So I just watched one of my favorite shows, Judging Amy. I never watched the show when it was on regular TV but it is now in syndication 2 shows a day 5 days a week and I really love the show. Amy is a Harvard educated women with the same short coming and insecurities any women has and an amazing close knit family, the kind of family I wish I had but do not. The kind of family I would like to have for my children when and if I ever have them. In one of today's Episodes her mother has a heart attack and nearly dies and this drives Amy to have a heart to heart with her mom who is lying incoherant in a hospital bed, machines doing her breathing. Amy begs her mommy to stay. A women so cynical about God and religion on her knees sobbing to God to have more time with her mother. This show drives me to tears often. It made me think about my own mother and how much I love her and what she means to me. My mother is the baby of 12 children, her mother died when she was 9 and she was placed into an orphanage. My mother is a simple women they type of women who sits right next to her husband in his big pick-up truck (my father), the type of women who does not drive after dark, the type of women who seems simple and frail and whom could never fend for herself, she is everything I am not. I love her and I hate her in the same breath. I know it is not her fault, she is emotionally stunted at age 9 because of what happened to her, things beyond her control. I called my mother today just to check in but primarily because I was hurting and I needed to be mothered, something she never quite did right. My mother never hears me, she listens to what I say in that she is waiting for her turn to talk. my words fall from her like rain off a ducks back and she falls into a conversation about her, her life and how she is doing. I said to my mother I am hurting and I explained why and she tells me about the booties she is making for my best friends new baby girl, she tells me her and my father are watching a movie "open season" and tells me of the list of other movies they have seen recently. I love her because she is my mom, because she is simple, because she doesn't know how to love me and I hate her for the same reasons yet I too would be on my knees begging to have more time with my mommy just like "Amy Gray" was with hers. A very dear friend of mine recently lost her mother her mother who was an abusive alcoholic who allowed her to be molested and violated yet she still loved her mother and she hurts deeply that this women she both loved and hated is now gone. My mother is still here with me, she is crocheting me a stocking cap, she sends me cards for no reason and I love her for all that she is, never was and can never be.