Hey!!!!! You are not Amy…..No matter, go ahead and read on, it is unlikely that Amy will ever read this, I suspect she shuns technology as much as possible, hence, I will not speak to her directly. Let me just say that this is highly out of character for me. I am quite shy and reserved by nature, not one to express my feelings overtly, but it is time to get this out there for all the world to see (all three of you that accidentally happened upon this page by accident I’m sure).
I first met Amy as a sophomore in Windsor High School, located in the small village of Windsor in upstate New York. Actually, my sister introduced us, in spite of the fact that I was generally a cruel brother. From the moment we met, I knew she was the “One”, pretty audacious thinking for a hormone raging teenager. We spent the next two years going steady (am I dating myself?). I can fondly recall holding her hand in the hallways, sneaking a kiss outside the band room at the bottom of the stairwell, sitting in the back of the dark school bus to and from some athletic event. We talked on the phone when we were apart. We had this system whereby we could feel the phone ring before it actually rung, and pick it up before our parents heard it. I don’t think I have ever talked with another woman, friend or otherwise, like we talked. She was the love of my life, my best friend, the first one I thought of in the morning and the last one I thought of before going to bed. Just before the end of my junior year, I opened my locker and there was “The” note and my ring. She was breaking up with me, I don’t recall any special reason cited as the cause, but as it turned out, it was another guy. Approximately seven years later, we were together very briefly but a very beautiful brief time from my point of view. The time was short, but the flame was still intense and I will always cherish those moments. I still have and read a book of poetry by e.e. cummings that she gave me.
So, you’re sitting there wondering why this all too common story is not ended. No big deal, just another story of adolescent first love, blah blah blah.
Most of us have spoken of, or at least thought about, this elusive being called our soul mate, that one person in this world that we all strive to find (except for those of you who have several soul mates). Now I don’t know if soul mates really exist or not, and I suspect that most people in this world never find theirs, but I know in my heart that I found mine and she was Amy. My only problem is, she never figured this out.
Much to the detriment of others, I still love Amy, always have and always will. I still think about her every day, and we are talking a LOT of days here, going on 34 years or so! Now, I have been very fortunate to win the love of other women through the years, and I have strived to love them as best as I could, but there was always that piece of my heart reserved for Amy, these other women never knew her by name or even knew of her for that matter, but I suspect they all sensed her sooner or later. There were times when I thought I had finally slew this beast, but then, out of nowhere, she would rise again into my psyche and I was doomed. Needless to say, they ultimately leave me, and who could blame them. I certainly do not.
So why don’t you just go to her, you ask………..
We
have been in contact on several occasions usually very briefly. I even attempted to explain to her how I
feel, probably very badly to. She has
generally deflected my overtures, or outright ignored me. One time she responded to me with these
exact words, “I can't
correspond, for the sakes of my marriage and family”. I would be lying
if I did not admit that I was crushed, but after some thought I determined that
this person was not the Amy I knew, but I know she is still in there
somewhere. We once had a very long
discussion regarding what a relationship should be and the Amy I knew would not
have defined it in this way. Well, I’m
sorry to say that if you must forsake lifelong friends, then you don’t have a
marriage, you are imprisoned and the marriage is already a travesty. I have a new flash for you, if you wake up
every morning, cook breakfast, trudge to work, go home, cook dinner, and go to
bed then you are not living you are existing.
Listen up…….When today has ended, the time is gone and you can never
have it back, you will never get that time back in this lifetime. I’ve come to learn this a little late in
life, but somehow I am going to force myself to seize the day, continue to
pursue my dreams and live each day like it is my last, because this moment in
time right here, right now, can never be relived. How can someone die if they have never lived? I have been places, seen things, and worse,
done things that most of you can’t even imagine. Life has not always gone the way I would have liked (most of the
time if truth be known), but by God, I can say that I lived. I
just hope that she is not setting herself up for a very nasty fall, when this
world she has erected comes crumbling down.
As long as I am present on this earth I will be there for her, I hope
she knows that.
I would have been happy with whatever she could give, whether that is her love, or friendship, or whatever. Perhaps she never realized that with one word from her, I would have left wherever I was, dropped whatever I was doing and came to her regardless of where she was. I have often asked myself where did I go wrong? Did I love her too much, not love her enough? Was I too attentive, was I not attentive enough? Did she want something out of life that she felt I could not provide? Perhaps she never loved me, perhaps she has always loved me. Were either or both of us too scared to pursue what we really wanted in our loves? Do we really know what we want from life? I’m absolutely sure I do.
Well to answer the question, it is none of the above. The answer is…………..
She did not want me……………………
Maybe I’m just an old fool that wasted his entire life pursuing some phantom love that never really was. Well maybe so maybe not, but I love her nonetheless. I will never hear from her or see her again. That is her choice, I know where she is and could contact her, but I don’t want to intrude upon her unless invited. I just want her to know that there is someone out there, that did love her, does love her, and will always love her no matter what. I don’t regret anything; I do regret that I could not do what was needed to make her love me…
So is there a point to this diatribe?
Well actually, No! If you must have a moral, then a good one to be……..
Most of us go through life thinking there is plenty of time, putting off what is really important until later, then one day you suddenly realize your about out of time. Could I have changed the outcome of this story? I don’t know, but I wish I had tried. So, if you are with someone who deserves your love, love him or her like there is no tomorrow, because when you think about it, there is no tomorrow.
I guess some people have read this by now and may be wondering why I would write this and throw it to the world. Some of you don’t need to ask. Anyway, I suppose what this actually is a modern day version of a note in a bottle.
Some of my fellow Internet travelers will come across this bottle, and their curiosity will get the better of them. Some will relate to these words, others will scoff me, or wonder what kind of fool I am. Well for those who may think that I have drifted off the deep end, perhaps you need to look inward. I would say that you have never really loved someone, I suspect that a great many of the people in this world will never really know what love should be about. Then there are those readers who think that this is just a last ditch effort to somehow win back Amy’s heart. Nope, sorry folks….. You see, whether Amy ever reads this or hears of this is unimportant, I am just some distant memory to her. Beyond anything else between her and I, we were good friends once, and I think we could be good friends again. I really miss that the most.
So…………..I’ve corked the bottle, and tossed it into that vast sea of the Internet. I’m letting go; I’m saying Goodbye to her…………………………..The ultimate act of love in my humble opinion.
Let me end this with the lyrics from one of my favorite songs that pretty much sums up this story:
After All (Love Theme from 'Chances
Are')
Duet With Peter Cetera, Cher
written by Don Snow/Dean Pitchford
-------------------------
Well here we are again I guess it must be fate
We've tried it on our own but deep inside we've known
We'd be back to set things straight
I still remember when your kiss was so brand new
Every memory repeats, every step I take retreats
Every journey always brings me back to you
After all the stops and starts
We keep coming back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
And after all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be forever you and me
After all
When love is truly right(this time it's truly right)
It lives from year to year, it changes as it grows
And oh the way it grows but it never disappears
Always just beyond my touch
Though I needed you so much
After all what else is living for, oh
“………..and then there was silence”
8 – 3 – 1
Semper Fi
P.S.
After much thought
about all this, I think there is a moral to this story
after all:
"Don't look for this years birds in last years
nests"
If you don't recognize that quote you need to start
reading something besides todays pop literature. It'll change
your life, I promise.