An experiment......... 4 days now.....Ok here we are again. I hate taking antidepressants, I hate them, I hate them!!!! I hate being flat, dull and non-emotional...oh and there is the little thing about me not being able to cum. Yes I admit it, I love sexual satisfaction. So here I am back to my same set of 3 choices, Orgasms, love life, pain. Take the pills topamax + antidepressants and I have no pain I also can't cum and well the antidepressants aren't working fully and my only option besides going without was to increase (of course it was). Take more anti depressant (cymbalta) be flatter, less emotional and further removed from whom I am. Oh and did I mention Topamax could give me severely physically or mentally disabled babies, birth defects ...great. So since I was on the absolute lowest dose of both Cymbalta and Topamax I could stop without weening off of, so i did. I had a candid discussion with my migraine doc and she wanted to increase the antis and get me on birth control, FUCK THAT. I want babies damn it I had Gastric bypass to lose weight so I could fulfill my one and only dream to have babies. Yes I hoped it would get rid of my pain but well that didn't happen, ok. I would gladly suffer the head ache I have today the rest of my life if I could have a baby. I am NOT going to take even more pills and preclude myself from that one thing I want so much. No we are not trying(yet) but if it happens great if not that is ok too (for now). I agreed to "watch myself" and be "watched" by my friends and family for signs I am suffering, depression. This , this is not depression this is frustration, okay and I have a headache. Not a bad one maybe a 3, 3 is not bad I have had 9's I go to the emergency room then. This I can handle and do so without medicating. I am hoping this is a withdrawal headache as I have a special condition called "rebound" my body gets addicted to anything i take and I get a headache when it doesn't have it, what ever it is. who am I: emotional, irrational, crazy , funny, anal retentive, creative, passionate and a little dippy....yes most days and I want to be who I am. That person who doesn't need a mood stabilizers. I may never be her but until the build a drug that orgasms are not sacrificed to make way for a stable mood I will battle this same battle. Remove the stumbling block (can't cum) and I might take the damn things without bitching but until then fuckers, I think I'll go masturbate.....ah .....endorphins.....natures antidepressants.