I was walking on the seashore with my feet carving shapes in the rocks because my toes are like fingers and they can hold carving tools.  4 or 5 crabs ran by sideways and some seagulls flew by leaving little mementos.  When I got to the shoreline I said, "Sea God, come out," but he just stayed in the water.

Never write "soup of the day" on your arm or your pants or something or else everyone will always ask you, "hey, what is it today?"

I think it’d be cool if they made real ink jets.  You could write those neat messages in the sky with any color you wanted.

Sadam Who’s Not sane

The other day, I overheard my friend’s wife say, “I’m so glad I’m married to you.”  That sounds so stupid because it’s pretty obvious that she’s married at him.

I was at Circuit City the other day, feeling kinda blue, so I asked if they had any motivational speakers.  I guess they were all out.

My Aunt Louise gave me a Mr. Mister CD for Christmas so I popped it in my CD changer.  It came out Kenny G.  You win some, you lose some.

Why didn’t God galvanize people, like for wars and stuff?

Fortify. Forty-six.

People sign release forms that say there gonna use general anesthetic.  I mean, at least tell me what kind.

Or local anesthetic.  What a relief.  I guess it’s a good thing they quit using that stuff imported from Cuba.

What if the NRA were really the NRA?  Like for their meetings, a bunch of rifles would sit around and talk about their plantations.  I wonder what they’d eat.  Hmm…I bet all the Winchesters would stick together.

How do normal masons even compete with freemasons?

At my wedding, the preacher said, “Till death do us part.”  So I’m thinking that when my wife ever dies, I’ll be like, “See ya.”

You saw the damage hurricane George caused.  Good thing it wasn’t hurricane Lenny.

My friend Don asked me to spot him while he was pumping iron.  No sooner had the bar landed on his neck than I yelled, “Hey, there you are!”

My history teacher wanted a 1,500-word essay on the Franco-Prussian War, so I brought in a picture and told him, “Hey, it paints a thousand words.”  He gave me this terrible look.  I felt so stupid.  I mean, what was I thinking.  The next day I brought him half of another picture.

In Russian, “Vich” means son.  That Yeltsin is one vichofabitch.

Truman was a president and he never had polio.  So why did Roosevelt get polio?  Did he just say, "polio-oh polio won't get me."

Do you ever feel cold?  Well maybe there is sort of a draft or something.  I mean, when I feel cold, first I blow into my hands.  Next I just say, "oh please, get warm."

I swear that whenever I'm not looking, that lamppost just stares at me or something.  But when I turn around, it just stops.

Hey, what color is a thought anyway?
 
Sometimes I like to call my mom.  I just say, "Here mom!"

If someone ever asks how old you are just say, "old enough to kill you!"

Do you ever hear a siren and wonder which kind of emergency vehicle it is?  Well, if you just take a guess, you'll probably be right.

Once my mom said, "mind your manners."  Who ever heard of that.

If your dog ever fetches something else that's not slippers or the paper, like medicine or a rose, you should just kill it.

You know, fist size is important.  I mean, what is some guy just walks up to you and says, "if you have big fists you win!"

Just because you call yourself rich doesn't mean you are.  See, watch:  Just say, "I'm rich."

Know what?  I always hit people in the back but their faces never stick.

At night when I look out at the cars I think that they talk to me.  They just say, "come here little boy, we won't harm you."  Boy do cars lie.

Once a girl called me "free wheelin'."  What is "free wheelin'?"

I remember when I was little, my dad would stand outside at night and watch the sun set.  I always liked it better to watch the TV set.

First you should just start with a straight line or a crooked one.  Or a circle.  When you draw it then you should see it start to come to life.  If you get discouraged, just keep going.  After a while you should be done.  But if you're still discouraged then just stop and give up.

Do you ever get nervous?  Well just don't worry because when you're nervous, just think about someone you hate being nervous.  Then just smile and don't be nervous.  You know, it's okay to be nervous.

NUCLEAR WEAPONS ARE A PART OF WAR.  I mean what do you think war is...it's with NUCLEAR WEAPONS!

Nowadays instead of saying, "hey, do you want to go for a ride," you should just say, "hey, let's go."

What is life?  I think that life is like a pea pod only when you open up you just get on fire.  You just say, "ooh, that's hot!"

Do you ever choke? Liar!!!  Everybody chokes.

If you hate someone and want them to die a slow, painful death, just say, "here, have a smoke."

In America we have jackrabbits and in Australia they have kangaroos.  But in Russia they just have little bugs.

Shh...I think I heard something.  Oh, it was nothing.

I dreamed that I was a bird only I didn't fly but instead I just walked.  I walked each place that I went and my bird friends just laughed.  One day my sister saw me and said, "fly or else you know what."  I didn't know what but I just flew around.

I'm always sad when soap operas are over because I really don't like having to watch that fat lady in the bubble bath sing.

My two cats fought and one died.  So the pregnant one lost and then the kittens were born and they saw the mom cat dead.  One kitten said, "who killed mommy?" and the dad said, "you did when you were born!"

My mom sits up on the toilet and just farts.  Nothing ever comes out but when she farts, I throw rocks in the toilet.

One gun can kill many people.  So can a knife.  But a knife just uses a blade and a gun just uses bullets.  So which will you want?  Go ahead and choose.

I wrote a song a few years ago but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.  Sometimes when I turn on the radio I go, "hmm...maybe that's it."*

I tried to buy a camouflage jacket the other day but I couldn't find one.*

I wonder how come the guy who wrote the alphabet isn't suing everyone for plagiarism.  He'd make a fortune.*

One night I was playing poker with my friends and we used tarot cards.  I got a full house and four of them died.*

So the man says, "hey, get off my truck!!  What do you think you own the whole world?"  That's when I pull out the deed.

At church, when the priest says "Amen," just say, "don't talk to me like that you bastard of one thousand wolves!"
I wonder in the Harlem Boy Scouts if they have a hair-weaving merit badge.
If you go into a cave and see a bunch of bats, steal them.
I want to live in Greece so people won't notice my skin problem.
Girls make me sick--especially when I kiss one with the flu.
Have you ever tried chewing on a jellyfish bone.  Of course you haven't, silly, can you imagine how bad it would sting?
How does a catfish get along with itself?
If I had lead feet, that's where I'd store my gun for when I hi-jack jetliners.
My mom told me not to talk with my mouth full so I took out my dentures.
When it's the dark and no one is watching I like turn on the lights and tell everyone to watch.
Whenever I run over some idiot guy on a road somewhere I put a sign out as a warning:  "Dip In The Road."
If someone still doesn't understand the concept of fingerprints after you've explained it for an hour, give them a visual aid-- poke them I the eye.
I used to wonder why they call that place with the toilet the "rest"room; at least until I realized how long my dad takes in there.  Now the only question is why they don't call it the living room instead.
(or) My dad's living room is the bathroom.
I was considering naming my first-born son Bowel Movement Oler, but could you imagine the ridicule he'd get with the initials B.M.?
I used to have a love affair with a fishing pole; until all that stupid communist started to talk about was how many red snappers she could reel in.
After the horse finished relieving himself in the distance, I refocused my binoculars on the small dark mound.  "Do you think I could get it from here," I said to my friend, aiming the rifle.  "Well," he said, "It's a crap shoot."
Of all the wells, I think Orson could hold the most water.
Instead of submarines for underwater warfare, we should just use fish tanks.
What if your name was Mike; short for Micatin?
After my dad beats me up on rainy days he calls his buddies up and says, "Over here the son is shining."
Yesterday I went around my house putting Scotch tape on all my mirrors so I won't accidentally walk through one into another dimension.*

I know seven languages.  Unfortunately, I'm illiterate in six of them.*

Last night my mom said I had to make the kitchen floor shine like the top of the Chrysler building.  Well, I was feeling sort of lazy so I just climbed up to the top of the Chrysler building and I made it all dirty and then I went to bed.

Do you want to get rich quick?  Well, if you do, it's easy.  Just go rob the national debt.

Little children kill me.  Hey Tommie, put that thing down...

Politicians are honest people (don't even try to figure it out because you won't be able to).

Hitler didn't want to die so he killed himself.

Dyslexics of the world, untie.*

Every once in a while I like to stare up into the sky and pose for a satellite picture.*

I thing that chickens are just an eggs way of making another egg.*

If a girl has a shirt on that says "Guess" on the chest, I think that you should.  Like say, "hmm...38DD?"

When I woke up this morning my mom asked if I slept well.  I said, "no, I made a few mistakes."*

I don't think that my parents like me.  When I was six, they bought me a quicksand box.*

Once I got pulled over for speeding and the policeman said, "do you know the speed limit is 65 miles per hour?"  I said, " yes, but I wasn't planning on being out that long."*

I think that calling a janitor a custodial engineer is like calling a hooker a genital technician.*

I bought some batteries but they weren't included so I had to buy them again.******

I think that the literary term, analogy, should actually be a science: the study of rear ends.

In the midst of the Suez Canal crisis, there was mass confusion.  But I wasn't alive and I was able to laugh.  Now, I won't laugh because now I am alive.  Instead, I'll just shoot some negative 35-year-old kid up in heaven when he laughs at me.

I was in Geometry class today and we were finding the midpoints of graphed triangles.  After doing a sample problem, my teacher said, "It's not hard, it's just long."*

Do you ever notice that the older you are, the younger you aren't?

Yesterday was plain awful.  Today is peanut awful.

Once I saw a guy that was big and round with a huge hole in his torso walking through an alley door.  I walked to where I saw him go in and I tried to enter but these two big guys wouldn't let me.  One of them snickered, "can't you read?" and that's when I noticed the sign on the door: DONUT ENTER.

Once I saw a cat land on its back--but then I woke up.

Don't you just hate it when a family of crows just nestles into your beard?

One time I saw this sign on a wall that read, "WANTED: a horse that is strong and willing to pull a large family that never showers or eats.  And the horse can’t like food."  What??

If someone says "don't move or I'll shoot," just move.  I mean it's not like he said, "I won't shoot if you don't move."

Call me crazy but isn't that Jeff?  "Hey Crazy But Isn't That Jeff, can I borrow a pencil?"  Very funny.

Did you know that if you blink at the same time that you stick toothpicks between your eyelids then you will just hear "rippp!!"

Old men make me sick...I said old men make me sick...What are you, dea--oh, never mind.  You're an old man, aren't you?

Hey, aren't you...no, you can't be...but maybe...aren't you...you know--fungus?

If someone ever asks you what it's like to be tall, don't tell them; just step on their face.

If you're ever kissing the Blarney Stone, give it tongue.*

Don't judge homosexual cats because, I mean, they can't help it.  They were just born that way.

For our engagement, my fiancée said she wanted a nice ring.  Well, I got her a different kind--the kind that's got an attitude problem.

Wouldn't it be neat to live in bottom of the Grand Canyon?  Yeah, if you like to drown.

If Wold War II was from 1939-1945, shouldn't the War of 1812 have been from 3749-3755.

If this is a capital "A," then I wonder what capital numbers are.  Hmm... I know--!@#$%^&*(_).

While arguing with my Calculus teacher about his attendance, I overheard my friend say, "...but in the past I was present!"

Nowadays you should go to Manpower or Ann Wells (temp agencies) to find a spouse.

If you want to be Rich Quick, just go to the Dimension Master and tell him.  I think he'd probably name you Rich Quick in another dimension.

I got a hole in a pair of my pants.  I was really frustrated because the more I tried to cut it out the bigger it got.

If father knows Best, what does mother know?  Target?

How can you read a tale if it just keeps wagging?

Never stay out too late if you don't want to die because once it's midnight then you die.  Tick-tock, tick-tock...

Why is it that when someone takes your picture, they usually give it back?

If you want to be a murderer but you don't want to go to prison, just get pregnant and then have an abortion.

Isn't it fun reminiscing with people you don't know?*

Pregnant ladies are funny.  I mean, what?  Do they think they can just walk around like that without someone laughing?

Once I saw this lady walking into a building.  I asked her why she was doing it, and she said that she liked that neat crunching sound that it made.
 
I was bored last Sunday so I splashed some water on my face, messed up my hair, and walked into the dry cleaners and yelled, "Hey, can you guys get the blood off these pants because I sure can't get it off the walls, but this thing is a polyester/cotton blend..."*

It was easter.  No-it was summer.  It was sunny and the cars were crashing all over because the drivers were tired and the sun was in their eyes.  One man, in particular-Sam-he was stopped sort of at the front of the traffic.  I don't know why, though, because if I was in front of traffic, I'd just drive away from it.  But anyway, he fell asleep whenever commercials on the radio were over.  Luckily, this made him feel safe always being awake.  Another guy-Bill-he always fell asleep.  But only when he was in traffic and it was sunny.  Cause the sun makes you tired or it makes your eyes close because it's bright or you sneeze a lot if you're allergic.  So what if you sneeze...

I've lived for the following years:  1974-Junior.

I was in a museum last week, and all that they there had was the heads and arms of those other statues.*

I hate it when I ask someone for a dollar and they say, "sorry, all I have is a little change."  I just say, "So what.  Give it to me anyway!"

One ugly Sunday morning, I was staring at the speaker on the pulpit, Jordan Smith, when I stopped breathing.  My heart kept beating, though, as if trying to put an air hole in my chest.  When I turned to look at my stepbrother, Greg, I saw that he was frowning and shifting forward and back on the bench.  He was complaining about how hot it was.  I turned to look at Andy and he had his hand in his pants; he wasn't frowning, though.  I started punching him in the head and motioning toward my mouth.  I mouthed the desperate words, "I am currently not possessing the human capacity to operate my lungs to their full and appropriate function," but when I hit him, he just responded by laughing.  The more it hurt him, the harder he laughed (that's just how he is).  Some blood from his left eyebrow was spraying the Wallworks in front of us, and they were sort of agitated.  He was nearly hyperventilating.  "C'mon," I thought, "help me!"  After a while he was unconscious.  I think he was dead.  Judie had her glasses on to better see Jordan (but she was still squinting), so I just grabbed them off her face and motioned to my open mouth.  I just smashed a HymnBook onto her lip and she grounded me and then ran out screaming.  Soon I no longer wanted to bear it, so I just fainted.

Talk to yourself: you could learn more than you think (No, actually, you will learn exactly what you think).

These guys I know kept grabbing themselves in math class the other day.  Well, I brought an axe the next day for a report on George Washington.  For some reason, they decided to stop.*

I don't think that you should say no to drugs.  I mean, if you're conversing with drugs, wouldn't it be sort of a lost cause?

What is the difference between a spoon and a sword?  Well, that's easy.  One is made by the same guy that makes a piece of bodily waste on the inside of your left butt-cheek (and the other is made by a spoonsmith).

Once I was reading a story in third period when a cat came up and was meowing to me.  I thought, "It must be trying to tell me something."  Then, I don't know where it came from, but I just said, "What!  Flippers in trouble?...Oh no!  But I can't just get up and leave--I mean in the middle of class and all."  Next I said, "But how can I stand not to help a friend in trouble like that?  I've got to help Flipper!"  Then I realized "Oh, this cat isn't trying to tell me anything--he's just drunk."

The other day I was walking in the forest alone.  A tree fell right in front of me but I didn't hear it.*

I was worried about my dad because he was such a heavy drinker, but everything's been okay since I got him on Jenny Craig.

Say this:  "Here doggy doggy doggy.  Here doggy...” Then say, "now do my homework!"

Roses are red, violets are blue.  I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.*

In talking to a raccoon one evening, I found that they aren't really shy at all.  In fact, I saw that once you get to know them, they'll even store your food for you.  Quite conveniently, when you want it, it can be attained in a compact and digested dung form.  It's really kinda neat.

Peace.  Peace is what makes mankind not so harsh or mean or fierce.  Every day I pray for peace.  Know what?  Once I prayed for war, but what happened?  NO WAR!

You've never seen me write in cursive, have you?  Asshole!  How's that?

I think that beer and mixed nuts can be accurately called food for lack of thought.

My friend was telling me about how his big date with Sharon Steinberg was such a flop:  "Yeah, she stood me up..."  "What!" I interrupted, "You mean you didn't even get to go out with her?"  He frowned impatiently, "Let me finish.  She had to stand me up--and hold me up for most of the date.  I got so drunk I couldn't even walk."  "What a card," I thought.

If you ever see a bullet coming at someone-stranger or not-I think that it is only common courtesy to warn them.

Newton's Third Law:waL drihT s'notweN

I'm sure glad my name isn't Jensen Murphy.  Just imagine if I tried to run for state legislature.  If I ever made a law, everything that could go wrong would go wrong.

Superstition is a load of B.S.!  Just talking about it seems like a bad omen (knock on wood).

I saw my friend, Randall crying so I approached him to find out what was wrong.  With tears streaming down his cheeks, he shook his head:  "How would you feel if you were stood up by destiny?!"  I couldn't even think of an honest response so I just said, "Okay, I guess."

I'll always remember the golden rule, and boy do I have a lot of teacher's knuckles to hit with it, too.

I wonder if Superman counts his chickens before they hatch.  He can if he really wants to, you know.

I think I know why American Indians are always saying "How."  Way back about a hundred years before Columbus first arrived, there was a settler-a white man-who was showing them how to cut that big hump off of their noses with an axe.  Well, he slipped and killed himself.  All white men look the same so whenever an American Indian sees one he has to ask, "how?"

Actually, Dan Quayle is Jack Kennedy.

Isn't saying "K-mart quality" kind of like saying "menial quality?"

It's raining, it's pouring, the weatherman was snoring.

Did you ever notice that on a called third strike, when it's in, you're out?

A good answer to the question, "You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?" would be "Sort of."
 
I hate this: Whenever I press return, my cursor just shouts a four letter word at me.  I guess that's why it's called a cursor.

...First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes divorce, then comes marriage, then comes divorce, then comes marriage, then comes divorce...

Shouldn't "wake up and smell the coffee" go "smell the coffee and wake up?"
 
Some good advice would be "don't drink and drive--especially if you're really uncoordinated."

Some good advice would be "don't drink and drive--especially with a manual transmission."

Did you ever notice that Todd Christiansen and Todd Christiansen share the same last name?

I think that they should make disposable punishment.

I think that James Bond should start a hot dog stand without a license so that when some policeman asks if he has a license to sell hotdogs, he can say, "No, but I have a license to kill."

I think that I'm going to get a license to sell hot dogs and make copies of it to sew on my underpants so my dad will just shut up!

...so then I said, "I guess that the fruit of my loins would have to be a banana and a couple of kiwi."

I was watching a cartoon the other day with my little stepbrother, Greg.  The show was about a scaly little green man who had one eye in the middle of his chest and he spoke from his left armpit.  Well, he had to fly backwards to the moon to get a healthy drink of -900 degree lunar water in order to have the strength required to survive his declining domestic conditions.  After the man had been cut in half at least twice and kicked in the nose with a spiked boot, a talking newt asked to borrow some of his lunar water.  While the newt was drinking (standing on only two feet), some water spilled and my little step-brother yelled, "Hey, how could that much water drip out of such a small container?  This show is phoney.  How unrealistic."  (Oh really?)

Actually, Rick Rueschel is Nolan Ryan.

The perfect life would have to be a life without all those amino acids.

Next time the phone rings and someone says to answer it, I will.  I'll just go "Riinnnng!!"

Whoever said "happiness is being constipated" was really off his rocker.

What should one do when a close friend dies?  Barium, of course (chemistry humor).

When it's really dark don't you think that the sun looks sort of like the moon?

I think it's neat that whenever you're dying of thirst in the Mexican desert, you know how to say "water" in spanish.

I think that if you have only one leg and you're in a store and some short lady asks if she can help you, then you should say "Why yes" and then grab her and tie her loose limbs to her sides with a rope and then stick her next to the leg that you still have and screw her in really tight and then walk out without your crutches.

Someday, I'll be backstage following my greatest acting performance ever and I'll hear the phone ring.  The producer, Jim, will answer it and say, "It's for you, Jensen.  It's the curtain."

"One lump or two?"  I'll bet that's why camels really have giant sugar cubes under those silly lumps.

Too bad you can't lick `em up after you spill the beans.

I bet even Sinjin Smith and Mike Dodd would hurt their hands if they tried to spike the punch.

My girlfriend, Frieta, and I were arguing over dinner one evening at Mel's.  "That's the last straw!," she insisted.  With that I shook my head in disbelief and took one disgusted sip directly from my glass.

I asked my dad why I couldn't have a phone in my bedroom and this is all he said:  "Jensen, you don't have a jack!!"

I swear that if someone ever hits me in the crotch with a mallet, the first thing I'll do is leave.

I bet that car makers just cover their testing tracks with dimes before they do their breaking tests.  This way, they can always say that their car can stop on one of them.

"The way you swept me off my feet, you know you could have been a roundhouse."

I like mercenaries because they are so dedicated to their effect.

Don't you hate it when you're on page 109 of Saxon Bridge by Calvin Power and suddenly the T.V. starts flashing some weird code or something and you just can't decipher it and you're just stuck?

A good way to answer the question, "Why is the sky blue?," would be with another question:  "Why is the grass brown, because I know that it is."

If we have yard sales in America, what do they have in Europe?  Meter sales?

A man was complaining about his wifes high voice.  He said that she talked like a chipmunk.  Luckily, the man happened to be fluent in chipmunk and could understand her perfectlly.

I think it makes a lot of sense that the diskettes have the big hole in the center.

I think that it's sure rude of that guy named The Gap to just walk around putting his name on all those clothes.  I'm surprised that they've never caught him.

You know, if you're ever really constipated you should just say to your rear end, "You're as stubborn as an ass."

I just thought of something:  In public and private schools, if you just take the "l" out of public, both will turn into schools that teach you about the unmentionable parts of the human body.

It's not the capita's that have all the income in the U.S., it's the American people.  And we don't make gross national products either!  In fact, I think that "Made in the USA" means quality.

I think it's so cheap how in the old movies, they couldn't swear so they thought they could satisfy the public by saying "curses!" all the time.  I could just imagine Sylvester Stallone back then pulling out his hand (with thumb and index finger extended)and going "Pow! Pow!"  How exciting.

Or how about if these guys are sneaking into a house and the owners come home.  Just imagine them going, "Let's stay here," instead of "Let's get out of here."  I mean, no wonder they are sneaking into a house instead of being rocket scientists or something.  What an idea-"Let's get out of here."  Amazing.

"Smile.  You're on Candid Camera."  Oh, sure; I'm going to smile.  Especially since I'm so pleased that you just embarrassed me on national television and destroyed my favorite shirt.  I'm really gonna smile since I have the pleasure of looking at Alan Funt.

I saw a head scratcher the other day.  There was an ad in the paper for Fredddy Furniture's 10th annual going out of business sale.

On my flight from Seattle to Boise, the captain was named Davey Jones.  True story.  I was just thinking what if he were flying trans-atlantic and he decided he had to get something out of his locker.

If you ever want to change your name to Buster, just say something that's a lie.  Then, believe me, people will call you Buster.

I went into a fried chicken place cause I was hungry.  I ordered a fried chicken and all they brought me was some totally stoned guy who was afraid of me.  I couldnt eat that.

In Canada, the C.F.L. should change what they play to Decimeterball.

The persistent boy pushed and pushed the spoon against his closed mouth and eventually the spoon just went in his mouth with his teeth tightly fused.

Question--Do fish really sleep with their eyes open or is it just that waterproof eye make-up stuff?

Once I said to a girl, "Do you want to buy a nice set of faux gold bracelets?," and she answered calmly, "No!  Do you want to buy a get out of my life forever?"  I said, "Well, okay."

One time I just had to go to the bathroom but I couldn't because it was READ period and a stupid new rule was just posted regarding this, so I just said, "Oh well," then I pooped in my pants.

Sometime, I will be on a cruise and I'll just say "MARCO!!!," then some huge whale will go, "POLO!!!."  I mean, whales are mammals, too, you know.

You'll never believe what I heard some dad saying to his son the other day.  They were standing over this sort of huge mound of dirt in their side yard and the dad said something to the effect of, "Don't cry, boy.  I mean Scrappy isn't really dead.  Well he is, but don't be sad.  Just think--when you wake up tomorrow he'll be right back up on your bed licking your face.  Oh yes.  Get really excited, okay boy?  I can't wait!  Do you believe me, boy?  Good!"  I felt so bad for him as I watched the little kid running inside yelling, "Yippee, Scrappy isn't dead!!  Scrappy isn't dead!!  I just wanted to kill that dad.  Well, the next morning, I went over to that house to punish myself by watching the poor kids face.  The funny thing was, as I was walking along the side yard, I noticed that silly mound starting to move.  Then, all of the sudden, out sprouts this dogwood tree.  I don't know about this place.

It was funny because the ball was lined into right field and then for some reason, outfielder Pat Sheridan played it off his face.  Duh.

Don't you just want to say to a newborn kitten, "OPEN YOUR EYES!!!"

What are pants?  I say pants are a symbol of manhoood.  A dog pants and that's why he's mans best friend.

"Flintstones, Meet the Flintstones, They're the modern stone age-"  Wait a second.  How the hell can you meet a cartoon?  "Oh, hi.  Can I shake your bunch of drawings of a hand shuffled quickly to appear as a moving object?"

I had a friend who would always say "Eat Me."  At least until that flight I took him on in my B-2 bomber in which he was sitting in the bomb bay while we flew over a few cannibalist islands in Papua New Guinea.

So, you say you want to grow an inch, huh?  How about planting an inch orchard.

So, you say you really want grow an inch, do you?  Why not try looking at one of those girlie magazines.

My dyslexic friend told me that I had a compact disc.  Thinking he was trying to insult my intelligence, I said, "I know, I have a lot of them."  He just laughed, pointing at my crotch.
I hate it when I hold my thumb and index finger sort of far apart to show how long my last bowel movement was and then some nit-wit puts their thumb and index finger between mine to show some other nit-wit, who, in turn, puts his thumb and index finger between the initial nit-wits thumb and index finger to show some other nit-wit and pretty soon my "big turd" is looking pretty small.  I hate that!

Did you hear that announcer compliment Steve Young on his ability to execute the football?   That sounds pretty brutal.  I mean, gosh, I'm just wondering what the football ever did to him.

You know, now I see why they call it CBS.  I mean, don't you CBS whenever it's on that channel?

Man, those people on the Discovery Channel are silly.  They said that a 32 pound large-mouth bass will feed a family of six.  It's only common knowledge that the average bass doesn't even like to cook.

Rear and dead--those are my favorite ends.

I looked down onto the field to see the veteran Dave Winfield taking his practice swings in the on-deck circle as I heard the voice of the announcer:  "Now remember, if Joyner walks here, Winfield is on deck."  Well Wally Joyner popped up to short stop and just then I looked down to look at Dave Winfield.  Suddenly, he disappeared!

Then i said, "I do not waste time at all, dad.  And I'm not just some free spender, either.  In fact, most of my time is in the bank collecting interest this very minute.

So then he looked at my watch and said, "What parsley, sage, and rosemary is it?"  I tried to act cool and I said "Well, what about the thyme?"  Being the smart arse that he was, he contended, "You're the one with the watch."

It's sad how many people at banks are loaners.

Somebody tell me what the hell "by and large" is and who's the nut who came up with it?   "Er-uh durr-`by an' large' duh gulp!"

I've even tried heart to heart talks with my computer, but believe me-it's not very personal.

I going to name my kid 5 so teachers can't put him in alphabetical order.

I know why.  A size 13 foot like his just won't fit in his mouth.  That's got to be why.

According to my nephew, Bixby, most birds of prey (or as he says, "boads of pway") are pretty good cooks.  He once told told me, "You know, uncle, most boads of pway wuv to poach their eggs in their nest and keep them warm."
 
In math class, there's this one girl who just sits there staring at the ceiling.  She smells like rotten meat.  I think she might be deaf.  Once I shoved her onto the floor and she still hasn't moved.

So that's when I was totally amazed.  "Wow," I thought, "I am actually holding the unavailable B sides.  Hey, look, there's the invisible man."

So then I said, "Doctor Cribmeat, don't say dog feces, say dog CRAP!!!!"

I love nordic trac.  It's sooooooo cool.  Yah man.

This guy I know is part African American, part Cambodian, part Irish and part the Red Sea.

The other day, I read that my Pedigree crayons are non-toxic.  Oh good, I sure hate those toxic crayons.  I swear, whenever I use Crayola crayons, I just mutate.

Hey you!  If you believe in re-incarnation, just imagine:  In the next life, you just might be an aborted fetus!

Just the other day, I cleaned out the upstairs bathroom for my step-mom.  Well, she took one look and said, "You did not clean the bathroom at all.  Just look at the floor!"  Well, knowing I couldn't argue with that logic, I made myself realize, "Oh yeah, she's right.  I didn't clean the bathroom.  What was I thinking?"  Then, I went and cleaned it again.

If you cant kill the one you love, honey, kill the one you're with.

I tried to tell my dad why there was a 6,000 cubic foot aquarium full of barricudas on our front lawn but he just got real testy.  "And I suppose you expect me to swallow all that?," he asked.  I said, "Of course not, dad.  That's a 6,000 cubic foot aquarium full of barricudas.  I just want you to believe me."

The other day I was at an auction and I saw this one fellow who saw a painting he wanted and so he just threw up his hand.  It made the most horrible mess.  What I really want to know is why that fellow ate his hand in the first place.

I sure like watching my one-armed infant little brother feel for his hand.

I overheard a Lexus and an Infiniti fighting the other day.  The Infinity jeered, "I know you are but what am I.  I know you are but what am I.  I know you are but what am I."  "Infiniti!," quickly responded the Lexus.

I think that when moms turn 40, these little tiny barbers just be on their shoulders so when their hair gets that long they just go "SNIP!"

"Hey look, it's the new cantidate for president representing the democrats...Oh, never mind, it's just the invisible man."

This guy I knew--Ted--he used to love to play paintball.  Well he got drafted last year to go fight in Operation Desert Storm.  His last words were "point blank."

Some weirdo asked me what race I was and I told the guy that I was the Indy 500.

I was down at the beach the other day with a seashell to my ear and I could hear the ocean.  When I put it down I could still hear the ocean.

What if people clapped after the songs were over on their walkman.

Wouldn't it be embarrassing if you were having intercouse with a girl and suddenly you got an erection?

My teacher told the class, "The bell does not excuse you, I do!"  Well, I farted and said, "Excuse me."  The teacher just said, "You're excused," and I left.

Whoever said "It's the thought that counts" probably never received a cream-puff maker for his birthday.

Me and my friend, Rober, went to go shoot some hoops.  The thing we sort of neglected to ponder was that if we missed, it could pierce the poor girl's ears even more and possibly even kill her.

I like to pop pictures once they are blown up.

I once met a slut and she said her name was Anita Nerection.

Have you ever noticed the fallic symbols some guys have between their legs?

Whoever thought of the big bang theory needs to explode.

I think that Bufferin should really be the brand name for some anibolic steroids.

Our drummer has a lisp and he uses Zildian thimbles.

Apple corps:  The grossest thing you'll ever eat.

The cannibalist chief said this about the tribe's new china; "Feast on your eyes on this."

The other day I was feeling suicidal so I just screamed out, "Dan Quayle is cool!!," in a crowd of people.

"We have good noose and bad noose," smiled Justice Hymanhopper as the infamous bandit, Darrin' Darrin Darling stood awaiting the virdict.

The older I get, the more I wish that I had an erector set.

Q. What's another way to say "A famous basketball player is going to get old someday?"
A. Wilt wilt wilt.

Isn't cheese grate?

So, anyway, at the weinie cook-off, I just couldn't wait any longer so I just cried, "Feed me!"  I guess that makes me an Oscar Mayer whiner.

A lot of people say that gays are just born that way but I think that really it's people like Susan Sorandon that make guys become gay.

I think that someone like Jane Fonda should exorcise ghosts.

Just imagine a suicidal cannibal.

The guy who invented Spoon-Size Shredded Wheat must not have realized how large spoons are these days.

Once I tried to read between the lines but it was blank because it was double-spaced.

Once I saw this one poor fellow set the shutter of his camera to go off in 5 seconds and then he threw it in the air, posed to smile, and then caught it.

It would be cool if everone could just have stilleto shoulder blades.

You know what I just realized?  Columbus was born right on Columbus Day.  I guess that's where his parents got the idea for his name.

I think that French fries should have hairy armpits too.

Isn't saying "Geraldo is a jerk" sort of like saying "Michael Jackson is a transvestite?"

I think that dinosaurs got extinct after some big Tyrannasaurus lady got PMS.

Pork and beans is dumb.  I guess it's like a meal for schitzophrenics or something.  I mean, "What's for dinner, honey?"  "Oh, not much, dear.  Just lard and tofu.

Once I invited someone to a party - but not cordially - and I just burst into flames.

For speech therapy, I like to swallow jaccuzi water.

"Oh human," said the deer.

I bet that Punjab went around hitting all the maids right in the crotch (hence the name).

I wonder if Grape-Nuts have little Grape-Sperms swimming around in them.

So then I just pooped in my hands and held the stuff up in the air.  The guy just clocked me.  In the emergency room, I just thought to myself, "but he said `put up your dooks'."

I wrote a novel on my primary upper orafice so read my lips.

I asked some sort of illiterate guy where all his friends were and he said "There over there."  I just laughed, "Nice grammar dude, but it's their over there."

I am the proud inventor of invisible holes.

I wonder why muderers don't just use a pad of paper to do all their killing.  I mean, have you seen what just one little sheet of paper can do?

Do you ever notice that when a car crashes, it just stops?

* That there means that it weren't derived from mine own mind.  (Just might be an unsolicited submission.  Possibly was altered.)