For those who have watched the movie "TOP GUN" six times or any one
episode of "JAG," a do-it-yourself kit to sample the real seagoing
life is now available.

If you suffer from illusions of liberty among the natives in Bora Bora
or flying 'Tomcats' with pretty boy Tom Cruise, you can experience
Real Shipboard Life in your own home. Follow these easy instructions
in six basic modules with the aid of your family and friends to
recreate the untold joys of life aboard ship. [Note: Easily adapts to
Coast Guard Life with addition of white paint and racing stripes].

Break into a chorus of "Anchors Aweigh" or hum a few lines of "Semper
Paratus" and enter the real world of life at sea.
 

Module 1 : Living Aboard Ship

1. Buy a dumpster, chip the paint off down to bare metal, paint it
gray, and live in it for six months. *Coast Guard simulations use
white paint.}

2. Run all the piping and the wires inside your house on the outside
of the walls. Place eight handles on every door.

 3. Repaint your entire house once a month.

4. Place metal barriers on the lower 18" of every door in your house.

5. Pump ten inches of nasty half sewage water into your basement. Pump
it out, clean up the mess, and paint everything in the basement gray.
Repeat frequently for added realism.

6. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday turn your water temperature up to
200 degrees, on Tuesday and Thursday set the temperature at 10
degrees. On Saturday and Sunday inform your family that they used too
much water during the week and as a result all showering is secured.

7. Stack all beds on top of one another in the closet. Raise your bed
to within six inches of the ceiling. Stow all your clothing and
possessions in a 36" x 18" x 12" locker. If anyone is sick and
throwing up put them in the top bunk.

8. Give the keys to your house to your next door neighbor. Have him
enter your bedroom every morning at 0530 (5:30 am), and blow a whistle
loud enough for Helen Keller to hear. Instruct the neighbor to shout
in a amplified megaphone six inches from your ear, "Reveille,
reveille, all hands heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lit in
all authorized spaces."

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she is going to do
for the following day. You and your family stand in the back yard at
0600 (6 am) while mother-in-law reads her "Plan of the Day" (POD) to
you. Repeat this everyday expect Sunday, unless you are simulating "at
sea" in which case do it seven days a week.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days
straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the
door that reads, "Secured - Contact OA Div at X-3053."

11. When you leave your house make sure to take the phone off the hook
so it will be busy all day. [ Mike C.]

12. Observe the ship board multi telephone line rule. One line is
always reserved for the use of your father-in-law, one line reserved
for your mother-in-law, and the third line is reserved for official
business. If you want to make a personal call, walk two blocks to a
convenience store and wait in line at the pay phone.

13. Whenever your father-in-law comes over ring a bell 4 times and
announce his arrival/departure over a megaphone. [ PO3 Petras]

14. Every time you leave or enter the house salute the porch light and
 ask your dog for permission to leave or enter the dwelling. [ Paul]

15. ( Aircraft Carrier Simulation) At random intervals from 1000 to
2200 (10 A.M. to 10 P.M.), have a biker gang with sledgehammers pound
on your roof to simulate the launching and recovery of aircraft. At
night, after the family has gone to sleep, have the bikers drag chains
and heavy equipment across the roof to simulate the 'respotting' of
the aircraft for the next morning's flight schedule. [AT2 Adam C.
Vonder Ahe-Cossey]

16. Install flashlights (battle lanterns) at the pecise height at
which to bang your head in the dark. Point the flashlight at
important items (such as the sofa, all doorways, stove, etc).
Occasionally turn the electric power off at the mains and run around
the house turning on all the flashlights. [DC2 Scott Corbitt]

17. Use an air-raid siren for an alarm clock. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale
Bishop]

18. Remove all wrist watches from the family. Use the dinner bell as a
systematic time indicator. Ring it madly when every body is their
hungriest and announce the "Chow-line is not open for an hour." Do not
drool when you hear bells. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]

19. ( Aircraft Carrier Simulation) Have house mover relocate your home
ten feet under Runway 19 at Chicago O'Hare International Airport for 6
months. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]

20. Divide bathroom shower with three partitions. Remove shower nozzle
and replace with kitchen sink dish sprayer hooked to the cold water
line only. The "extra" two showers now represent the actual percentage of
operable showers. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]

21. Remove bathroom sink, mirror, and all shelves. Replace with water
fountain for shaving and hygiene use. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]

22. Do Laundry using only the rinse cycle with paint thinner for
detergent. Dry for 10 minutes and randomly redistribute. [AD1(AW/NAC)
Dale Bishop]
 
 

Module 2 : Evolutions
1. Sit in your car and let it run for four hours before going
anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off."

2. Before leaving or arriving at any location require your family to
stand on the hood of the car for the preceding hour, passing bearings to
restaurants and gas stations over sound powered phones. [Special Sea Detail]

3. Empty all the garbage cans in your house and sweep the driveway
three times a day even if they don't require it. [Sweepers]

4. Stand in the sun for an hour without moving a muscle while someone
reads the Old Testament book of Numbers to you. [Change of Command,
Retirement, etc.]

5. While driving in foggy weather, instruct your children to turn
around and look out back window and make reports on anything they see.
[Low Visibility Watch]. [ PO Petras]

6. Have you wife set off the smoke alarm. Grab a pair of headphones
(without walkman) and mic (without cord), run into the kitchen and
stand by the stove. To no one in particular say "Stove manned and
ready". Stand there for four hours doing nothing. DO NOT sit down.
After four hours say "Stove secured", once again to no one in
particular. Return to your regular business. [ PO Rich]

7. String lines (ropes) from your roof to your neighbor's roof at 0500
(5am) have all family members assemble on the roof wearing lifejackets
and hard hats. Stand around until 0800 (8am). Send everyone inside and
tell them it will be 2 hours until they will be needed and they should
get breakfast. Wait until they get the first fork of food in their
mouth and call them back to the roof. Transfer the contents of your
neighbor's garage to your garage using the lines strung from roof to
roof. Repeat every 3 days changing the times to randomly interrupt
every meal. [Underway Replenishment at Sea - Unrep] [BM2 x]

8. Assemble the family at the local high school football field at 0600
(6am) every day. Have the kids line up side by side to the full width
of the field. Tell them you have hidden a gold nugget on the field and
if they find it they won't have to line up at the football field for
one day. Hint: It is very small. Also inform them that mom is behind
them and that she likes to collect things. Have the kids walk slowly
toward the other side of the field, heads down, no talking, picking up
every piece of chewed gum, lint, or pebble and hand it to mom to put
in her handbag. Remind the children that there is a golden nugget so
they will be excited and look more intensely. The purpose of the hunt
is to keep the mower from sucking something into the blades and
spitting it out the other side. [FOD Walk Down] [ Brad]

9. Twice a week at 0230 have your neighbor sneak into your house with
a bell and a bullhorn Instruct him to get as close to you as possible
without waking you then ring the bell and scream through the bullhorn
"Fire! Fire! Fire! There is a Class Alpha Fire in the Galley!" As soon
as you pick yourself off the overhead, get half dressed and run for
the door have him yell. "This is a drill!" [Fire Drill] [DC2 Scott
Corbitt]

10. Install a 10 inch composite loop fire main system in your house.
Designate a closet in your house as a repair locker, equip it with
firefighting gear. Hold fire, smoke, and flooding drills every day.
[DC3 Dustin Strong]
 
 

Module 3 : Work and Watch Standing
1. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. If
you miss a week or fudge complete disassembly, hold a trial and
restrict yourself to the house for a month.

2. On six month intervals disassemble, inspect and reassemble your car
engine using only a 12" crescent wrench and screwdriver.

3. Require your family to qualify to operate all the appliances in
your home (example: Qualified Dishwasher Operator, Qualified Blender
Technician, Qualified Toaster Operator, etc.). Hold weekly one hour
classes after working hours on such enlightened topics as "Breathing,"
"Hand Washing," and "Walking."

4. Walk around your car for four hours, check the tire pressure, oil
level, and fuel level every 15 minutes and keep an accurate log
(record book) of the readings.

5. Don your Sunday best and go stand on your front porch for four
hours. Repeat every two days but at different times, including after
midnight [ CWO4 Al Canfield]

6. Periodically run your life on an "8 on 8 off" routine. Work 8 hours
at your normal day job. Take care of your personal matters during the
next 8 hours. On the next 8 hours off, have an 18 wheeler from your
grocer distributor pull up in front of your house. Gather all your
neighbors, form a human chain gang from the truck down to your
basement (be sure to route it through the backyard to avoid "officer's
country"). Pass all of the contents of the truck hand-to-hand down to
the basement. Turn your cap around and go on your normal work shift.
Repeat the process the next 8 off shift, but this time unload a
truckload of high explosives. [ David W. Den Beste]

7. Remove the contents of a walk-in closet and replace with three
desks. At the nearest Salvation Army Thrift Store salvage the oldest
computer that you can find (make sure that that at least two vowel
keys stick) and set it on one of the desks. Take three of your
"closest" friends into the closet and shut the door. Give everyone a
five page article to type and a 15 minute deadline. As one is typing,
have the other two talk, tell jokes, and hit each other. As you type
the last page, have someone unplug the computer (do not save the
document). Attempt to retype the document with people yelling, "Hurry
up." Repeat five times a day. [ Chief Kleinsmith]

8. With the help of your two six-year old nephews and a 1976 auto
manual, replace the starter in your 1987 car, working only from the
top. Have your father-in-law remind you every 3 minutes that you have
15 minutes to finish because the car is needed for the next mission
(trip). [ Paul Basso]

9. Stand by the phone from 12 A.M. to 4 A.M. with a log book, fire
bell, and intrusion alarm panel within reach. Mount a gauge on the
wall to read your house's water pressure. Have your youngest child
walk around with a tape measure to see if your house is flooding.
He/she must check each room every hour and report back to you that all
conditions are normal. With each report, phone a neighbor and tell him
all conditions are normal at your house and report the water pressure.
Have your child wake up your spouse (watch relief) a half hour prior
to the end of your watch so he/ she is sure to be 15 minutes late
relieving you. This will ensure you get two solid hours of sleep
before you have to wake up and face another day. [DCC (SW/AW) Curtis]
 
 

Module 4 : Quality of Life
1. Invite 200 to 1000 of your 'not so closest' friends to come over.
Board up all the windows and doors to your house for six months. After
6 months take down the boards. But, since you're on duty, wave at your
family through the front window of your home. You and one third of the
'friends' can't leave until the next day.

2. Shower, eat, and sleep with the above mentioned friends never more
than an arm's length away. Instruct 10% of the 'friends' NOT to shower
on a regular basis and an additional 10% NOT to change clothes more
than once a month.

3. Cook all your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning
you can reach. Fry everything. Serve cold. [Special note: You must not
gain weight on this diet while locked in the house for six months.]

4. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month. Instruct them
to lose every fifth item and to send every other week's mail randomly
to Japan or Italy.

5. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN
and the Weather Channel.

6. Have your 5 year old cousin give you a hair cut with hedge
clippers.

7. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

8. Work at McDonalds for four years. Do the same routine job. Do NOT
get promoted even to "Fries Manager."

9. Needle gun (compressed air powered impact device for paint
chipping) the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have
gone to bed.

10. Instruct your doctor to only dispense "aspirin" to you no matter
what the ailment or complaint.

11. Gather all the neighborhood washing and mix the clothing in a
pile. Rip off every other button, pour bleach directly on the pile,
stuff the washing machine to maximum capacity, DO NOT separate by
colors. Partially dry items and redistribute the "clean" items in a
random fashion.

12. On the hottest, most humid day of the year, close all the doors
and windows in your house, remove all fans for preventive maintenance
and disassemble the air conditioner. On the coldest day of the year
disable your heating system. All family members must wear sweaters,
heavy coats and gloves indoors to keep ice from forming on body parts.
If going outdoors for any occasion everyone must appear uniform and be
wearing a cover (hat). If one person doesn't have a coat and gloves, all
must go without. [ PO Petras]

13. Stand in line for an hour to buy a candy bar and soda, only to
find out the store is out of sodas and the candy bar is melted from
the heat. [Paul Basso]

14. Cut the ends out of two juice cans, place them over your ears to
distort the sound while watching your TV. [Paul Basso]

15. Do your laundry using only the rinse cycle with paint thinner for
detergent. Dry for 10 minutes and randomly redistribute. [AD1(AW/NAC)
Dale Bishop]
 
 
 

Module 5 : Leave and Liberty
1. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
worst part of town, find the most run down trashy bar, pay $10 per
beer, and then walk home in the freezing cold.

2. Submit a special request chit (form) to your father-in-law, asking
if it is okay for you to leave your house before 1500 (3 pm). You must
submit the request chit in person two days in advance. Instruct your
father-in-law to hide for added realism.

3. Spend two weeks in the filthiest sea port red light districts of
Europe or Hong Kong, and call it "seeing the world."
 
 

Module 6 : Leadership
Chief Petty Officer Section:

1. After 20 or so years of following these guidelines, have your
wife's 22 year old brother come over, take charge and spend the next
two years telling you what you are doing wrong. Then have your 21 year
old son's best friend do the same thing for the next two years.

2. Have your father-in-law require you to write a 300 page work
package prior to authorizing you to take the lawnmower apart. Make
sure that he changes all of your adjectives to synonyms and require
you to re-write the entire package at least three times before he
authorizes the work. The end result package should look exactly like
the first one you submitted.

3. After you get permission to start work, have the most mechanically
inclined member of your house assigned to wash dishes, the next most
gifted assigned to sweep out the bedrooms, etc. until the most
mechanically inept member of your household takes the lawnmower apart
while you observe. He should put it back together incorrectly several
times.

4. Report to your father-in-law that the work is complete, and explain
everything that you did and why. Write a 300 page incident report
regarding each incorrect assembly. Use the same approval process as
the work package.

5. Draft a training program and force everyone in the house to attend
the lawnmower procedure training. Even if they did not and never will
touch the lawnmower. Explain to each member how important the training
is. Write a final exam that the Briggs and Stratton engineers would
fail, and re-train everyone that doesn't get 75 percent correct.

6. Hold a ceremony to promote and congratulate the kid that screwed up
the lawnmower, your wife's 24 year old brother, and anyone else who
had nothing to do with fixing it. Give yourself a poor evaluation in
leadership.

7. When it's over make up stories to tell young folks that make it
sound fun.
[CPO Section: Senior Chief Faulconer]

Petty Officer Section:

1. When you reach age 35 invite a young college kid over to your
house, salute him, call him sir, put him in charge of everything that
he doesn't know anything about. Laugh at him behind his back. [ PO
Petras]

Officer Section:

1. Work your buns off to graduate from college with a degree in
physics. Join the Navy for patriotic reasons. Stand continuous 4 on 8
off watches while simultaneously babysitting ten thumb sucking
adolescents and placating two fighting mid menopause goats. Be held
responsible for every word, deed, thought and failure of your
division. Ignore the good people and spend most your time solving the
social problems of a couple brain dead delinquents. Pray non stop that
one of your charges doesn't electrocute or otherwise maim themselves
and that Atilla the Hun's brother (XO) doesn't add to your list of 42
collateral duties. [LTjg X]