Do you remember the moment in Fiddler on the Roof, when Tevye looks at the other hand? (It's like that episode of Gilligan's Island, where the castaways came up with a plan to get off the island and Gilligan messed it up at the last moment. Know the one I'm talking about?) In the scene I call to your attention, Tevye laments the loss of Laser Wolf's rich dowry, because his daughter and the tailor "gave each other a pledge."

"What about the Matchmaker?" Tevye asks. "On the other hand, Adam and Eve didn't have a matchmaker. On the other hand, maybe they did ...." Tevye looks up into the sky.

In the movie (I didn't grow up with the Broadway version) each of Tevye's daughters overturns generations of tradition to choose her own mate. When it becomes apparent that love might have been an important factor in mate selection, Tevye asks his wife, "Do you love me?"

Let's assume, first of all, that love is the most important factor in whether or not two people should make wedding vows. Even with love, there are several other considerations that should not be overlooked.

Let's assume further, for those who are married, that whatever reasons brought them together, husband and wife share the responsibility to nurture the marriage and companionship.

Is there such a thing as a perfect match?

The belief in a perfect match depends on whether you're approaching or leaving the wedding altar. Anyone who has been married for some time has figured out that their fantasy of a perfect mate might have been a bit exaggerated. Star-crossed lovers, perhaps, haven't yet given up on the fantasy that "the angels got together and decided to create a dream-come-true" especially for them.

Two of the most important decisions we make in our lives are finding God and finding a spouse. Isn't it interesting how God doesn't meddle in these matters? First, God doesn't "make" anyone choose to follow and serve Him. Second, He doesn't play the matchmaker. He lets us choose for ourselves. As a loving father, He looks on our choices with loving involvement, knowing that we must make our most vital decisions by faith and by our own free will. It is we, after all, who have to live with our decisions.

That doesn't mean that God won't help us find a suitable companion. He is very concerned about our happiness and will help to the extent that our faith will allow. In the end, however, He lets us take responsibility for the choices that most profoundly affect our lives.

How does each person find someone who is well suited? A universally accepted truth is that faith and like-values should be two of the most important considerations. "Be not unequally yoked." Believers should look for a companion who shares their faith and conviction to serve God together.

Two people considering marriage should share values in those areas most important to them. Some of these areas are: religious worship, the importance of family, children (including how many), honor, integrity, and the ability to care for each other. To sacrifice one of these vital ideals for the sake of love is a prescription for future unhappiness.

There are other factors to consider too. We're all ordinary humans. None of us is perfectly consistent in our own character and ideals. Making a good match of two individuals will always involve making concessions for each other's individuality.

Whether we ought to seek a match in any particular area depends on the two people involved. Each individual needs to decide the importance of his or her values, while understanding the vital concerns of the other. A comedian can be perfectly happy with someone serious. A fun-lover and a responsible person may make perfect complements. On the other hand, as Tevye might say, some traits don't mesh well. Someone fastidiously neat will likely resent being married to a slob. A frugal person will have endless conflict with a compulsive spender.

Character traits mesh and conflict, according to each personality. What is well suited to one person may not be for another. It's wise for two people considering marriage to plan a long courtship to understand the dynamics of their relationship over time. Any dysfunctional, addictive or abusive patterns should weigh heavily in the decision whether or not to move ahead with wedding plans. Anger management is a vital issue, as are debilitating emotional problems such as chronic depression or bi-polar disorder. Anyone considering blending into one of these lifestyles should seek prior professional help.

To "be one," as the scriptures suggest, doesn't mean that spouses become a single individual. It means that they join together in purpose and direction. They share one another's dreams.

When married people wonder if they're well matched, they're probably missing the point. After the vows it becomes a matter of overcoming selfishness. It's each individual's responsibility to selflessly give to their spouse. We honor each other's needs foremost in our concerns. We become one through ministering to one another.

Before marriage or after, looking for a perfect match is fantasy. A far more productive use of our energy would be for each of us to look to ourselves. Every person can focus his or her attention on being well suited to his or her spouse. Being well matched requires ongoing effort, taking interest in each other daily and valuing what is important to each other.

Whether you're looking for the right person, or thought your spouse was when you were married, what it boils down to is being the right person for your loved one.

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