BAD LANGUAGE

A mother cooking in the kitchen was listening
to her son playing with his new electric train in
the next room. She heard the train stop and her
son say. "All you cretins who want to get off, get
the hell off now,cos this is the last stop."
Horrified. the mother went in and told her son
that he shouldn't use bad language and to go
to his room for two hours.
Later, she heard the sounds of the train again
and listened to her son say," All those passengers
who are disembarking the train here, please
remember to take all your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and for those
of you who are cheesed off about the two
hour delay, please see the mother in the kitchen!"

MATTER OF HONOUR

The Chinese Market gardener and his 3 sons
lived on a farm and had an outhouse on a hill.
One night someone pushed the outhouse over the hill.
Next morning, the father called in his sons.
"Honourable eldest son, did you push the outhouse over
the hill?"
"No, honourable father, I did not!" was the reply.
"Honourable second son, did you push the outhouse
over the hill?"
"No, honourable father I did not!" replied the second son.
"Honourable youngest son, did you push the outhouse
over the hill?"
"Yes, honourable father. Like George Washington,
who chopped down the cherry tree, I cannot tell
a lie. It was I who pushed it over."
The youngest son was given a sound thrashing.
"But father, like George Washington when he cut down
the cherry tree, I thought I would be forgiven for
telling the truth."
"Ah, yes, but you see, George Washington's father
was not sitting in the cherry tree when his son chopped
it down."

SHORT CHANGED

Did you hear about the kangaroo who called
both her joeys Robert?
She always liked to have a bob or two
in her pocket.

Made First

One day in the garden of Eden, Eve
calls out to God, "Lord I know you have
made me and provided this lovely garden
and these wonderful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Eve, I have a solution," replies God.
" I shall create man for you."
" What's a man, Lord?" asks Eve.
"A flawed creature with aggressive tendencies,
a huge ego and incapable of listening to you.
He'll be bigger and faster than you. He'll
be great at hunting, kicking a ball around and
not too bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve.
"I'll only do this for you on one condition."
"What's that Lord?"
"You let him believe I made him first!"

Supermarket Farce
A young man was at a supermarket when he noticed
an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing
of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally,
he went into the checkout, where she snuck in front
of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring
has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look
like my son who died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there
anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I am leaving, you could say,
"Goodbye mother, it would make me feel better."
"Sure," the young man answered. As the old woman was
leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!" and felt
quite pleased that he done a good deed and made her happy.
But then he went to pay, he saw his bill was $127.80.
"How could this be?" he gasped, "I only purchased a few
things!" "Your mother said you would pay for her,"
said the cashier.

Swinging Ovation

Eleven women - 10 blondes and one brunette - were
clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope that was
suspended from a crumbling outcrop on Mount Everest.
They realised that one of them would have to let go
or the rope would break and they would all perish.
For a few agonising moments, no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette, in moving speech said that she
would sacrifice herself to save the others. Touched by
this, all the blondes applauded.

I HAVE LEARNT ...