looked in the early-morning light? Lighting is vital to every work of art. It gives freshness and vitality to any subject.

Liking one another is the light you bring to your marriage masterpiece. It's the original perception--more a matter of perspective than anything else. Couples need to continually find ways to enjoy each other's company. Look for one way to brighten your spouse's life this week. Look through his or her eyes.

If you think about a special friend you have, what stands out? That you share interests? That you are most yourself around him or her? That you enjoy being together?

Now it's time to open the curtains and let that early-morning light into each day of your marriage. When marriage is your most-treasured friendship, the companionship is a work of joy. Over time, married couples cultivate shared and individual interests, personal and together space. Like the painting's culmination of line, form, contrast and color, your interest in each other grows daily. You learn more about one another through deeper acquaintance and appreciation.

The product of love is its natural expression. Married couples don't need to be newly wed to enjoy cuddling, kissing and intimacy. In fact, those expressions can be as alive as the warmth of love a husband and wife share every day.

Sometimes the paint behaves unpredictably. Either the colors will start to bleed into each other or hues don't match. Don't lose your patience. It begins with the under-painting. Tints are refined like the colored glazes applied by renaissance masters. It's a painstaking process requiring time and patience. The reward for a lifetime of effort is deep luminescence, with color radiating from within the pools of color. I wish that for your marriage and mine.

Focusing on Positives

Life is about choices. We choose every day to suffer or celebrate.

A man had been involved in a serious accident. When he was wheeled into the ER, the expressions of the doctor's faces had already given him up for dead. The nurse shouted questions. Was he allergic to anything? He said, "Yes." The doctors and nurses stopped and listened for his answer: "Gravity." Everyone laughed. After he had their attention, he said, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

Dr. Karl Menninger said, "Attitudes are more important than facts."

In The Power of Positive Thinking, Norman Vincent Peale encourages not to dwell on the drawbacks, but to create a list of positives. "If you mentally visualize and affirm and reaffirm your assets, you will rise out of any difficulty. Your inner powers will reassert themselves and, with the help of God, lift you to victory."

Having a positive attitude toward one's spouse is one of the greatest gifts a husband and wife can bring into their marriage.

It's really all about gratitude. By appreciating one another's best intentions a husband and wife let each other be their best self.

Criticism raises defensive shields. When the USS Enterprise approaches any unknown spaceship, it's with realistic caution. When the captain is informed the other ship is armed and in attack posture--shields go up, and even the good guys aim every weapon they've got. They go on defensive alert status.

It's the same with relationships. People don't see others' efforts to manipulate or fix them as caring gestures. "Aye, Cap'n she's scanning our defensive array for weakness." Shields up! Red alert! Any effort to assess someone else's weakness is looked on as unprovoked hostility.

Here's a paradox that applies to men and women alike: if you want to change your loved one--don't try to change him or her. Love that person as-is. If your love is genuine, he or she will sense it and be self-motivated to be more loving, caring or supportive.

Ingratitude is really selfishness. The best cure for depression is caring about other people. One of the most cheerful people I've ever met was a triplegic, who used prosthetic limbs and her one complete arm to get things done. She was actively involved in improving the world for people with similar handicaps. Those who give meaningful service don't need to wallow in self-pity.

The cause behind anger and frustration is actually unrealistic expectations. Rage is a secondary response to an event. If you step back from being upset, you will probably realize that what you're really feeling is anxiety or frustration about unmet expectations. Out of all the possible strategies, anger is a poor choice for coping with circumstances. It rarely deals with primary issues.

How do we care for our loved ones? We allow them to be human, giving them plenty of room for growth. Isn't that how we treat our babies? We adore them. We celebrate their achievements. We simply love them.

Appreciation makes lasting love possible. Successfully married couples learn to gratefully accept each other. A husband and wife will express gratitude often. They praise one another's efforts and achievements. They are patient with faults and shortcomings. They look at their loved one from all aspects, seeing the real person. They allow their spouse to develop and grow by personal choice.

Marriage is about imperfect people doing their best to nurture and minister in love. This includes all the essentials we've been talking about. Caring, long-term commitment, integrity, togetherness and maintaining a positive focus are qualities of character that foster lasting love.
 
 

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