I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps.

I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harrassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.

After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.

On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "COMPANY."

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school.

I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.

So help me God. Signature:__________________ Date:_______________

The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8 If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the military food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the new Navigator.

12. Wait until my annual efficiency report and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Up walked the first guy.
St. Peter asked, "What's 2+2?"
The 1st warrior answered: "3"
"NO" said St. Peter.
"5" ?
NO" said St. Peter.
"4"
"Yes, in you go!"

Up comes the second warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"
He answered, "The Square root of 16."
Very impressed St. Peter allows him past.

Up comes the third warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"
"It's greater than 2."
"Yes"
"But less than 6"
"Yes"
"It's greater than 3"
"Yes"
"But less than 5"
"Yes"
"It's 4"
"Well done; in you go!"

Up comes the fourth warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"
"It's 5, Ooo-Rahhhhh!!!" and with no pause he barges past St. Peter and in through the pearly gates.

Observing all this, an angel asked St. Peter, "What was all that about?"

St. Peter answered, "It's perfectly obvious: there must be a war on earth, and those four men were all military officers who have been killed."

"How can you tell they were officers?" inquires the angel.

"The first guy was a Navy engineer, dumb as seaweed and crude as mud, but he kept hammering away until he got through."

"The second guy was an Air Force pilot, who gave me more information than I really required."

"The third guy was in Army artillery, who was uncomfortable with any firm answer, but was bracketing to zero in on the correct answer."

"But what about the fourth guy?" inquired the angel. "He got it wrong, and then tore through the gates anyway."

"Ahh," said St. Peter, "that was the Marine -- dumber than dirt, but you've just gotta love 'em."

"Join our fast-paced company:"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual work atmosphere:"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"Some overtime required:"
Some every night and some every weekend.

"Duties will vary:"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an eye for detail:" We have no quality assurance.

"Career-minded:"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"Apply in person:"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience:"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

"Problem-solving skills a must:"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills:"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good communication skills:"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.