I don't write for you I write for me. This is my blog and I didn't want to write here today because I do not want to see in my head you rolling your eyes, you whom ever you are. We visited this place before, you and I, lunacy. You do not know me. My Beast of burden is back, that which ties me down and controls my heart. The ugliness inside me which boils forth and spews vomit upon my life, my soul, my friends and my family, those I allow a glimpse of me, the real me the crazy, neurotic, nervous, emotional mess that I am. Not the blond haired, big smiled ditz I portray on TV, me the mess. Me, always the mess. My depression. Fuck my depression. I fucking hate being dependant on pills to be happy but right now I would settle for just fucking being ok. I am so desperately alone and I can't stand my own skin. I decided to take a new pill lexapro and I had to argue with my migraine doctor to get it because as she said with tone " it doesn't do anything for migraines" well I am not fucking taking an anti depressant for a migraines. I am taking it because the fucking medicine she insist I take. The one that is making my fucking hair fall out, the one that makes me a moron who can't remember her address or her phone number makes me erratic, mean, with wild mod swings and severe cry jags, TOPAMAZ, AKA dopamax. Oh but wait.................... I am not fucking taking antidepressants at all because I didn't have the money for it so I never got it and now here I am, my own damn fault. Is this depression my own or is topamax. I do not fucking know but this fight is one I am tired of fighting. I am weary to the bone and I am alone in my messy home in the dark . I am broken. I am shattered into a million little pieces none of which are worthy of picking up or putting back together. I want a vacation a break from my own life. A room, a clean white room, free from distraction with crisp clean white sheets that smell of bleach, I want a window and I want quiet. peace. I want to be free from my life, my troubles and my pain. I do not want to feel, I do not want to hurt and do not want to worry. I want to go home without going home. I want to be with my parents because they love me, because no matter what I am always safe there and no one can hurt me, things always work out, they love me and care for me and they place no demands on me, I know everything will be ok. I CAN NEVER GO HOME. We are being forced to move, initially when I moved in with my boyfriend the apartment manager said 2 dogs was fine, now the fucking management company says I can only have one and the stupid bitch with perfect hair who said to me"sorry you will have to split up your dogs" can just go fuck herself. My dogs are not garbage, it's not like having an extra blender or an old pair of socks you just haphazardly drop off at goodwill. They are like my children and I am not giving one up, fuck that bitch! We have 30 days to find a place and move and I need a fucking zanax.....I am picking up my prescription for lexipro tomorrow, in a few days I will be fine and this will seem like a joke, but today this is very real. Today I feel hopeless, I hate my life, I hate myself and I do not want to be here.