The Elfpvke FAQ - Revision 8x+3y*7z+4q
Section A. Personal Life
A-01. Who are you and what the hell are you doing naked in my living room?
I go by a lot of names, the most recent being Elfpvke, since about 1997. Before
that, I was Elfpuke (ooooh, big difference) since 1995, and that's one I still
use from time to time. Before that, I was Earlobe, and sometimes I am called
The Artist Formerly Known As Earlobe (cute symbol deleted.) Before that I was
WyzzK'idd, the perpetually clueless perpetually dead MUD fighter. Before
that, I have all my memories blocked out. The therapist said it was for my
own good.
Way before that I didn't exist. After that I was an unnamed fetus with the
last name Ober. A little after that I got the first name Carl. I got a
middle name too, but there is no way I'm telling you that.
And I'm not in your living room. You've been daydreaming again.
A-02. How old are you?
I've claimed to be 17 since 1993. Some sources say I was born in
summer 1976. Those sources are wrong. Buscopaz thinks I was born in
1975. She's even more wrong. I'll give you a hint, though, and say I was
born a few months after the release of Star Wars Episode 4: A New Hope (that's
the 'first' one, in case you weren't sure.)
A-03. Where do you live now?
Woodbury, Connecticut, a happenin' place which I've "lived"
in for about five years. I say "lived" because it's utterly devoid of
life unless you count the flea market and antique car show. I am trying
desperately to get out, but until that time, I'm on exit 15 off I-84, go
up Route 6 for about 5 miles, I'm in the green house on the left. Blue car
parked out front. I desperately need visitors, provided they aren't trying
to kill or harass me.
A-04. What's your phone number?
Call up any phone solicitor and ask. My number must be on all their
lists by now.
A-05. What's your pager number?
Like I need any MORE pages at 4 in the morning.
A-06: a/s/l?
Always, Sometimes, Never? I've taken too many tests.
A-07: What do you look like?
I look like Freddie Mercury, but with tighter pants. :) Really,
I'm balding, overweight, and hairy, below-average height and not much
in the way of muscle tone either. On top of that, I am not yellow and
don't have four fingers, so I can't even be a Homer Simpson impersonator.
A few people still consider me cute in spite of all this. They're
totally crazy and I crazy love them all.
A 1/2: Haben sie hobbys?
I play pool every other Monday and suck colossally at it. Did
I spell that right? I attend two college anime clubs during the school
year, in Yale and UConn, nowhere near where I live. Occasionally I go
to anime conventions and act foolish. Rarely, I drink. I have gone to
Charlottesville, VA every New Years' Eve since 1994, and the past 8 of
those I smoked on that day alone. I go on little trips to meet people
I know online sometimes. 90% of the time it's fun. Oh yeah, and I
take pitchers. I used to consider myself quite good, and for a whole
month and a half I was a "pro". Occasionally, I play DDR where I do okay
on one, two, and three step songs, almost pass four step songs, and
colossally fail the rest.
Section 2. Love Life
2-01. Are you a virgin?
I was born in Virginia, but I haven't lived there since 1995.
You meant Virginian, right?
2-02. Do you have a girlfriend?
Do you have an understanding of the concept of privacy? Okay, that's
a fancy way of saying not really.
2-03. Exes?
Online only, numbering in the dozens. Okay, one dozen. 13 is my
lucky number. You know what they say, if at first you don't succeed, try
the exact same approach over and over again until you're completely
demoralized. I've met a small but significant fraction of those.
Most of them are very nice people who had the bad luck to meet
someone like me online.
2-04. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
A tumbleweed.
Section D. Online Life (See Section 2)
D-01. How long have you been online?
Since 1985.
D-02. How long have you REALLY been online?
Seriously! I got online when I was 7. Playing Dungeon Hack (then
called 'rogue') on a dumb terminal in UVA does count! Then I hit BBSes around
12 (Remember those? Busy signals and huge phone bills?), but it wasn't until
15 that I got my 'own' account through a nice little machine at UVA called
hopper. Which was torn down 1 1/2 years later by the greedy tightwads at the
ITC department to pave the way for the wonderful internet service providers,
the world wide web, corporations, and porno sites and ads up the wazoo. Argh!!
D-03. What's your hot or not rating?
I try to this day to get above a 6. Ah, the impossible dream.
D-04. How much time do you spend online?
You're implying there are other places to spend my time. Silly.
666. DO YOU WORSHIP SATAN!??!?!?!?
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
Section !@#%@#. My Job
!@#%@#-01. Are you really disgruntled?
Only when I don't want any extra work.
!@#%@#-02. Where do you work?
Way the hell away from where I live. The powers that be
(most of whom have moustaches) thought it would build character for
me to drive 3 hours every day, go from a huge drafty office to a
nice snug cubicle, and *shudder* interact with people. Good lord.
!@#%@#-03. What do you do?
I sit in front of a screen and stare incomprehensibly most of
the time. I pretend I am not in way over my head and I hope like hell
nobody will notice that I am. I type really fast, some of the time not
in an instant message or browser window. I talk on the phone, but my
people skills are still quite limited. I am a rising star in the junk
mail industry and if I can work ninety hours a week like the other
lemmings cannot, one day I, too, will have achieved pure greatness.
But honestly, I'd rather have a life :)
Section X: Who I'm not.
X-01: I loved your inspiring book, "How Music Came To The World" written
by yourself and your brother Hal, although he gets named first, the
spotlight-hogging bastard.
I don't have a brother Hal. I can't get along with the brother I
do have for 20% of the thanksgiving holiday much less write a book with him.
I also know doodley-squat about music. Actually, nobody gets me confused
with these fine authors because I suspect nobody read their book.
X-02: I loved you in "Casablanca" that Deanna Durbin movie, "It's a
Date" as Carl the waiter.
Thank you, but that was S. Z. Sakall. While we probably look
about the same, the fact remains that he died 22 1/2 years before I was
born. I guess I could be his reincarnation. It's funny that I also
know couple of Durbins back home.
X-03: Are you an Alaskan river guide?
No, but I know who you're talking about. He's pretty scary
looking. I'm not sure I even know how to find a river much less guide
one.
X-04: Are you related to William B. Ober, the late author or "Bottom's Up:
A Pathologist's Essays On Medicine And The Humanities?"
No. Maybe distantly.
X-05: Are you related to---
No.
X-06: How about----
No.
X-07: Are you related to that medical illustrator?
Actually, yes, I'm his son. Which is surprising because I'm
bad at drawing stick figures much less anything else. I worked there
briefly removing labels.
Section 8. Crazy stuff
8-01. Are you crazy?
I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything.
8-02. I know what you did to that girl.
I know what you did to that sheep. And don't get me started
about the camel. You sick freak.
8-03. I know where you live.
Of course you do, I gave you directions on this page.
8-04. You're too negative.
If my negativity offends you, I apologize. Let me make it up
to you by throwing you in front of a speeding truck.
8-05. You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.
S. E. S. S. S. N. E. N. E. NW. get treasure. drop cage. open cage.
molest bird. cast aimfiz on bozbar. ask freda to go into the kitchen
and get me some pie. get crowbar and swing it as hard as you can towards
the computer screen because that damn cyclops keeps killing you because
you didn't get that you have to do something weird and off the wall like
say 'ULYSSES' and freak him out. Who in the hell writes these text games
anyway!?
8-06. Leland Q. Shucklebutt was here.
I missed you so much, sonny boy. You never call, you never
write, you're worrying your poor old mother to death. Come in, sit down,
sugar, have some tea and strumpets, um, er, crumpets. You're going to stay
all month, right? Keep me company? No? Break my heart, why don't you!
8-07. I can't think of any more questions so I'm leaving.
Later.