If you were to walk past my house right now you would hear screaming. Why, why why damn it stop telling me to fucking loose weight. I have talked about This and talked about this, ok so I won this thing 2nd place in the whole state for weight loss w/ my TOPS group and I am being honored (along with several other division winners) in front of 1500 people in Pendleton, OR next month. Ok so I am really struggling with my weight loss and even more so since I am under pressure to not gain any(more) weight. {big sigh} so last month my leader Blanche called me at home to tell me if I gained any more weight (I had gained 4.25lbs since the first of the year) I would lose my title so I buckled down (read didn't eat) and I lost 5lbs in one week (making me actually the best loser for last month in my WHOLE group with a total weight loss of 5.5lbs for the month) so ok the meeting before last I gained(again) 1lb and then I didn't go to the last meeting because I knew I had gained but I DID go to last nights meeting and I gained imagine that .75lbs, ok so -4.75+5-1-.75 = -1.5 which means I am up 1.5lbs since the first of the year and safe from losing my title at this point. Here is the fucking deal I am tired of dieting, I am tired of worrying about what I fucking eat, I am tired and I do not want to play any more. So this morning, our fearless leader called me(again) to "support" me by telling me I need to really try to lose some more weight. ya know fuck you fuck you and the whole fucking group. You tell me to fucking do something I am gonna do the opposite. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I am just so angry right now I want them to leave me alone, I didn't want this damn award I just wanted supportive friends. I want to go and have fun and make "health" my goal not weight loss. I mean I do not want to give up I want to be healthy and I want to have babies but I do not want the emphasis to be that fucking scale. Don't tell me I have to do something, I wont I wont ...that is me I am fucking 13 and bucking the system and screwing the man, fuck you all and leave me alone. {big sigh} Ok ok, just working through this, I need to change my attitude I know but I just wish I could help them help me to tell them how I work. Don't tell me to watch what I eat, offer to go for a walk with me. Don't tell me I can't gain, ask me how I feel today. Don't tell me what an honor it is for me to win, ask me if there is anything I need or just leave me the fuck alone. I'm done, I'm tired and I want to giv eup, game over but I won't {sigh} I wont.