Change in relationships is inevitable and constant. All relationships are constantly changing like a wave. They will grow if we feed them or wither if we neglect them. Each day, however infinitesimally it may be, our most important relationships are changing: growing if we nourish them, or withering if we neglect or damage them.

As we make choices to nourish our relationships, we make a conscious choice to love. Once a commitment is made in a relationship, we should continually choose to follow-through on that commitment. In marriage, we covenant to love our spouse. Every day and every part of that day we should make choices that are true to that commitment. We can make choices to do the things that will allow our relationship to be meaningful and strong (being kind, thoughtful, forgiving, understanding, selfless) or do the things that will cause eventual loss of love over time (being unkind, thoughtless, unforgiving, selfish, etc.) We should make nourishing our most important relationships the highest priority in our lives.

Check Lists

Some people feel that there is no one "good enough" or "not quite perfect" for them. They have a check list of requirements that aren't truly essential, and measure everyone up to this all-encompassing list. Of course, each candidate inevitably falls short of the ideal. This impossible check list is both unrealistic and unfair. Superficial expectations can discount the most wonderful of people--requiring them, for example, to be financially wealthy, handsome, charismatic, professional or materialistic. Many of the greatest people are ordinary in such external aspects--of moderate means, beautiful as to the things of the spirit, meek, honest and hard working. They have set eternal priorities on eternal values--ideals not dictated by a materialistic society. The gap between heaven and the world is very wide indeed.

Feeling Right

Some wish to immediately determine if a person is right for them and will determine this immediately without bothering to become acquainted. Clutching to a love-at-first-sight fantasy, these people literally discount every option to ever marry. Contrast this idea with the saying, "To know me is to love me."

Some people have heartfelt feelings of love for a person they're dating, but somehow obstacles keep them from "feeling right" about committing to marriage. The obstacles arise from trying to match up a real person to unrealistic expectations. Some have always envisioned a "Prince (or Princess) Charming," but he (nor she) doesn't exist. The reality doesn't match the dream. These people are often romantics, idealists and perfectionists. They may have grown up in difficult circumstances, and developed unrealistic expectations as a means of escape. They fantasize away the present while creating a hope for the future--like Cinderella dreaming about a Prince Charming who will someday rescue her from her problems or from an undesirable or mediocre lifestyle.

Still others find additional ways to escape love. They will nit-pick their way out of serious relationships, or even out of marriage, because of too many little things that aren't right. Their excuses seem trivial indeed: not liking the way their loved one combs their hair, dresses, laughs, eats, etc. When in the first place, they never really know how to love. They actually never could love.

Learning To Accept

Love is acceptance. When someone truly loves another, they acknowledge the whole person, knowing his or her faults and weaknesses, loving with acceptance. They continue to love the other as more weaknesses are revealed. As Elizabeth Barrett Browning said, "If thou must love me, let it be for nought except for love's sake only. Do not say, 'I love her for her smile, her look, her way of speaking gently, for a trick of thought that falls in well with mine,' ... for these things in themselves, beloved, may be changed, or change of thee, and love, so wrought, may be unwrought so ... But love me for love's sake" (Sonnets from the Portuguese, No. 14).

When we truly love someone, we do not hope or expect to change him or her. It's been said that a woman marries, planning on changing the man, and a man marries, thinking the woman will never change--it's a formula for failure in a relationship. When we love and accept someone, we love and accept the whole package, as-is.

Shakespeare's poetic wisdom is timeless: "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove: o, no! It is an ever-fixed mark, that looks on tempests and is never shaken" (Sonnet 116). Real love is grounded and unwavering. It doesn't allow any little thing to shake its bonds.

Unresolved Issues

Many experts are convinced that women's romantic view of men is affected by the good or bad experiences they associate with their father when they were growing up. This is often the case. We need to honestly look at our past to determine if we are now projecting any fears, problems or roadblocks into our relationships.

Unresolved issues from past relationships, traumatic experiences and emotional baggage are all obstacles to love. Not dealing with past hurts creates anxieties that interfere in the present relationship. Unaddressed issues are often the crux of painful interactions. We can't be more intimate with our love until we have successfully addressed, processed and resolved past problems and issues. Unprovoked hurt feelings surfacing out of nowhere are usually indicators of anxiety stemming from unresolved issues.

Having so often failed to have a successful relationship in the past, we may begin to expect failure. This fear can inhibit any future attempts. Martin Seligman's book, Learned Optimism, discusses fear. Adults who face the fear of failure wish to commit, but if their parents were divorced or had problems in serious romantic relationships, these adults automatically expect things to go wrong

Beliefs Become Realities

We have the ability to program our own minds however we choose. Without knowing what we're doing, we program our minds to think in certain patterns. We cause hundreds of silent messages to go through our minds each day, in our own wordings, and in our own voice. What we tell ourselves we eventually will believe. Fortunately we do have the power to program our mind in any way we wish. However, over many years, we may have done a great deal of negative programming that will need to be undone. We can re-program our thoughts with positive beliefs and by acting with conviction on correct beliefs.

Our beliefs underlie all of our experiences. For good or bad, we create the very outcome we believe in. If we cling to our fears (and fear is a form of belief), that which we most dread can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. (Marianne Williamson wrote the book A Return to Love, which discusses empowering thought).

I highly recommend John Gray's book, Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus. This is a valuable tool for communication issues and conflict resolution. Gray uses broad generalizations, but his ideas are very helpful.

Let God Into Your Love

Love is an act of faith. It can grow (or wither) like a seed. Read every scripture about faith and substitute the word "love" for the word "faith" to gain fresh perspectives on how love works.

Look to God; believe and resolve issues. This will open your heart and mind.

Revelation comes in two ways: through our heart and mind. When we seek for a spiritual confirmation or direction in matters from Father in Heaven, both of these sources of inspiration should be present. Rather than reject love, because of hurt feelings, we should try to resolve the issues blocking our ability to love. Sometimes the healing can only come through a spiritual change of heart. By seeking forgiveness, and by learning to forgive in our own heart, frequent feelings of wrongness can miraculously vanish.

Hurt feelings of are often triggered by fear, rather than from any actual cause. Resolving the fear can dispel the negative feelings. Sometimes the resolution comes through positive action. By doing the thing we dread, the fear goes away. We find internal resources to cope with the difficulties we face.

With sincere effort, the obstacles to love can be surmounted. But we have to challenge our assumptions and self-defeating, negative beliefs. Our love deserves the nurturing and healing that come through seeking divine help.

Go to Learning Love and Life Home Page

Join Love Newsletter!