By Miles Lauridsen
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is, buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say, "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? I'll kick they're fucking ass!
When people say while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No, dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober, either, Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!
People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya, there, buddy?
When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks, "Do you know how fast you were
going?" You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.