Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have enough time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop for directions.

Why did god put men on earth
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them in.

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children but men usually end up playing with them.

Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Why do men masturbate?
It's sex with someone they love.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why did god make men before women?
You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

Why is an man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he's coming or going.

How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
Nobody knows, since it has never happened.

Why does a woman have the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... men will screw anything.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows... It's never been done.

How are men and parking spaces alike? 
The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped.

What is a man's idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What is the difference between men and E.T.?
E.T. called home.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

How is a man like linoleum?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years. 

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same time, who would reach the ground first?
The woman, the man would get lost.

How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 60 seconds.

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

If men got pregnant ....
Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

What does a man consider to be quality time with his wife?
Pulling the sheets over her head and saying, "Great chili, Babe!"

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the
circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Nick Boice
Some sent in by Kendall, the others from some place else.